So. I guess I may have a problem.

[crimbofairy]

For a long time now I have been feeling very up and down. In fact I have a lot of down times.

I can pin point the exact time it started it was oct 2001 and my mum was ill and we knew she was dying even though no one said as much. She died in Jan 2002 and everyone thought I wouldn't cope (I was 21) I kinda had that right i'll show you face and went ahead and coped ok. I didn't inside though.

My mum was my only true friend, the person I could open up to and talk to her about anything and now I just feel so alone even though I have a sister and my OH (although we don't really get on and I think he is alot of the problem) I guess I have SO many problems that are hidden from everyone, my dad abused me and my two sisters ( they are half sisters) when we were little (until I was 7 when my mum found out and left him with us girls) and only my mum knew about it and now I have no one to talk to. I just don't know whats wrong with me and why I can't just forget it and get on with living.

So now i'm 27 and still not coping. It used to 'hit' me once or twice every six months, now its at least once'twice a week when I lie there and think about doing something I know in my right mind would be stupid. I often lie in the bath and kinda fantasies about slitting my wrists/taking pills and just stopping feeling so bloody miserable all the time.

Ask anyone I know though and they'd think I was outgoing, happy, sociable and so well rounded.. little do they know that actually i'm a complete mess. I hardly go out any where, I can't be arsed to do anything. I just get through each day and 'cope'. I know its really unfair on my DD3 and DS1 because we do nothing unless its inside. this Sunday just gine was the first time i've been out in two weeks and I couldn't wait to get home, I hated every minute of it.

I feel as if i'm stood at the top of a high cliff and hanging on with just a finger. I don't know how long I can keep 'sane' anymore. I just have no fight left.

I have tried to make changes in my life, knowing that it isn;t helping being with the kids 24/7 and having no me time and started looking for jobs but then my MIL said she wouldn't have the kids for us (although does her other grandkids) and we can't afford childcare and i'm not too keen on leaving them with anyone. I know that my past has really affected how I feel about leaving my kids with anyone and I know that i'm glad DD hasn't got a pre-school place after christmas as I know I didn't want to leave her at all. God knows how i'm going to be when she starts school.

I just don't know what to do. I can't bear of thinking about going to down to my GP (he's an old old man who is quiet strict and only one there) and pouring my heart out to him and then I guess it would be actually admitting i've got a huge problem.

Hello. I'm sorry your thread appears to have slipped the radar of Mumsnet. There are lots of Mumsnetters who are coping with depression, for some it's a daily battle, for others they've beaten the illness (and it is an illness) and others like me, suffer from depression at various times of the year for various reasons.

I did this thread a while ago. Since I did it, I also got very very down and found my grip slipping. I've found life as a mum hard. Even harder when my own mother was no role model and even now will use emotional blackmail to get her own way. I'm distant from most members of my family but they can still cause me a lot of distress and anger. I struggle with my pride a lot too and find it difficult to ask for help.

I seem to be forever looking for something in my life, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect country to live in, yet I get none. I seem to be dissatisified a lot yet there are lots I should be celebrating. That's it with depression though, it clouds your mind so that you can only see the negatives around you and the positives get lost in a haze of gloominess.

I hope you get many more answers because I know that lots of people have been where you are right now.

Stay strong and hang on in there. Life changes, it's the way it is, nothing can ever remain constant.

A big bump for you as I'm sure people would like to help.

Please, please go to your GP - i have suffered from depression in the past and i needed antidepressants which helped me to get my life back. I also had counselling.

Another shameless bump for you.

Hello Crimbofairy - I am sending you a huge hug--- Yes, please see a GP. I know what you mean about your GP being someone you don#t feel you can talk to does anyone else know where Crimbo could go because it's awful if you have some crumbly old bloke as your GP, I remember feeling the same way when I was younger. I am also trying to bump you up, but suggest someone might know whether Crimbo could see a different GP/health professional?

Bump, Crimbo!

P.s. Cliff I just looked on the link to the thread you did earlier and it is v. helpful.

Crimbo - please - you are not alone. And I completely understand where you're coming from when you say other people think you are outgoing and sociable but actually you feel you are a complete mess - also, the going out and hating every minute of it - and so much more of what you have said. So glad you have done this posting, I hope some MNers can help in any small way.

pleases go c your doctor or ask to c someone different in your practicexx big hug

I too have suffered with depression and if left can just spiral completely out of control. You really need to get help.Please go to your gp, maybe you dont have to go into details but could just ask to be referred to a counsellor. Dont leave it too long, once you get those feelings of wanting to hurt yourself they can just get stronger sometimes, I know I have been there and done it. Maybe you dont feel worthy of getting help, which you are everyone deserves help, if that is the case try and think that you are doing it for the kids, they need they mum. Hope you ok