Is this a MH problem or a parenting one?

[mehter]

I wonder if anyone who is going or has gone through similar might give me some advice. My anxiety and worrying over my teenage daughter (16) in one particular area feels like it is reaching pathological levels. I have normal parent concerns about her not coming to harm, doing well in school, being able to look after herself, etc. But when it comes to relationships and friendships I lose the plot. I am in constant fear of her being rejected, and when I feel it is happening I feel so anxious and sad for her that I don't know what to do with myself. She has had a little more than her fair share of friendship drama, but not a ridiculous amount. She currently does well in school and seems adjusted and happy with a good circle of friends. But she is rarely anyone's "best friend", anyone's first and closest choice. She has never had a close friendship or friendship group that lasted more than a year or two. People seen to "go off" her and reject her on a regular basis. I am watching it slowly happen right now with two friends who she was quite close to but who seem to be pulling away, for reasons that aren't obvious (no arguments, for instance). She notices, and says she doesn't mind, but I'm not so sure, although I try to listen to what she says and believe her rather than my bonkers thoughts.

I worry on two fronts: is she secretly unhappy whenever these things happen but doesn't tell me anymore cos she can sense how invested I'm in it? And - and this is what kills me - why does this keep happening to her? Is she not likeable, or off-putting? She seems nothing of the sort to me and the adults around her. is this the result of my less-than-great parenting? Is it my "loser" genes?

If some of us are simply destined to be less popular or loveable and to endure rejection, how can I try to cope when I see it happen to her, when it feels so painful? How does one develop resilience against something so fundamental and that keeps happening? And if this is a massive projection (I know it is - I have felt the same kind of rejection all my life) how do I stop myself from feeling like this and how do I ensure it doesn't make things worse for her? Like all parents, all I want is for her to be happy.

Have you had any therapy to process your past feelings about rejection? If not then get some and then you will be clearer about separating your past from your daughter's present. As you currently stand you may be projecting, it's hard to say, but certainly your post indicates a fair amount of anxiety and that can cloud the best of us.
Do you know how your daughter feels about all this? Perhaps she is unhappy to settle for friends where things aren't gelling and is happy to move around groups. That sounds like an amazing quality if so. We have stories in our society about needing the same friends for many years but for some people this just isn't the case. Let your daughter map out her own reality. Also let her experience life without friends as well as life with, that will put her in great stead for adulthood when we can have periods of both. Finally, I probably wouldn't seek support from someone who I knew would just increase my worry so you are going to need to ask yourself if you care more about what your daughter thinks or more about how popular she is. I hope that you will choose the former, so many people are more invested in the latter.

Thank you very much for replying.

Over the years I have had a fair bit of counselling, including longer-term talking therapy and CBT. I feel in a good place about myself, but I seem to lose all sense of proportion when it comes to my daughter. I have been thinking about engaging in some more counselling specifically about this.

She seems ok with her circumstances. She is very wise about people's personalities and motivations, and seems quite forgiving and understanding while being no doormat. She doesn't seem frightened of noticing and challenging bad behaviour. Occasionally, though, I'll observe something that makes me think she wishes things were different, and that breaks my heart. It is true that I watch for those signs like a hawk, so I may be too ready to see them.

I really like what you say in your second paragraph, especially about deciding what I care more about. It's made me realise that, if I have to choose, what I want most for her is not just to be universally loved (which would be a lovely fantasy), but to be able to handle her reality, and the inevitable reversals life brings, with the resilience and perspective I seem to lack. I try to role model this to her in our conversations and I feel like a fake and a fraud, because inside I'm dying and all I want to do is cry, but I keep on faking!

Thank you again, your comments have really helped.

Ooh yes I hear you. I wonder if it's less that you are 'faking it' and more that you wish that these were ways that you could have acted when you were younger or advice you wish you had been given. Go easy on yourself. I think therapy could help you to unlock this area and empower your daughter and yourself to be whoever she wants to be. You sound like a braving and loving mother to even be thinking about this stuff. That in itself makes you an amazing role model in my book.

Thank you. That's very kind of you. you'll definitely going to look at counselling, very focused on this specifically.

*I'm definitely, not you'll

Great, good luck! Also Brene Brown is very clear about the difference between fitting in and belonging so it might be helpful to look up her work. I really like her.

A lot of deep insights have already been shared on this thread- does sound like a painful and unresolved part of you is showing up in this reaction to your daughters friendships. sSo I ll just add on that don't forget - a big part of growing up can involve exploring and moving on from friendships. When we re rejected we learn about ourselves - teaches us how to behave sometimes. Also when we re in a rubbish friendship it's good to learn to let it go ! People come and go I life ? These valuable lesson of experience we all go through at times - thats going to part of your daughters ( and every other kids and your ) journey too ! My daughter has been through several friendship groups already - a teacher friend of mine commented how she sees this all the time - it's a really big and necessary part of the school journey! I just listen to my daughters woes/ tears and giggles / successes and offer up my opinion- but am often reminded it's her life not mine so it's not for me to live it for her, just support her. End of the day - your daughter had got a mum that cares / is present and that's gold.

Please follow up on counselling specifically about dd and how you parent, and how anxious you are, because this is not normal, not ok.

I love Brene Brown and I've now looked up that quote, thank you coffeeisbest. I've got it ready to share, if it's ever needed.

Thank you also YogaRebel and Oblomov21. It seems very hard, not to say impossible, for me to fully grasp that my daughter's life is her own and not mine to live. I know intellectually that the off-the-scale anxiety I feel about her being rejected is definitely not normal, and most likely the result of projection and unresolved trauma. But I can't seem to manage the intensity of the feelings. Such unbearable pain - like torture, really. I will definitely start making some calls tomorrow.

That's great you re gonna make some calls ! Once you work out why you feel all this - and how to get past it, that can only be a good thing. I hope you find your answers x

Thank you very much. XXXX