What is the point?

[YodaiamsaidI]

I've suffered with depression since first dd born nearly 16 years ago,ups and downs,much worse after dd2 who's 9,the last 4 years significantly bad,unable to work ,barely functioning most weeks.
Things are supposed to get easier as kids older,I don't sleep,none of the meds work for any length of time,too fatigued,tired to do anything,can barely leave house because of social anxiety.
I just don't see an end in sight,been suicidal before and thoughts of taking kids with me previously,but this is different,just so apathetic,want to close my eyes and not wake up as theres absolutely no point in me being here,except for my kids,I wish they never existed so that I could cease to exist.

Don't know why I've posted as not looking for advice,I know who to contact,what to try because I've tried it all,seen them all and it never improves.

Sending you a hug. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I am in a similar place myself. I keep going for my daughter but apart from that life feels pointless and it's certainly not enjoyable.

Are you taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist?

Sorry to hear how much your struggling op. Have you been referred to a psychiatrist to try other medications the GP cannot prescribe?

@Notgettingbetter sorry to her you're In a bad way too.Each day is a rollercoaster. Tried 7 different SSRI the medic from primary mental health team did mention trying mood stabilizers but then I was discharged with no warning or notification,only found out when I phoned when really struggling.Have to be referred back again.
@insatiableme thank you for caring,was under psychiatrist,was supposed to be having some more cbt after waiting 4 years for a 6 week course.

That's awful. I'm not sure what part of the country you are from. But do you have a local mind charity to support you and offer advice. I have recently signed up and they phone for 6 weeks, once a week, free of charge.

I think we are living through particularly difficult times so try to cut yourself a break. I’m also feeling super depressed at the moment, like you I feel I’ve tried everything but nothing works. And the current COVID situation isn’t helping. However you haven’t tried mood stabilisers yet, so get yourself referred back to the mental health team, and remember that your kids need you around and it really won’t always be this hard. 9 is still quite young! And hopefully we won’t always be in an active pandemic situation either. Lots of things can change but you need to be around to allow that to happen. I’ve struggled since having my now teenage child too, had a psychotic episode when he was born and was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and have been to some extent depressed ever since. It’s very hard. I recommend getting your thyroid function checked too. And there is a point to you being here for yourself as well as being around for your kids. I believe we were all put here for a purpose. Do reach out and try and get yourself some help with all of this, it’s not fair on your kids but more importantly it’s not fair on you to be feeling like this if there is anything that can be done to help. xx

I'm embarrassed to say I felt so low earlier I was planning on ringing the surgery and asking to go back on my meds turn myself back into a mombie im just cross at everything right now I can't be good to live with