First of all, I just want to start off by saying all this stuff below is an accumulation of things/ thoughts that I’ve been thinking/ wondering for a while.
I know that this can’t be normal. I suppose it would feel nice if someone could relate or sympathise or tell me it does get better? You’ve had help/ This strategy works etc.
I was diagnosed with a life limiting illness around 3 years ago, the illness can be mild in general but mine has become increasingly severe and has led to ICU visits, regular hospital inpatient stays and has generally turned my world upside down (I am receiving specialist care for this…ultimately this illness can never be “fixed” but they hope in time that it’ll become more manageable long term!)
I find that I’m just surviving day to day, not thriving not living. I have children and they bring me so much joy, and believe me they don’t go without! They are happy, healthy and there are no concerns/ safeguarding. They are my world and will always be so.
However, I don’t treat myself the same way. I have an awful relationship with food- I binge eat regularly and get a “thrill” from sneaking food or eating lots when the children are at school/ college.
I decide daily that I’ll read the Binge Eating book I’ve bought and have in my bedside draw. But I read a few pages, get overwhelmed and stop reading. I know it’s something I have to work on but I’m too embarrassed to to tell anyone irl. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been which has also impacted on the illness I have (some of the weight gain is medication) but mostly it’s from years of binge eating.
I hate showering or having a bath. I hate the thought and effort it takes to do it. I try desperately hard to remember the feeling after when my hair is washed and clean, and how lovely my body feels/ smells after. Yet I just feel to exhausted/ overwhelmed to do it. So I use wet wipes and promise myself tomorrow I’ll do it.
I take lots of medications daily to keep myself “stable” as I can be. Yet some days I stare at my tablets and feel exhausted/ overwhelmed and feel like “I can’t be bothered” and I tell myself one day/ night won’t make a bit of difference. And then I skip them the next night. By the third night I panic generally and take them and promise myself I won’t do it again. Of course I do end up doing it.
I know I don’t want to deteriorate and end up for weeks in hospital for myself and my children, yet why do I do this to myself?
I am scared to tell people in real life how I’m feeling as they will think I’m crazy.
Also as to not drip feed. I’m on 200mg of Setraline and an anti anxiety medicine.
I just want to know that if people have been through anything remotely similar, how they’ve built coping strategies. How do I even try and articulate this crazy thoughts into something articulate?
I feel very alone, on the outside I look like I’m coping well but on the inside there’s so much bubbling in side.
I’m not having any intrusive thoughts or anything like this, so please don’t worry. More a desperation of I know this behaviour isn’t right. So what do I do?
TIA.