just screajmed at the kids. i am without doubt, NOT cut out for this shit

[NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis]

i am such a totsal shit.
what kind of a total shit screams at kids so young? i told them that having kids was a big mistake and i hate being a mum. or words to that effect.

what a cuntish thing to do.

i cant fucking deal with this at all.

oh, minor point im sure, but she did reflect. all the time. she was in torment over it all too, but she still did it. shes a good person, she cares. but regardless of how bad she felt about it, she sill couldnt cope and we still copped all the shit coz of it.

knowing it hyrt her to do it, doesnt ake recieving it any easier. which is why i hate saying i love you when ive been a shit to the kids. dont want them to equate love with shit.

but anyhoo, im caling down. hoest guv. - proper one too)

"my life is about as perfect as it gets. and i know this coz ive had a fucked up time too. so i know the difference. and if i still cant see any point to being alive now, where do i go from here?" The first place you go is the doctors, and you tell him/her this.

im totally with lizzie re the admiration of people with more than one child too. Im not sure i could cope.

You will NOT fuck your kids up by shouting at them. You are their mother and they love you, just the same as you love them despite them driving you up the wall.

Do have that talk with DP, it will help that he knows where things are at, even if he doesnt appear to understand. Maybe ask him to come to the docs with you, for some moral support. I made DP come with me so he has more of an understanding of what goes on in my head.

Well maybe you cant throw yourself into a bar job, unless of course you thrive in that environment and you end up with your own bar! But you could throw yourself into college courses. Leaving school with no qualifications means nothing, i did this, not a gcse to my name, i went back to college when i was 24 and left, well, two years ago - im 37!!! with a PhD, after being written off as basically a good for nothing by my school. Im not suggesting you do this, but it is just a case of thinking about things you might like to try and getting out there and trying it. Actually, bar work is really good for communication skills, you clearly have organisational skills and can multi task, you have three children! You have more skills than you think you know. Even if you do a flower arranging course or maybe take your computor skills and do something with that, it will give you something for you, in the future. I have done nothing with my qualifications to date, but i have them banked, for me, later on

I strongly believe that no one on mumsnet is a bad mother, because we care enough to be here posting about our lives and our children, in fact, we are addicted (come on, admit it!) and the reason for this is, that our families are the most important things in our life!!

Forget about shouting at your children today, its done, its gone, it cant be undone, and your kids will forget it before you do! Try and find ways for you to vent your spleen in ways that you dont shout at them, if that is to walk out and leave them, do it, do whatever it takes to calm yourself to a state where you can think objectively about how to cope with the situation and try again.

There is no shame in asking for help, i did, im on ADs and they have transformed me. I dont believe i was a manic depressive or anything near it, but i clearly need a boost, it could be that is all you need to get through what is a tough time for anyone.

The best gift you can give kids is to know that no-one is perfect. Talk to them about how you feel, tell them ppl get angry and say mean things if you keep talking to them they won't be harmed, they will just be more understanding of ppl's feelings, just don't forget to say sorry!!

And its true what scanner said, bad mums don't care about shouting at their kids, they just think they deserve it.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

im glad to see your last posts more positive it is also good to read that you can see where your mum was coming from. You know how this impacts on your children and you are facing it head on. Dont let it become a cycle, do something about it, get help, i do agree with you, its no good doing something, apologising and then doing it again (i can relate too as my mother was like this, although she NEVER said sorry, i was like it with DD1). You are in a good position as you are recognising the pattern, you now just need some help to break the cycle, which you CAN do, because you WANT to. You are a fantastic mum, that much is screamingly obvious.

Nappies. I've been there and done that. I've screamed at the kids so loudly I've made myself hoarse. I've called dd a stupid little girl. I've let rip a furious scream that has frightened the living daylights out of them.

This is part of my mother's legacy who had a vile temper. She used to scream and shout at us for the slightest thing, she'd fling us from wall to wall, slap me across the face, scream in my face etc etc. I am trying desperately to break that cycle and I am improving. I'm working as a LSA and part of my job is to deal with discipline, which means not losing my cool, learning other methods to deal with very difficult situations. This helps in my home life.

