Can't see a way forward for me

[silverley]

The last four or so years have been incredibly hard for me, just one things after another. Abusive marriage, cheated on, abortion that had health complications for months afterwards, moving countries, living in a half renovated house, financial issues...as I look back and write it all down, I can't believe all of this happened in just a few years. I escaped my abusive marriage at the start of the year, but since then I've been living alone, very rurally, in this half finished house in a country where I have no family or friends, with my husband still intimidating me whenever he feels like it.

I have tried my absolute best to get through it all, but now I am so stuck. I am so alone. I can't see any way out of this. If I stay here, it's going to an awful winter on my own, in a cold and damp house, barely seeing anyone most days. I'm also not sure what to do here long term, so even if I do get through the winter, what am I getting through it for?

To move back to the UK would be difficult. No family have any room for me to stay. I'm self-employed, so don't have steady work, in fact, no guarantee of work beyond the middle of next year, so I think it would be difficult to rent, plus I have pets. I don't enjoy my job and would like to retrain, but not sure what as, and it's hard to make any big choices about things when just day to day, it's so hard. I can't make myself wash up, let alone decide on a new career path.

I have tried my best for so long now, and it doesn't seem to get any better. I go for a walk every day with the dog, so I get some exercise and go outside. I try to join clubs and take classes, but it just feels like I get every interaction with people wrong somehow, and it's hard to listen to everyone chat away about their kids and families when I've got nothing. I'm nearly 36, so it feels like I've missed the boat on having children too. I try to be gentle with myself, tell myself that it's okay to just do small things, okay if I mess things up, but I still end up crying and berating myself most days. I struggle to think clearly now, struggle to get myself together to do small tasks.

I just don't know what to do anymore, or how to get out of this life.

Practically - can you lock up the house for the winter and rent/house share (or house sit) somewhere else? Or can you make just one room warm and dry?

Work wise - what do you do now, and the idea of doing what makes your heart beat a little bit faster?

Emotionally - why can't you tell your husband to fuck off? You don't know (I presume) that you are not going to have children so shelve that one for a few months.

Give the clubs and classes a miss for now - you're not in the right headspace but do treat yourself as you would a good friend. "Trying" to be gentle and then berating yourself is not helpful. Actually being kind to yourself and taking time to listen to yourself would be much better.

Where are you currently living (country, not full address!)?

I divorced five years ago and I still feel numbed by the shock of it all sometimes and unsettled about how much my life has changed even though things for me are pretty good. So with all you've been through and are still going through it's not surprising you feel battered. I think it's like the aftermath of being in an accident - you're just reeling from it all - it's not possible to make sense of things or make plans you are just in a period of adjustment. Taking things slowly is absolutely fine, in fact far healthier than making major manic decisions I'd say.

I've found writing a blog is helpful when I'm stressed - even if the only person who reads it is me - it's helpful to read back and reflect on things, perhaps it could turn into a book about your experiences.

Thank you both @Sarahlou63 and @AlyssasBackRolls

Keeping one room of the house warm and dry is where I'm at currently. It the kind of thing that I would be okay with and could put up with if I was feeling a bit stronger mentally I think, but is affecting me a lot these days. I'm in Ireland, but very much in the back of beyond. I looked a bit at house sitting in the UK a while ago, although I didn't end up signing up because most of the sites wanted a membership fee, and I wasn't sure enough about it all.

My husband I mostly ignore and grey rock when I have to communicate, but it's still very stressful. I started looking at a non-molestation order a while ago, but he's left me alone recently, so that's on the back burner. It's always hanging over me though, and I still find myself ruminating and getting upset and angry over the abuse a lot. I am definitely still reeling from it all, although I've tried to pick myself up a bit by doing the Freedom Programme and having some counselling.