How do I help my sister after stillbirth

[hereagainat3am]

My sister had a stillborn baby 3 weeks ago, at full term. She's obviously desperately upset, as is the whole family. She has a little girl age 2 who is keeping her going, but I'm really worried about her state of mind and how she's going to get through this. Her husband is super supportive but he needs to go back to work in a week. Her daughter is at nursery 3 days a week, and I know my sis is dreading the time that she'll be alone at home when she should be there with a baby. Work don't have anything for her to go back to for at least another 6-8 weeks, and as she's had a c-section she can't drive or exercise. We are visiting as much as we can but inevitably the conversation returns to the recent events, and she just ends up upset again. I also think she's tiring of the endless cups of tea.
I've suggested she take up some sort of hobby or join a club that will help distract her and pass the time quicker until she can go back to work, but I just can't think of a specific suggestion. Any ideas? She's in London. Thanks

I think although it hurts to see her upset, it is important to let her talk about it rather than try and distract her. I can't imagine what she must be going through. It must also be very painful for you to see hwr go through it.

sorry but taking up a hobby or "distraction" when all this is so raw isn't helpful.
it's awful and will take time.

Sorry to hear
Talk to sands
www.sands.org.uk/contact-us

Agree with others. It’s not something to be distracted from, she needs to be able to grieve.

Just be there for her. Let her cry, be led by her.

It's still so soon, if she wants to talk just listen.
Can she access bereavement counselling? The hospital will have information on this.

Just sit with her and listen and maybe go for a walk or a coffee and listen some more and let her be upset. She's allowed to be upset and it's wrong to say she needs to distract herself from it imho.

Hi I'm a Sands befriender definitely look up her local group might still be online but I found it super useful in our early days. We lost twins to neonatal death in niccu, things people did that helped were bring round meals etc when I just couldn't face cooking, letting me talk about them, taking me for coffee and cake. On the hobby thing, think depends what it is, I made Xmas decorations on my sewing machine and sold them to raise funds for niccu that gave me focus...think big busy hobby groups with new people might be hard for her. Has she been offered counselling?

Sorry will just jump in, she's specifically said she needs a distraction. She's speaking to a counsellor and is speaking to friends and family daily and will continue to do so. She terrified by the prospect of thinking solely about this for the next two months and wants something to make the days pass quicker

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's difficult because everyone's different, my little boy was stillborn in January 2020 and to be honest, as upsetting as it was to go over everything with people I think it helped me process what had happened.

I also wanted to get back to work as soon as possible but then covid hit and returning to work was delayed until August, this ended up being a blessing in disguise as it gave me time to work through things without forcing me to return to my old normal. I know I didn't want to start up new things or hobbies, mainly because I needed to be within my comfort zone as I learnt who I now was and how I'd react to things. As hard as it is I don't think being distracted will help, when the distraction stops you're confronted with your reality all over again and just taking time to process it fully may be better, however painful that can be.

My little girl was 2 at the time my baby died as well so I understand the pressure to carry on and provide some degree of normality, a bit of time to herself might be helpful but really all you can do is be guided by your sister. I found that the things I was most terrified of, such as not being busy when I should have been busy with a newborn weren't as difficult as I'd anticipated but on the flip side it's the issues that I don't see coming that still floor me nearly 2 years later.

@Clareyck

Hi I'm a Sands befriender definitely look up her local group might still be online but I found it super useful in our early days. We lost twins to neonatal death in niccu, things people did that helped were bring round meals etc when I just couldn't face cooking, letting me talk about them, taking me for coffee and cake. On the hobby thing, think depends what it is, I made Xmas decorations on my sewing machine and sold them to raise funds for niccu that gave me focus...think big busy hobby groups with new people might be hard for her. Has she been offered counselling?

I'm so sorry for your loss clareyck, no one should ever have to go through this. She has spoken to SANDS and has had a first counselling session with another scheduled. Yes I was thinking along the lines of sewing or crafts, and I agree big groups may be a bit much. I suggested a book club but I guess there could be a load of potential triggers there so perhaps not such a good idea

I'm so sorry for you both.

