I'm 31, single and recently i've been feeling really disconnected in life.
I have a small family, very little friends. And lately I've just been believing I have nothing to offer anybody, in a relationship or otherwise. I speak to friends every few weeks. It feels like i'm not as close to anyone as I once was, and at the same time, I don't have the energy to even reach out or make much effort. I wondered to begin with if i'm just not cut out for long working hours, or working 5 days a week... but even if i'm on a day or week off, I rarely do much but sit around in bed (awful I know). Sometimes I push myself to do things, but half heartedly.
I feel like maybe my brain and body have just given up. My twenties were not the easiest. I had a couple of difficult dating/rship experiences whilst those around me had (what appeared) much easier rides and I have always had trouble making friends. I'm also secretly bitter that i'm not married with children but i'm too exhausted to date, physically and mentally. I think I would be happier if I had more people around me. People just don't warm to me, I think i'm a nice person, but its very rare I make new friends. Last time I made a new friend was back in 2018 and she is now going off the radar - like a few others have for no good reason.
I just feel like I never have much to say, because of my boring life of working full time and then having no energy.
I have been to the docs loads and loads of times and basically been made out i'm wasting their time. I've had blood tests, have been on anti-ds for years and years, i'm now on a dose of 20mg of citalopram. (I've even switched to other ADs to try before but the side effects weren't great)
The last time I was happy and didn't feel this way was 5 years ago, when I had a brief relationship. I finally thought i'd found what i'd dreamed of and then he ended things with me and my world came crashing down. It took a long time to heal and when I did, I had no interest in much anymore.
I'm lonely and want people around me, yet I also just want to hide away all the time.
I just feel at a loss at what to do from here.