To think I do not deserve anything nice because I did not give my kids the best start in life?

[Sonygirl23]

Hi all,
My mental health has always been shaky but it has seriously gone downhill since my dad died.
Ever since my eldest was born 3 years ago, I have been telling myself that I dont deserve any nice clothes,dont deserve to wear anything nice/ look good, do any of my favourite things or not spend any money on myself because I need to save up every penny to give my kids the best start in life.
I always felt guilty for having my kids, especially since my parents always said I dont/cant provide with what they need. Even though recently I bought my 2 bed flat home for my kids I still think I am not good enough to be their mum because I dont have a high paid job, I dont have the standard 3 bed house they need to thrive and I dont have a car( I am able to drive).
Is there something wrong with me? Be honest please

There is nothing wrong with you (but your mother sounds a bit OTT).

My first baby was born when we lived in a one bedroomed flat, when DS came along we lived in a two bedroomed house and continued to do so until they were 6 and 8. They thrived without lots of material things that so many children had, they are now wonderful, kind adults with a great sense of family and fairness. They both hate inequality and discrimination and I know, from conversations with them now as adults, that they do not feel they missed out because they didn't have, in a material sense, what lots of their friends did. Money and possessions do not guarantee a happy childhood.

You own a home so you're doing much better than a lot of us! Do you think your kids deserve a mum who takes pride in her appearance?

In my head a high paid job tends to mean lots of childcare (although this counts for low paid jobs too)

I always feel guilt for spending money or time on myself as well, but you need to keep it in check by questioning it.

It all sounds very normal to be honest

My home is mortgaged and luckily I do not have to pay for childcare. But the fact that I feel tearful about this, have become seriously forgetful with everything (where its affecting my work.and home life) and unable to concentrate is making me think what is wrong with me

Have you spoken to your GP? It sounds like you could have depression.

Sounds like depression could be a possibility

It sounds like you are giving yourself a very hard time for no reason. This isn’t sustainable for you or your kids. It’s not good for any of you.

Go and see your GP please. You would benefit from some counselling I think and perhaps some medication for a while so you can lift your head above water.

The life you are providing for your kids sounds perfectly adequate. Your parents (?) seem to be putting weird ideas into your head that everyone has to own a house and a car. They do not. Do your parents to your childcare? If so it may be hard to limit contact, but please work on detachment.

Guilt is up there with fear as the most useless, destructive, stupid emotion we can generate. Remember that.

I don't have the standard 3 bed house they need to thrive and I don't have a car

Where on earth did you get the notion that happiness equates to a 3 bed house and a car? What about love, respect, laughter, fun, safety, cuddles, games, warmth and stability? Do they come anywhere on the list - because I bet that every adult remembers them long after they've forgotten the number of bedrooms in the family home.

I have been telling myself So, start telling yourself that a happy and relaxed mother is what your children need and that giving them every bit of yourself will leave you as a shadow of yourself (and quite possibly with entitled and selfish teenagers). Demonstrate to them that self love and self respect are qualities that are infinitely more valuable than "stuff".

I am bringing a baby into the world in our 2-bedroomed house. Car seat will be put in a 16-yr old car. All clothes, etc. are second or third-hand.

As long as your children are safe, loved, warm, clean(ish), and you keep them healthy and happy, everything else is bonus. Your children deserve a mum, who loves and respects herself. Please don't feel like you don't deserve good things or are failing them.

I think your mum is being cruel by constantly putting you down.Please stop listening to her.

3 bed houses and cars are luxuries. Plenty of us thrived growing up sharing bedrooms in council flats.

Luxuries aren't what makes kids thrive, it's love and security.

Your children need love and security. They don't need a three bedroomed house or a car. They need you.

Please work on loving yourself as much you love them, so they will not grow up to hate themselves in this way. You can do this for them. Even though you don't feel it now, act as if you do and slowly the feelings will grow.

Their childhood isn't just about being a child, it's about the sort of adult they will grow up to be. Show them how to thrive as a parent, too, and give their future adult selves those gifts, which are infinitely more valuable than a car.

You can do it. You can. You are a good mother. If you need help from a GP, then get it -- wouldn't you want them to get help if they needed it? Be a friend to yourself and love the small frightened child within you as much as you love your children.

Please speak to your GP or Hv OP, you sound very sad.

Your eldest is 3? Have yo u ever been treated for PND? It sounds like a real possibility. There's nothing "wrong with you" in terms of who you are, but there's something "wrong" with how your brain is talking to you atm

Do you think you might have post natal depression? Wtf were you're parents on about? So not helpful.

You do deserve nice things, to be happy. Its very true happy mum, happy dcs.