I would say animals. My dog helped me over many dark days, so either walking a dog for someone or horses or something that will let her connect and talk in silence. I appreciate that may be difficult with horses in London, but animals can be a wonderful outlet and help.

This was me 11 years ago. She needs time, she needs to grieve, she might need to talk, it might be the same thing over and over again.

She might need to be alone to completely dissolve and not need to think about being a wife and a mother, she might need company.

Everyone is different. It won't be a straight line forward, it will be step forwards and backwards for years.

Remember her baby's birthday in the years to come, send her a card, acknowledge this child.

Nurture her (and her partner) through this process.

@July17January20

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's difficult because everyone's different, my little boy was stillborn in January 2020 and to be honest, as upsetting as it was to go over everything with people I think it helped me process what had happened.

I also wanted to get back to work as soon as possible but then covid hit and returning to work was delayed until August, this ended up being a blessing in disguise as it gave me time to work through things without forcing me to return to my old normal. I know I didn't want to start up new things or hobbies, mainly because I needed to be within my comfort zone as I learnt who I now was and how I'd react to things. As hard as it is I don't think being distracted will help, when the distraction stops you're confronted with your reality all over again and just taking time to process it fully may be better, however painful that can be.

My little girl was 2 at the time my baby died as well so I understand the pressure to carry on and provide some degree of normality, a bit of time to herself might be helpful but really all you can do is be guided by your sister. I found that the things I was most terrified of, such as not being busy when I should have been busy with a newborn weren't as difficult as I'd anticipated but on the flip side it's the issues that I don't see coming that still floor me nearly 2 years later.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I can completely understand how emotions resurface later down the line and, while it may become easier, it will never go away. I know this is still super early days for her, and there is a long process that she needs to work through. All she wants is to be back at work (and pregnant again), she is quite literally counting down the days and I'm worried about her wallowing in grief and regret

I got a kitten when something similar happened to me in 2019. Really helped me get through things and I love my cat to bits.

My MIL went on a cookery course. Years later she is an amazing cook. She said it really helped her to focus on learning a new skill after losing her baby at 41 weeks.

This was me in Aug of the lockdown, tbh nothing will really help. Its horrific, and the worst thing is living with it everyday.
I also had a 2 year old so was forced to get up and carry on and scream into pillows.
I was lucky to fall pregnant again after 10 weeks as didn't know what else to do, ppl assuming everything is OK now and waited it out to see me. It's a never ending pain.

I have my new one and I'm besotted but it doesn't change my sadness about her. Just be there, ask to see photos is they have any,
I found the silence deafening, maybe puzzles aswell which might be odd, but in the night I could never sleep so just sat doing jigsaw puzzles. Food was also handy, my friends made up little meals for us and separate ones for my 2 year old Di at least he still ate nice things, don't think I ate for a week. I'm so sorry for your loss, it truly is awful.

I would suggest jigsaw puzzles too. Easy to start and stop. Very absorbing.
This has happened to a couple of friends. Everybody copes different,y. Use the baby's name, ask to see photos if you haven't already. This is their beautiful child and your sister needs to have her celebrated as well as mourned. Don't be afraid of the tears, if she cries when you talk about it that isn't making her 'more' upset. It's recognising And giving space for the grief.

Can you organiser her friends to visit her every day on a rota?
Would she feel up to volunteering eg visiting the elderly? Helping organise xmas events in the community?

What about trying to find a group of people in a similar situation for her to chat to? I have often found it helpful when dealing with difficult life events to be able to talk to others who have been through or who are going through similar and know first hand how difficult it is.

This happened to my sister almost 20 years ago. She tried the counselling sessions and they just didn't do it for her - that's not to say it wont work for your sis. They ended up getting a dog as they couldn't bear the empty house and while he obviously didn't replace their newborn he was a great distraction. This was their first child.