I'm 36 and been suffering from depression and also have PTSD the last 5 years. In that time, the loneliness has been absolutely crushing. I have no friends despite getting involved in so many different activities. I had a best friend of many years, but we fell out 2 years ago, when I was going through a hard time she just announced she "didn't need me anymore" which left me devastated.
I have a close relationship with my mother but don't want to be putting my problems onto her because she has her own worries. I have a sister who hates my very existence and couldn't care whether I live or die and it's always been this way, despite me trying over the years to have some kind of relationship with her, I gave up because it was exhausting.
I have chrons disease so am unable to work, so that has been really difficult aswell. When things with covid settle down, I really hope to volunteer for something.
I'm just finding it very hard to cope right now. I honestly feel if I died tomorrow, nobody would even turn up at my funeral and this loneliness is eating me up bit by bit everyday. I am usually able to get on with things and try not to feel sorry for myself, but for some reason it all feels really heavy today and I've been having suicidal thoughts on and off aswell.
Only last week I started to see a new therapist and she was very compassionate which will hopefully help. I just wish I could get rid of the sense of despair that I feel and the fact I feel there is something wrong with me when I see others around me never struggling with friendship