One difference between my mother and me too, is that my mother never, ever said sorry or showed any remorse for anyone other than herself. I always say sorry. I take them to one side and I hug them and apologise and tell them that although I may be a grown-up, I can still get it wrong, and I can still make mistakes. I make sure they both know that this is not the right thing to do.

I still look back on past incidences with huge regret and I can even make myself cry thinking about some of the things I've said and done. I can't claw those moments back, but I can change. So can you.

Take your children to one side. Explain to them that mummy is having a very hard time atm and she may say things she doesn't mean. Liken it to when kids call each other names and say they are not friends, then all is forgotten the next day. We all say things we don't mean, a grown up is no different in that way to a child. Mummy is not perfect, however mummy is so so sorry for frightening them. Shouting is not good, it's the wrong thing to do and people shouldn't say unkind things to each other. So you hope they will forgive mummy and perhaps we call all help each other whilst mummy is having such a difficult time.

Another idea is one I told to dd. Whenever I was losing it, I told her to give me a sign, in our case it's an "ok" sign. This is a sign to me to stop and breathe and a sign to her to go to her room until things have calmed down. This is a recent idea and I don't know if it works yet, hopefully there won't be a need to use it. But it's one way of giving some control to your kids and a sign to you, a chance for you to be jerked back to reality.

It's not easy being a mum. You are expected to look after your children, your family, your partner, etc, but you yourself need looking after too. I hope you can get the help you need. You are not alone in wanting to change things and hopefully our children will learn from our struggle.

I shout at my kids - sometimes they deserve it / sometimes its cos I'm so tired

I ALWAYS apologise and say "sorry mummy shouted....it was wrong....please dont do such & such"

my DS said aftrer my works do when I was tired all day " I dont like u going to bed late as it makes u shout"

we are entitled to be cross & shout but it is important to show kids that its Ok to be cross & explain why u r cross

dont beat urself up

Interesting that a lot of us who shout at our DCs had mothers who did the same?

Maybe they did beat themselves up over it. maybe some of them were depressed and couldnt get help, maybe some of them turned to drink.

But they didnt have this kind of support network, they couldnt be this honest without being judged.

Nappies, if you are talking about it on here, you care enough, and your DCs will know the difference.

And as an aside, the children whose mothers murmur "that makes mummy sad" while the little shit kicks her ankles or throws all the cans off the supermarket shelf, are not going to feel any more loved.

If you feel that bad about it, you can always try not to repeat the pattern tomorrow. And if it happens again, try again the next day.

I know Im not telling you anything new, but pleaser dont be so hard on yourself.

I don't recall my mum shouting at us more then a few times and by time I was 8 she was a single parent of 4 with her own business to try and run. To this day I don't know how she stayed sane. I on the other hand am completely rabid with rage most of the time and shout a lot.

Nappies - The following advice, which I would like to extend to every single stressed mother on MN, will probably drop into the MN ocean and go largely un-noticed but I would like you to go out and buy some herbal Valeria/Valeriana capsules tomorrow, Kneipp are the ones I use. Take 2 when you get up, 2 an hour before lunch and 2 an hour before supper. I hadn't taken them since before getting preg with DD2. I decided to start taking them again this week after assuming I couldn't because I am still bfeeding DD2 15 m. Turns out they are perfectly safe even while bfeeding, (you may want to check that with your GP tho´). Wish I'd known that at the beginning of the year when I was battling undiagnosed PND and planning to kill myself and the DDs. Maybe they wouldn't have made a huge difference to that amount of chemical imbalance in my brain or maybe they would have made enough difference that I could have avoided that hell, I'll never know. Anyway, it's just amazing the difference they have made in a few short days. Instead of being on the edge all the time and seething with anger inside so that the slightest thing pushes me over I am now calm and cheerful, most of the time, and instead of making my kids cry I am making them and myself laugh. Things that were the last straw before now slide off me like water off a duck's back. I find I can't even shout as loudly as usual. Apart from that there don't seem to be any undesirable side effects and I am functioning as efficiently as usual. In fact I have had a very creative and inspired week. I don't care if I have to take them for the rest of my life, it'll be a bloody good investment. Please try them. (They might not have exactly the same effect on you so try them out on a weekend just incase).

