So sad....

[Xmas80]

I feel close to breaking point and don't know what to do. I feel I have so many issues which I've spent years fighting alone and lately feel like giving up.

I had childhood trauma, grew up listening to parents arguing/fighting before my mother died when I was 9. I have images in my mind and memories that can never go away.

I have general anxiety - everyday I feel sick with worry. I have bad social anxiety, a stutter/speech blocks, so bad I would definitely refuse a promotion/payrise if it meant having to give presentations. I'm mute in meetings. Even around family I'm quiet as I struggle to get my words out, so I avoid talking to hide it.

I have low confidence, low self esteem, struggle to maintain friendships as normally I prefer being alone, it just feels easier and safer. I look at other people living their lives happily and I feel so envious. I feel like I've always been on the outside looking in.

I feel ugly, bad skin, try to avoid mirrors etc.

I told my GP last year of how I was feeling and she gave me sertraline, but I've never taken it and they are stil in the cupboard I feel too scared to take it for some reason. I've tried CBT which tried to focus on the stutter, which hasn't helped.

I'm struggling to get out of bed, lost focus, forgetting things, making silly mistakes at work😔

I'm currently getting no help or support and just don't know what to do. I have looked at private counselling but there's so many different options/types out there, I find it so overwhelming I give up as I have no idea where to start.

I just want to feel happy but losing hope of ever finding it as I approach the age of 40

I'm sorry you feel so sad.

It might be worth discussing with a counsellor why you felt unable to take the sertraline?

I also had a friend who had excellent results with hypnotherapy for a stutter. I'm sceptical about alternative therapies but it really worked for them.

I have also avoided jobs that involve presenting, and am also not at all keen on social events.

@rrhuth thank you. I think it's a combination of things.....some bad reviews, possible side effects, the withdrawal effects, the stigma attached to medication.

In a strange way, not sure if anyone can make sense of this, but at times I almost feel scared of feeling happy. I've always been unhappy from a child, so this feeling is normal

You poor thing you are so brave for just sharing on here.
I find that anti depressants have helped me in the past, give the sertraline a go? lots of boards on here to support with them. They can tide you over and give you a new perspective.

Try more therapy through the GP, lots out there, I have had about three different lots, that have helped in various ways.

Mind is a good charity and can give useful advice, they also have a helpline as have Samaritans. Just talking to people about how you feel can help you think things through.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/a-z-mental-health/

I agree about the job, I would hate that kind of role. Think about what else may suit you? What do you enjoy doing? Play to your strengths.

Most of all though, be kind to yourself today

Childhood trauma can have a real significant impact on how people feel, and how to develop relationships and trust. You’ve been through a lot and need to learn how to manage this and not let it affect the rest of your life.

Start with small steps, maybe book yourself an appointment at the hairdressers so you feel good about your hair, or go for a massage.

I would also try and book a GP appointment and talk through your concerns about the anti depressants.

Do you have any close friends?

@hoochyhooha thank you for replying. I have a good job which I do enjoy, and currently work from home so it's easy to avoid people. I can avoid having to attend meetings, answer the phone in a quiet office etc.

My mind is so negative right now, I feel like I'm just trying to survive each day.

@OnceuponaRainbow18 thank you. I have a few friends, but I find it so difficult to open up and talk about it. No one really knows how I feel deep inside as I have always hidden it.

Even family - I will always say I'm fine as I don't want to worry them. It's easier to pretend I'm fine