This is a long one, so if you still stick around to read in hopes of offering help, thank you.
So, I recently got married in the last two months, it had been postponed many times due to the pandemic so there has been a lot of anticipation leading up to it. I have both chronic depression and anxiety - both of which I'm being treated for. But big occasions like this, out of my comfort zone is a huge trigger for me, so my emotions where very heighten and I was extremely anxious. Whilst both extremely excited that this day had finally arrived. Those closest to me knew how much it meant. So, the wedding day came and went, and the morning after we all had breakfast together. Whilst at the breakfast, my mums OH made some really unkind and outright rude remarks to both me and husband regarding the wedding, and basically his brutal opinion of it. I was so instantly hurt by the comments, I honestly couldn't believe someone would be so thoughtless and so outwardly disrespectful to someone who just invited you to join them in celebrating their special day, all at their expense too! So, in my opinion regardless of weather it was to your taste or not, shut up because it was paid for.
We both returned home really disheartened by what had been said, and it felt like that was the feeling being taken away from our wedding. Im guessing my mum picked up that because she messaged to ask if we were upset with her. To which I answered honestly. She responded almost put out by the fact we'd actually called them out for it and that's pretty much where things went south!!
I should probably now mention that I work at the establishment my mum and OH own. However, that wasn't always the case - I worked there for a long time before they brought it. But I am now employed by them...
Me and OH went away for a couple of days locally, and whilst away I heard nothing from her, which isn't usual as we talk everyday. So when we arrived home, I called to see if she was home to go and see her, before I was due back into work the next day and there was an atmosphere. On the phone she was extremely cold with me. And when we got there, we were welcomed with the coldest welcome imaginable. She looked at us in utter disgusted and then just sat down. I instantly got my back up slightly, fathering how we were insulted and are now being villianised for being honest.
The conversation went nowhere and voices were raised, then her OH finally intervened after hiding in the other room, yelling and shouting he's had enough, told me to look for another job and kicked us out..
DUNFOUNDED!!
I went home, bewildered, in a panic because I've just lost my job?!! Shocked at how they unfolded.. so the following day I get up and turn on my laptop and start the job search. My OH calls me from work, your mums just rang asking where you are and why your not at work?!
On comes even more drama ... now, I'm ruining their livelihood?! I'm blaming everything on them?!! Do I realise how hurt she is that we've said they are responsible for ruining our day?! - sorry?! What! This continued along with her allowing him to mock my mental health down the phone. Numerous times I genuinely screamed, please stop all this I'm going to end up dead!! I mentally was at breaking point .. but then it didn't stop , then it was final. I was sacked.
I cut them off then, and just focused on trying to move forward, but I was really really really struggling. My depression was at its worst. I felt like I'd just had what was meant to be the happiest momentous moments in my life flipped utterly on its a*s. I spent days in the sofa, in my Pjs. Not really saying, scanning job sites and applying for everything and anything, all the while my anxiety increasingly mounting about the fact I've just lost a job I've had for 11 years overnight, all the colleagues who've become like family, the regular customers I see and speak to daily, my whole routine and a job I was bloody good at to have to start somewhere at the bottom, interview for the first time in 11+ years, and land something decent. The pressure whilst feeling so low was massive. I'd like to say my new husband was a rock for me - but I'd be lying. Infact, he's honestly made all of this 10xs harder by being so flippant about my feelings and emotions, belittling me, pressuring me, no sympathy, no comfort. Just a absolute battle on a almost weekly occasion and they never only lasted one day.
