It's not "normal" to feel like this is it...like dying is a good thing as life is too tough and im tired

[malificent7]

I am not suicidal but I am tired. I'm only 43 but I really struggle with anxiety and subsequently holding down a job.
I got a 1st for my degree but the workplace fucks my self confidence. I got laid off my 1st role due to performance issues.
I have a new job lined up and i dont want to ruin it.
I would enjoy my life if it wasn't for work and the bullying/being told im crap etc. Spending the next 25 years working is my idea of hell but i need money.
So i dont want to die now but i would not be devastated if i didbt have to wake up tomorrow. Dd and dp would though and they are my life so i would never do anything.
How can i enjoy the next 25 years of work when i struggle to keep a job?
Im on 25mg citralopran.

What industry do you working?

My SIL spent 9 years getting her PhD (stops and starts due to having children) spent 2 years in her field and realised she hated it, wasn't very good at it and it made her miserable.
She retrained as a florist and is the happiest I have seen her in a long time.
Is the industry you work in right for you?

PP makes a good point, could it be that it just isn't the industry for you?

Also, is your AD dose high enough? I'd be speaking to the GP tbh, I was on 40mg when I felt like you do now. Sending love, life is tough sometimes

I was a teacher, retrained to do healthcare...just as stressful. Im very arty and cant stop thinking about it.

I was a teacher, retrained to do healthcare...just as stressful. Im very arty and cant stop thinking about it

Honestly OP if your proffession is making you so miserable you don't think life is worth living then find a new proffession!

If you were a teacher could you not do 1:1 tutoring while you find a role that doesn't make you miserable?

It sounds like you're dreading your new job and thinking about dying might be like a bit of a fantasy where you don't have to go through starting your new job. I would say just give it some time as you might love it. If you don't then perhaps look at changing careers. You're not destined to be unhappy for the next 25 years of work.

You need to find a job suited to your temperament. You are clearly intelligent and capable. If you are prone to anxiety, a hands on healthcare job probably isn’t the field for you.

I am also someone who is more artistic and if I could make a good living doing that I would, but I like a steady paycheck. I am also, anxiety prone, smart and capable. I also love math so I went into a more academic field. I work in a team, but the work is also very solitary and focused. Basically, I found something that works really well for me as a person.

You have credentials. You just need to find a way to use them in a job you won’t hate. Could you be a research assistant on a medical research team, helping analyze surveys or enroll study participants? What about working in a lab instead of with people? Educational textbook company? Your background in education and healthcare could be useful.

Id love to do research...i did well for my dissertation...something i was very proud of. Sorry to boast but im trying to keep happy by reminding myself that im not shit....in every job ive ever had the feedback has been that im a bit shite...apart from my final placement.