I think I’m at breaking point

[elenacampana]

I was admitted to hospital on Tuesday morning as my labour had begun. I started with a temp and my baby’s heartbeat was raised so the decision was made to do an emergency c-section, absolutely lovely baby girl born at 1:46 Weds.

I was put into the high dependency unit at the hospital for all of Weds and they started both me and my girl on antibiotics. We were told this would need to be intravenous and would take 5 days. Later on on the Weds, the paediatricians said they needed to do a lumbar puncture on baby to try and trace infection. Baby starts refusing her bottle on Weds, no one can get her to feed and we’re moved to a special care ward with assisted feeding, she needed a tube up her nose for her milk.

Thursday morning, I was told she was being treated for suspected meningitis and I fell to bits. After a while I calmed down and realised they were just covering all bases and there’s a big difference between suspected and confirmed. Baby put on some additional antibiotics and I’m told this means another 5 days minimum from Thurs night in hospital. Okidokes.

Around Friday/Saturday I started to struggle with hospital stay. I can’t get comfortable at all, my back aches the whole time I’m on the bed whatever position I’m in so I don’t sleep. My c-section recovery is taking it out of me and just changing the baby’s nappy leaves me shattered because I have to stand for a little while. I’m also on a ward that’s noisy and hard to feel at peace in, although it’s the best place to be, women making phone calls at 2am isn’t great.

The only thing that’s been keeping me sane is that my husband has been able to come in 3 hours every afternoon. I look forward to seeing him all day and this isn’t where the next thing comes in… I’m at Liverpool Women’s, which is currently locked down so he probably can’t come in for Monday visiting. Then the added ingredient that I heard that car explode from a hospital I can’t leave, that’s got my brand new baby girl in it.

I don’t know when I can leave the hospital, I’ve been told by the end of the week, but after the events of today, I feel desperate to be at home or I’d love nothing more than to know when a strong possibility for a discharge date is.

I’m really struggling in my head. I miss my parents more than I can say and I want to show my daughter to them. I’m desperate to be in my own home too and start life as a family with my husband and our girl.

It all feels like way too much now. I think the events of today have pushed me over the edge into a really sad place.

The good news is that the baby is improving and she hasn’t needed the feeding tube for nearly 48 hours so that feels like a big milestone. Her infection markers are really coming down now too and the hospital are happy with them. It’s just that her white blood cells spiked a bit so we don’t know how long the second lot of antibiotics need to be run for.

I’d be so grateful if anyone could cheer me up or offer some encouragement. I just can’t stop the tears and feel overwhelmed.

Bloody hell, you have been through it! You seem to be in the home straight now! Keep the fact that the worst is behind you and try and get as much rest as you can. Hugs to you, congratulations on your daughter.

I'm glad your baby girl is improving. I'm sure it won't be long till your husband can come take you both home. I can only imagine the added impact events outside have had. Sleep deprivation, post partum hormones, c section recovery, no shame in feeling overwhelmed. Xxx

@Yarboosucks

Thanks for answering me. It makes me feel better just to hear that yes I have been through it! And you’re right about the home straight, we’re nearly there now :-)

@CircusMistress

Thank you :-) so much going on, it means a lot you answered me.

Oh you poor thing. What a horrendous start you’ve had to your little girls life .

I don’t have experience of NICU etc so not sure what the protocol is there re letting you go home, but try to see the positive - with nobody coming in and security checks on high alert the hospital is the safest place to be right now. From the report I read it sounded like the hospital wasn’t actually a target, the taxi driver pulled in there when it became apparent that his passenger was up to no good. Given the timing it seems more likely that the Remembrance Day ceremony was the intended target.

However, I know on top of everything else it’s just too much to deal with. Can you at least get some ear plugs so that you can get a bit of sleep?

Oh and huge Congratulations on your baby, you’ll both be home soon

Glad to he here to answer! You are at the generally overwhelming stage, it gets us all! But it will pass and soon you will be home with your little girl, your partner and cooing parents. Remember that you have surgery and that there are some benefits to being in hospital with loads of expert help around you. But right now you should be asleep, as should I!

Oh my goodness - you have been through the ringer. You must be physically and emotionally exhausted. But amazing, wonderful news that your sweet baby as pulled through and is ok. This time is going to be behind you very quickly and you will be home. Have you ever heard of deep breathing for stress? Apparently a huge help and worth having a quick search online.

Sending you strength and prayers.

Oh gosh that sounds really difficult - but it’s great the baby is now improving and I’m sure you’ll be home with your husband soon. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way

Keep talking on here if you want to pass the time - there’s always someone around.

O how awful for you both. Just keep reminding yourself that you can do this. You have already both survived so much. You need to carry on for your daughter and just think of the end goal of being home as a family.
I had an awful start when my daughter was born too, I developed postnatal anxiety because of it.
So make sure you look after yourself and ask for help when you need it.
People often say the most important thing is that your baby is fine but your mental health is important too.
I hope your both home soon

OP I can sympathise - I was in your situation in almost identical circumstances 18 months ago - the EMCS birth, the suspected meningitis, the no visitors (in the first lockdown DH wasn’t allowed in). I was there for two weeks with DS. It was HARD. I can’t imagine what it must be like hearing that car, though.
I did find myself counting down the days to go home but did come round to looking at the positives. I had advice from midwives every time I needed it - they answered every question I had so I felt much calmer about taking DS home and felt better equipped as a result. Also, being in hospital means far less movement than you would be doing at hone so your wound will likely heal better. That’s what I found. I did cry at least three times a day though. It was very overwhelming.
I’m so glad your DD’s infection markers are on the way down. And fingers crossed you can go home soon.