I felt SO alone. I had nowhere to turn, bills too be paid, no support from my husband, family scarpered 'not wanting to involve themselves' when they did exactly that just from her sidelines. I landed an interview, at a school, no specific desire to do the job just a needs must, would pay the bills. Ok hours. Went to the interview, nearly threw up on the way, and amazingly heard back the same day I'd got the job. I said yes. Knew I couldn't afford to bide my time and see what else comes up.. from the minute I said yes, my anxiety was crippling, I lost my appetite almost completely, lost all sense of time, would spend hours in a daze, constant nausea, racing heart rate, hot flushes, moments of just sheer panic. I couldn't sleep solidly, Id have several what I can only describe as night terrors every night. All whilst trying to pretend I was OK and happy to be moving forward. It was pointless to act any different, it wasn't going to make any difference and it'd been made clear I wasn't going to get any sympathy. My mental health is a taboo to him. I started the new job, I hated every single second. Most people where kind and I warmed up to people quickly, I mask my anxiety pretty well in front of strangers. The lady I worked beneath was a very cold women, and I was very much left to my own devises with no direction... a few weeks pasted and I still honestly has no idea what my actually job was. I had no clear picture of what my usual duties would be, I was just being thrown a few shty tasks she clearly didn't want to do. The anxiety was getting worse and I was have almost daily panic attacks, even on weekends. Then, I went in one Monday and ended up having a full on panic attack/breakdown 10 footsteps into the door. A wonderful colleague took my away for a walk and was really kind, and I was sent home.
I knew when I drove off that mentally, I wouldn't be able to come back there. One of my worst nightmares just played our there. Being that emotionally raw in front of almost perfect strangers and so many of them.
I went home, picked up the phone to call my partner. Told him what had happened, and I don't know why I expected anything less but his response was dismissive and belittling - 'why didn't you just go back in' 'so your home for the day then' 'I don't really get this whole thing, it doesn't make sense to me'
I hung up and I called my mum.... we hadn't spoken in weeks, but I really needed someone to stop me doing something awful. She answered, and was surprisingly receptive. Maybe because she heard the angst in mr voice, maybe because she's my mother but, she listened and agreed to come up and see me after she finished work.
I was somewhat hoping she'd come up owning her behaviour, offer me a sincere apology, and heartfelt hug and offer me to return to work, where I should be. But, it wasn't, I had to do most the talking, and I had to completely swallow my pride and accept it for what it was. She wasn't owning everything, and the cherry on top .... she actually said, she told me after saying I couldn't come back, 'no we aren't sacking you' again, this was MY fault?! It doesn't even make sense, and she's so blatantly lying to manipulate the narrative because sacking your own daughter is such a shty look. But it was obvious to me, if I wanted to have her back in my life I'd have to accept it... but, that still wasn't enough.. she told me she'd like me back to work, and I'd like to return .. but she'd have to go away and see if she can fit me in there now - I should mention they didn't replace me in numbers, however they did promote another member of staff into my manager position. So, I couldn't understand why she'd struggle to fit me back in, just in a lower grade position... I knew it then, they were going to have me back, but they were going to make it all on their terms, changing terms of previous contract, hours, even wage. I'm a mug ... because I accept it. But, I'm desperate to be back working where I enjoy, where I feel safe, I need to be earning. And the way I feel right now, I can't mentally handle interviewing and starting new again... I just want some normality and this madness is the closest to it.
So, I believe I start back next week... I'd like to say I feel better. But I don't, I just feel trapped. I genuinely want to get better, to be the better version of myself I was before mental health. I see her in there sometimes, I know she's there: I just can't get her out. It's like every time I get close, someone builds another barrier. Nearly everyone closest to me, no matter what I say, I've even said, I need a break or I'm going to end up dead' and I've had the response, yeah we've heard that before you'd have done it already. I'll believe it when I see it' I contemplate it a little bit more everyday now. I feel like I'm so far gone... I honestly do not know how to pull myself out of this. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm always confronted with problems. My mental health isn't taken seriously whatsoever, I've been made to feel SO judged about it I'm actually embarrassed. Which In turn triggers my anxiety more.. I feel like I'm in such a toxic environment, but yet I love my husband and I adore my mother. And thinking of a life where I remove myself from them isn't even conceivable. I'm nowhere near strong enough to navigate through that successfully. Am I crazy?? Because thats exactly how I've been made to feel. I've been told I'm deranged and sometimes I genuinely do feel like I am because I cannot rationalise their treatment of me. I question it daily? I couldn't imagine behaving in this way to someone who'd openly cried out for help.
If you've read all of this - really, thank you. I know I won't find the Answers here. If I'm honest, I'm just so totally alone, I just wanted to get it out.