DF Hoarding

[Herecomesthesun70]

My DF is a hoarder. He had a huge family so had nothing when he was a child but it's so bad now it's affecting everyone
Every room in the house is full of absolute crap.

He can't stop himself buying stuff. Stuff no one else wants or needs. He gets offended if I don't want any of the shit to take home.

My DM is at the end of her tether because he can't understand or see the problem. She's lost the will to do anything ensembles because you can't move for his stuff so it's filthy too. They also smoke there so they stink and the house is so bad I can't bear to the there longer than 5 minutes. It makes me anxious and stressed because my DM is so unhappy. DF doesn't lift a finger there not even to boil the kettle
My DM now has one arm in plaster so I thought it would be a good opportunity to go there but she bugged me not to because DF is fuming I've suggested doing anything. He says Im interfering and expects DM to clean cook and wait in him with with arm. I'm don't know what to do. She'll either kill him herself soon I'm
Sure if it. She mentioned leaving him earlier. Both in 70's and DF in very I'll health

Have you read up about hoarding. It is a serious psychological disorder related to attachment/ loss/ anxiety.
The long term solution is to persuade DF to seek help. In the short term your DM needs practical and emotional support.
If you can understand why DF hoards, talk it through with him and talk about ways he could be helped, that will be the first step to resolving it. You can't just go in and marie Kondo the place.

@JamesWilbysAbs

Have you read up about hoarding. It is a serious psychological disorder related to attachment/ loss/ anxiety. The long term solution is to persuade DF to seek help. In the short term your DM needs practical and emotional support. If you can understand why DF hoards, talk it through with him and talk about ways he could be helped, that will be the first step to resolving it. You can't just go in and marie Kondo the place.

You can't talk to him. He's impossible and gets defensive and sulky I wouldn't be able to go overboard with them there just basic cleaning

Is it possible to make one room presentable and safe (kitchen or lounge?) so that she has one room which feels ok to her? It must be awful for her

I was told no today to any offer of help. Nothing will change until he dies it's as simple as that.

To be honest I'd focus on trying to provide small relief for her now and making sure the house is safe. Your DF isn't going to change.

There are professional decluttering services but I don't know how you do it without consent. I don't know what I would do. Maybe present him with all the reasons why this is making everyones life a misery and an easy route out of it (enlisting external help) and gradually break it down into the step e.g. meeting with them to see how they could help. I feel like it has to seem like it with their idea and their choice, but its tricky and tedious, and there is the argument for not getting involved too.