Thanks so much everyone. Things feel a little less impossible this morning :-). I’m still desperate to get home, but the comment above about being on the home straight hit home with me and lifted a lot of the heaviness I’ve been feeling about when we’ll be able to be discharged.

You’ve all been so kind to talk to me.

@0hMy - I had the same thoughts about my confidence with the baby. I do feel like I’ll be going home feeling confident about how to care for my daughter and that it’s been good to learn from professionals as I think learning from people closer to me could have made me feel judged. I think I’ll be more confident about batting off unsolicited advice. The staff here have been amazing, I couldn’t fault them. They never seem to get fed up with teary new mums like me who still want their own mums.

We’re still at the hospital and have thankfully been put into a side room since last night, which has really helped. Yesterday was beyond difficult in my head as we’d been told to expect to go home on 17th. The consultant microbiologist hadn’t been consulted about this though and he doesn’t want us to go until 20th Nov. I found this very difficult and it led to a terrible day.

I felt as though I’ll never be able to leave here. The women on the ward I was on also didn’t stop complaining all day and night long. By 11:30 I felt like I was suffocating and would never ever get back to my husband and our life and just be trapped in a room with women I don’t know who never stop complaining about and saying the same things over and over again. Then I think about Sunday and what happened and how trapped we are in what did feel like a lot safe and lovely hospital and now feels a bit like a prison.

I’m so desperate to be home that I’m convincing myself it’ll never happen or there will be another roadblock.

I was put into the high dependency unit at the hospital for all of Weds and they started both me and my girl on antibiotics. We were told this would need to be intravenous and would take 5 days. Later on on the Weds, the paediatricians said they needed to do a lumbar puncture on baby to try and trace infection. Baby starts refusing her bottle on Weds, no one can get her to feed and we’re moved to a special care ward with assisted feeding, she needed a tube up her nose for her milk.

Thursday morning, I was told she was being treated for suspected meningitis and I fell to bits. After a while I calmed down and realised they were just covering all bases and there’s a big difference between suspected and confirmed. Baby put on some additional antibiotics and I’m told this means another 5 days minimum *

This is exactly what happened to us when my DS was born. Once the feeding tube was out he improved greatly and is now a very chatty/energetic 3 year old. I know it's stressful but please try not to worry the doctors are doing what is best your DD.

Hopefully you get to go home soon and be a family.

@DarkChic

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m pretty sure she’s well now, but we have to stay until Saturday as a ‘to be on the safe side’ kind of thing. Not what I wanted to hear at all when we’d be told we could go on 17th, but coping better now we’re in a side room :-)

Thank goodness, hopefully you’ll get some sleep which will really help. Sleeping on a ward can be incredibly difficult.

Home straight now, o ky three sleeps to go

The finish line is in sight! Time to start planning your homecoming. Has your DP got everything set up at home? Does he know what food you want? Has he done the shopping? You have a couple of days to prepare and plan.

Considering the disruption at the hospital, it is understandable that there could be some delays. I expect that in actual fact the hospital is just as keen to get you out as you are to leave! Pretty soon you hospital stay will be nothing more than a memory. You will be busy at home, very busy! The hospital is not a prison, it is the place that took care of you and your baby when you both needed it most. Try to think about it in those terms and the final days of your stay will be more positive.

@Yarboosucks

My husband has stayed over with me tonight at the hospital (a support measure put in place by the midwives), but has spent all day busy at home with my mum, his mum and my nana. They’ve scrubbed the place, weeded the garden, put Sunday’s breakfast in the fridge and changed all the bedding so I’m going home to a perfect house.

I’ve no complaints at all about the hospital. Liverpool Women’s is a jewel in our city’s crown. Most of us have our babies here, many adults were born on the new site and the staff are nothing short of angels working all day and all night. I couldn’t be more grateful to them, they’re truly wonderful. My comment about prison was related to my having been given some home leave so I could go home for an hour. My drs and midwives approved this and security made me feel extremely uncomfortable about leaving the building - PALS agreed that this was wrong and took my complaint on board. You’d really have to have been here the last few days to understand, it’s been a very unique set of circumstances.

I don’t think this will become a distant memory if I’m honest, again you’d have to have been here. I have booked some counselling through the perinatal midwives and I’m hoping to work through all the different things that have come up over the last 11 days. I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life.

Happily though, my baby girl is doing beautifully and we just can’t wait to introduce her to her grandparents. They’re beside themselves with excitement so I’m focussing on our happy day tomorrow and will make sure I take care of the mental health side of things in the weeks and months to come :-)

I am so glad that you are going home to a lovely nest! Wel done to Do, mums and Nana!

I do hope that you don't think I was being harsh with you, that was not my intention. I was just trying to show the light at then end of the tunnel.

Wishing you a very happy homecoming and many years of joy with your daughter!

You’ve done so well to get through this!!

So glad you are both going home!

It sounds like a truly trying life experience. Glad you have so much support.

Thank you very much for all the support.

@Yarboosucks - not at all. I think what I said about prison probably looked dramatic so I wanted to give some context.

There are still some obstacles to clear with me but they can be dealt with by my community midwife/GP and shouldn’t be too much of an issue.

I can’t believe we’ll be discharged soon. The care we’ve had has really impressed my husband and I so we’re planning on fundraising next year. Tomorrow will be just about us though, we’ll get discharged and then head home so my lovely man can catch up on lost time with his baby girl and I can rest/catch up on Bakeoff/avoid nappies for a bit!

This has been quite the adventure, but I’ve had so much support that it’s shown the good so strongly - yourselves included x