I've had anxiety for years, all my life I think. I have no friends I prefer my own company. I find being around people very stressful. I've started a new job and before I go to work I'm full of panic and I dread going in, it's like the worst feeling ever like I will make a mistake and look like an idiot. My brain tells me that I'm not good enough, that people don't like me, or that what I say is stupid. I come home and worry constantly.
My little one has been referred for an autism assessment. Talking to the teacher about his concerns, I see myself doing the same things. I prefer to be on my own, I like repetitive tasks, I get stressed over changes. I find eye contact hard. I think I might be autistic. I have such a horrible time trying to fit in. I go through job after job I either do a few days and get so upset about being so uncomfortable I can't face going back, or I drag myself there each day telling myself how I don't know how I'm going to get through it then I leave after a few months. I count down the time until I can leave. Sometimes I have just left a job. I've just had to get out of there.
I've had a few 'quirks' that I thought where just how I was personality wise, but reading up I think I now see it for what it is. I don't like this 'personality'.
I hate people touching me
I find it impossible to go to social events, even if I want to go I can't bring myself to be there.
I find busy situations overwhelming
Certain clothes, labels etc annoy me to the fact I only have ,3 outfits I can wear.
I notice every sound, especially at night it stresses me out
I find eye contact and conversation difficult.
I find it so hard to hold down a job, it's like panic and fear of doing it wrong, not fitting in, not knowing what to say. I go home and spend hours thinking over the whole day in such detail.
I've always put it down to anxiety but it's controlling my life. How do I get help with coping with this so I can just make it through each day without wanting to come home, hide and have a cry.