Having a mini breakdown

[MistySkiesAfterRain]

Would anyone like to join me and break down together / come out the other side?

I don't mean to use the words lightly. I was doing really well, and now all of my demons have raised their heads. It's so painful and I feel so alone. I didn't mean to do anything to hurt anyone but I did today as I didn't have my camera on for Zoom and disrespected my colleagues. Oh my god it hurts so much that I made other people feel disrespected. I'm usually really conscious of this and I don't know why I did it. I just had a shit night sleep and thought I looked awful. On top of all of this I feel so so so terribly lonely. I just want to give myself a big hug as well I am the only person to do it. Right really need to pull myself together and get big girl pants on.

7.54pm.. have eaten and at 8pm I am going to move to another space to deal with some of my problems. Big breath. I can do this.

Big hugs to you, I know the feeling

I'll join you!
I've just eaten too. I am meant to tidy up now because social worker visit tomorrow. But zero motivation. Also DS wants me to play with him because none of his friends are online.

Did anyone tell you they felt disrespected or is this just your anxiety? Or did someone say something that wasn't that, but you're anxiety told you that's what they said?

And TBH, if someone did say it's disrespectful, that is their problem and not yours!

Some of my colleagues never or seldom have camera on, I've never known anyone to see this as a problem.

One way or another, you need to let go of that thought. Realistically, do you think a single person at that meeting is thinking right now of the fact you didn't have your camera on? Try and to remind yourself of what is likely, not the worst case scenario. Can be tricky I know, when anxiety wants the latter to win over, but I hope you can step back and feel better.

Big hugs. I’ve been cuddling ds’s teddy bear this evening because sometimes you just gotta have something to hug. I burst into tears at work today over something minor and this seems to be happening more and more lately. I finally plucked up the courage to phone the GP for some help which is something I’ve been avoiding for years really. But it all just got too much. I just feel so drained with everything going on and I don’t like myself like this.
I don’t understand why not having your camera on is seen as disrespectful? Did they say that or are you thinking that they think that?
You are not alone

I'm with you. I want to apply for an internal promotion that I know I am fully capable of, but my CEO made me feel like I would be wasting my time. I know I can do this and to be quite honest, am the only one with the skills and experience in the team.
I had a major mental health episode earlier this year due to work issues but am fully over that (I thought) and love my job. All the insecurities and 'I'm not enough' thoughts are coming back and it's just not fair! I fucking hate my head!

((((HUG))))))

Who whinged at you about 'disrespecting' your colleagues?

Obviously your MH isn't in a good place because you've taken this very badly, I'd have laughed & said it was more respectful than inflicting my sleep deprived eye bags on them! Or quite a plain 'oh do fuck off is it disrespectful' 🙄🙄

You didn't do anything wrong, don't let them drag you down.

Do you live alone? I do & I'm a (much dreaded on MN) HUGGER.

I've approximately 42,000,986 hugs to catch up on! I'm warm & squishy (apparently) so very good to hug, but incredibly Covid adverse (in my 50's with underlying health issues) so missed out on loads!

I'm sending some of mine over to you!!!

How about a nice warm bath and curling up in bed with a film?

@ninnynonny. Apply for it!! In all likelihood your CEO's comments were thoughtless rather than aimed to make you feel like they thought you couldn't do it. You know you have the skills, I expect the people doing the interviews know you have the skills.

Be strong, go on, you've got this!!

Thank you! I stared doing the application and wasn't sure, but sod it! If i don't get it they wont have anyone internally who knows the sector inside out and will have to train someone. Their loss!!
It's just hard after such a massive few months in the summer when all I wanted to do was to walk into the sea and not stop; coming out of that feeling much stronger - and then feeling shit.

I wouldn't notice if someone's camera was not on. Or would just assume tech shit.

Let that thought go OP

@ninnynonny. Well it's win/win for you then. You'll either get the job (if they've any sense) or you'll get to watch them realise they should have given you the Job!! (& laugh when they ask you to bail them
Out!!!)

What you mustn't do is see it as any reflection on you if they don't give you the job, because they're too thick to see what your skills are/knowledge you have!!

Thanks you are all so lovely. A good cry is good isn't it. Snuggled in a dressing gown. Early start tomorrow and will straighten hair to face the day.

Two people said I was disrespectful and looked disengaged. I think there is something up and my manager isn't pleased as I have dropped some balls lately. It's bloody hard constantly picking myself up, especially when it feels joyless. I just have to try not to think bad things about myself or other people and improve where I can. It definitely triggered rejection anxiety. Silly but I hate how negative things at work can now invade my home space.

@Olimar Defo do play a bit, life is short.