Nappies lost my rag yesterday with dd 15m cos of the food flinging olympics that happens every single mealtime. Felt shit afterwards.

You've got 3!! I bet you're doing a fab job! It's so so hard to hold it all together and still be a person.

Reclaim yourself, find something that makes you the lady you were before you were a mum (and therefore relinquished yourself) dh wants us to have another I'm v reluctant but you've done it 3 times that's fab!!

I take St. johns Wort by the way. Doesn't elate me as such but keeps me on a level stops me from flipping out.

I tried Bach's Remedies but it did feck all, even though I drank all of it once. I also sent it to a friend to try but it didn't work for her either.

[sheepish]

thanks everybody. have read it all twice now and will again in the morning, when i will be attepting to take a lot of it on board. will look into that valerian thing... and speak to my GP.

thank you for being there

can i just add a word of caution about the St Johns Wort, i have heard it is really great but just be aware that it doesnt mix with some ADs and you must have a break of at least two weeks in between taking this and starting ADs, so if you are thinking you might want to give ADs a go then hold off on that one hope you feel; better

also DO NOT take St John's Wort if you are on the Pill without checking with GP....it may interfere with the workings of some combined pills.

hi strawbs

um, not sure really. have made appt to see doc. i spoke to him about this coming and going last time i saw him with one of the boys, and have talked about pnd a few times now over the last 3 yrs or so... and he said to come back if i wanted to talk aboiut doing something (didnt , on that day, feel desperate so didnt want to persue medical route).
i think enough is enough and i could do with some help tbh.

ill be fine, ive fought much worse. just need to get my shit together really.i am fine really... just got this undercurrent pulling me down, but really, there are no outside causes so its easily fixed, right? [likes that logic]

will bear that all in mind re the st jihns wort, thank you. i have the mirena which has hormones in it - dont know if thats the same as being on the pill...

Oh nappies

FWIW I have done similar and like Soph only have one. Sometimes it is all JUST TOO MUCH is it not? When dd was 3 and being a mare but if I am honest I was just in a bad way, I picked her up and screamed in her face that if she was going to be like that I didn't want her I went to work and had to be sent home as I couldn't stop crying and cried on and off for 2 days

I have never felt as low about being a monther as I did then, the awful thing about shouting at children is that you only do it when you are already feeling really bad and then it makes you feel even fucking worse

Hope your wine and a good sob on dh makes you feel better

BIG HUGS XXXXX

or a mother

my girl is thinking she is a shit mother !?! how did this slip under my radar

now, you are not a shit mother

you had 3 babies in 3 years,i imagine you need to remind yourself to breathe from time to time..

stop being so blardy hard on yourself.

you are amazing, you are patient, funny, witty and kind. not to mention intelligent and stunning cow!

it might be time to look at some more help- ADs, counselling, CPNs can come and do relaxation with you at home sometimes...

ask for the help

you cannot carry on feeling like this, it is just wrong, to have such a low opionion of yourself

big hugs for you x

have i ever mentioned that i blardy love you guys?

coz i do.

oi
have emailed you

I am right where you are atm Nappies - I completely lost the plot with dd who won't sleep and I had to get up v early this morning and be bright eyed and bushy tailed at work. I shouted at dh too and wept copiously. I'm sure that most people on here have been there at some point.

Now, constructive stuff... you say that your Mum saying she loved you after she had screamed at you made you feel shitty - what do you think she should have said that would make it better? Can you think of a better way she might have dealt with it that you could use yourself with your dc's? Perhaps more of an explaination than a simple declaration of love. Do you tell them you love them when you haven't been angry at them? Perhaps if you did that then they won't just equate love with anger.

And get yourself down the docs. Honestly, they can help you

And finally, be kind to yourself. Give yourself the credit you deserve.

thanks tigerfeet. is an interesting question you pose... but i have no idea what the answer is tbh. think maybe thats one to go over with a therapist perhaps!

(buys sally a pint)