fed up with my life - I know its Christmas but its hard to get excited

[mistletoemiggins]

when Im about to remortage myself by 50% to buy my exH out of my life
when my friends seem surprised that Ive only bought my DC 1 present each
that my DC are going to spend the weekend with exH partner's family that they've met once
when my DC are 3 & 5 and really want to be with mummy

it may not sound so bad but it feels overwhelming especially as DD (3) ALWAYS plays up & is clingy when comes home from daddy's & so this next week where going to stay at people she doesnt know is bound to affect her & I pick up the pieces.....its that thing that children play up when they feel secure which is with me at home

Aww xxx

Are you staying with your own family at Christmas?

Must be hard without the dcs.

FWIW my dcs have got 1 pressie each from me(others from surrounding family)as we are a bit brassic.It doesn't mean you love them any less.

Sending you a big hug xxxx

Sorry to hear this.

Is your exH insisting that the DCs spend Christmas with him and his partner's family?

yes my parents & brother live locally so we are spending Xmas day with them
Im then going to work cos no point staying at home without kids as can save my holiday - ex lives 3 hrs away so never helps with sickness & rarely has them during schoool holidays

people make me feel mean for buying 1 present vbut I have others to buy for & they will get loads of presents anyway so dont need lots from me

still makes u feel mean - especially when ex has told me hes spent loads on them

ex is having them from Fri to Sun then Boxing day til the follwing sat
I get Xmas Eve/day - which is good...but still worried how DD will be this weekend

Oh Miggins,it's not about money,you know that.
Your ex is only doing it out of guilt (and from all you told us he sounds abominable)

Listen,how is your lovely new boyfriend? Will he be around?

yes DP will be with me all weekend while kids away and then he & his DD (10) are spending Xmas day with my family
he has his DD from Xmas day onwards

he is lovely and so good with the children - we are a happy little family of 5

his DD has even stuck her name on the spare room in my house so its her room - she doesnt even have a room at her mums (dad has custody) so we are doing well

just hate it when my kids go away & feel this weekend where going to HER parents will be hard for them....ex hasnt even told them - I have so they are prepared.

Bite your tongue and don't say anything Miggins.I bet if you kick off, he gets defensive and self righteous which in his mad way probably justifies his abominABLE ABANDONMENT OF HIS small children and wife.

He's a wanker. Also what happens on what day is irrelevant to kids.My dh is away aborad and misses loads of important dates (inc. ds's birth!) but we never get worked up about it.We just celebrate when the time is right.

You aren't being mean xx

My dp has been sick for last 4 months and we are being careful,as it sounds you are tooxxx

It would be much worse if I spent lavishly and got us in to debt so we couldn't afford essentials like food and heat and clothes.They have a few stocking fillers-chocs/drawing stuff/bubbles and a main pressie each.

My dcs are only littlies and already have loads of toys.It is much more important that they are loved and cuddled than have loads of plastic tat thrown at them,and you sound like a loving mumXX Your ex sounds as if he is overcompensating.

thanks Moondog

always feel better when I hear ur advice

I am going to just try to enjoy the time alone this weekend with DP

its hard to start / continue a relationship when u both have custody of children - we r lucky that we have 1 weekend off a month with no children so ahve time for us - the rest of the time we have 2 or 3 kids!

its just hard when ur DD is 3 and very sensitive & I worry about her when shes away

from what DD (5) says, they dont get many cuddles when at daddys - hes not that tactile & his partner has no children & sounds a bit spoilt

Miggins. Do you have formalised visiting arrangements? Sorry if I'm asking stupid Qs but I don't know how it works.

I agree with MD though that you should just ignore his (obvious) attempts to wind you up. And I also think that you're right to tell the DCs where they're going to be staying.

wrinklytum - I think ur right with ex - he does think that money/toys equates to love

he knows I dont feel like this - never did when we were married

money is not the most important thing - yes it helps but not as important as love & time

Miggins,they are awful weasal like folk whose relationship is based on deceit and betrayal. What a huge moral weight to bear.

No crack open a Snowball and paln a lovelyy romantic weekend with your chap. I am exceedingly jealous.

we dont have formalised arrangements

he has them to stay once a month & the other fortngith he comes up for the day

to be honest, my DCs prefer the day visit as he comes alone (his partner cant be bothered to come up) and they like it being just the 3 of them

I cant tell him he cant go & stay at his parnters parents home - I suspect they are going b4 christmas & going out on the town leaving the parents babysitting

no point telling /asking my ex anything as he does exactly what he thinks is right & no-one else gets a look in

Exactly. Have a lovely time with your DP,and enjoy Christmas with your children (sorry from op I thought they were away for Christmas,too) xx

Ooops,thread moved on! Was alluding to 21.42 post

I take it you haven't met his partner's family?

If you said that you weren't happy with his partner's parents babysitting as you didn't know them, how would he react? Would he say that he wasn't going to go out? Even though you suspect he probably will?

Sorry. I don't want to make you feel any worse than you are already but I'm just wondering if you could at least avoid the pre-Christmas visit.

Because if you can avoid that one at least, your DCs will be settled and happy over Christmas.

havent even met his partner as she is OW in the affair which ended out marriage - I may meet her next Friday when he picks them up which I am not looking forward to....

he is very forceful shall we say

if I suggested I wasnt happy with him taking them to her parents & going out, he would lie anyway
if they go out after DC settled, I guess I have nothing to worry about - if tired, my children never wake up so unlikely I would hear from DC

if they go & DC have issues after the event, I will kick up a fuss next time but with ex, its quite pointless arguing with him

I offered a swap so he didnt have them this weekend but he refused....have now learnt not to swap weekends as he just gets nasty

consequently my DC are missing their cousin's bday party in Jan cos of the agro it was causing - we see my parents 5 days a week & my brother's family every weekend so we are very close - this seems to have no baring on my ex......

If the visits are adversely affecting your DCs, do you (via the courts) have any power to stop them happening?

Again, I'm sorry if I'm being dim but I'm not sure how it works.

yes I could take him to court & stop but not worth the agro at the moment

whatever Dads4Us (or whatever they are called) say, it sjust as hard for the mothers - I dont want to prevent access but similarly easier to give in than have the abuse I sometimes get down the phone

Do you think if he has DCs with the new partner it will take the pressure off?

I know this was the case for an ex neighbour (and still friend) of mine.

Her exP was very erratic, unreasonable and agressive over arrangements to see their DD. He then married a new P and had a son and subsequently became a lot more reasonable (in fact virtually dropped out of his DD's life completely, which suited everyone.)

I don't know your story, Miggins, but I can imagine it must be very difficult as your ex's partner is the one who contributed towards the break-up of your marriage.

Sorry.

Just re read that last post and realised I've probably made you feel worse.

Sorry. Not much help, I'm afraid.

I must say that Im surprised another child hasnt appeared - knowing ex, he wont want another (and shouldnt have as he likes to be top dog)

I suspect if they do have a child together, he would drop out of my DCs lives which is not what I want although obviosuly would make my life easier.....

he wont accept DD is traumatised by visits - "we never have any trouble"
yes thats how kids work - they play up where they feel secure

am sure it will be ok & thanks for ur comments - I love MN for its honesty & other POV

bauble99 - ur comments were fine & helpful - dont worry

its exactly why Ive been on MN for last 2.5 yrs