@CafeCremeMerci That made me laugh thanks. I thought I'd make an effort and put on a lipstick. It was far too bright and I looked like I'd just got back in from a night at a festival (which would be good except the last one was about 8 years ago). Thank you for the hugs!

@ninnynonny Be kind to yourself , the impact of the lockdown on mental health is a process of unpeeling layers. Whatever you do, do it with love. I know that sounds corny but right intention = good outcome.

I'm lying here imagining what my future 10 year older self would come and say to me now, what advice would she give. I have zero imagination so I'll probably fall asleep soon!

Hugs all and good luck tomorrow. I'll try and have a successful day.

Half of us don’t put our cameras on at meetings. I wouldn’t worry about it at all. You aren’t the first. You won’t be the last. It’s not a big deal.

Turn the tables and if anyone says anything explain that you had been crying as you were upset at something earlier and didn’t want everyone to see your puffy face.

That’ll shut them up and you’ll find they’re probably more sympathetic in future.

If that’s all the others have got to worry about it must be nice lol!!

Morning (still, just)

How's your morning been?

((((HUG))))

Just a few more if you'd like them!

Lipstick - my lips would probably fall off with the fright 🤪

Festivals - my feet ache at the thought!

Your 10 year future self would probably tell you that you wasted good years feeling crap, over things that really didn't matter!!

I'm in my 50's with underlying health conditions, so my 20 year future self is just amazed to be asked anything!! However, I think if I gave her the opportunity to catch her breath, she'd say the same to me as I would to my younger self 🤪. Make the most of everyday, enjoy whatever activities you can do because there no guarantee how long you'll be able to do them for, live to have as few regrets as possible & you really only regret the things you DIDN'T do!!

So on that note, I don't want to regret not having another cup of coffee 😜

Thanks @Elieza I would love to say that.

@CafeCremeMerci Tomorrow was a slightly better day.

You are so right. I am wasting time worrying - it won't matter! To myself 20 years ago I would say ... reach high, take your time, have fun.

I got a referral through for counselling and have got my first appointment next week- a positive!

A positive work thing happened yesterday too. I have to focus now. Feeling hugely nervous about a meeting tomorrow.

I feel a bit crumbly but mantra is try and hope for the best and not to worry about the future. Control what I can today.

Afternoon

Glad to hear yesterday went a bit better! Do you want to tell us about the 'good' wirk thing? (Obviously don't if you don't want to!).

Has you 10/20 year younger self reminded you what she said again today! She's right!!

Great you got an appointment for next week!!

(Just between us!!) I went to hydrotherapy this morning for my injury, put on my swim suit & an old t shirt & off I went... when I got there (30 mins away) I realised I'd left my swim bag at home 🤦🏻‍♀️ So I've had to come home half naked under my coat. I had my leggings (thankfully)but absolute no top and thank godI went by car, not bus, today!!

So you might need to put your big girl pants on, I need to go & put ANY pants on (after a shower to de-chlorinate) 😃😂

@CafeCremeMerci thats so funny, Ive done that before and had to dry with a tshirt!

Last week is the first week in ages where I pushed myself. I set goals and did them, but I had some really shit feedback on some of what I did and was heavily criticised. On top of that we are now all working from home- the office is closed.

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I've got so so much to do next week. I'm anxious as I have severe brain fog. I don't think its covid, I ordered more tests which should come tomorrow.

The counsellor wont see me as our appointment was on the day we go into the office which isnt a good location so instead asked me loads of questions and decided online counselling would be good as I am doing better. Apparently my scores had improved. I have to fit that in.

Urgh. I just have to put last week behind and deal with this week, one day at a time.

@MistySkiesAfterRain.

(((HUG)))

I was thinking of you last night... my best friend lives overseas 🥲 and she FaceTimed me last night. I had to make myself answer as I hate talking on FaceTime & I just don't feel like talking to anyone, but she needs me too & I usually feel better afterwards. Last night she says 'which hedge was it' I was like 'eh?' 'Who dragged you through, which hedge??' She said 'what have you been doing' and she is the least put together or caring about how people look person I know 😂🤣

My house is a tip as I have all the Christmas stuff out of the loft and am really struggling to put anything up after my accident, plus I really really am out of shape. I hurt from getting stuff out of the loft!

Brain fog is awful, I've had it for some time now, I keep hoping that it'll eventually clear, but 💁🏻‍♀️

It's such a shame you have to do the counselling on line, but just make the most of it! I hope she's good!

Yep - one day at a time! One hour at a time, one minute at a time.... it's all we have, here & now!!

Hope you have a good day!!

@ninnynonny

How are you doing?

Any news on the job??