Hitting myself

[Justforphotos]

Hi. I don’t know why I’m only asking about this today but today has felt a bad day. When I get stressed with the children I sometimes hit myself in the head several times. Something comes over me and I can’t help it. It’s when I’m frustrated that they aren’t listening or I can’t get through to them. Hitting myself has an effect on them as they stop and become chastened and I know they don’t like it. Every time I do it I feel horrific but then the next time I can’t stop it. Tonight it was when I was putting the baby to bed and the older 2 (7 and almost-9) were up with me and I kept saying “shh shh shh” as I was calming her down and they were fighting and shouting and I just lost it. I have never EVER laid a finger on any of them but I’m sure it’s hurting them to see me do it. I try so hard to parent them gently but with firm boundaries and to try to listen to them and work with their emotional needs, not much of which I felt was given to me as a child in fact there were regular beatings in my family when I was a child - we’re talking half-hour sessions with a cane. I am breaking that cycle but seem to be introducing a whole new one of transferring the physical aspects onto myself. Please any thoughts welcomed as to how I can get through this. My kids are in so many ways so very lovely but the interaction between the older 2 is often fraught with fighting. I also feel like I’m really not listened to in the household as in I say things and it’s literally not heard, conversations carry on. And I’m not some kind of surrendered wife - I have a very senior important job and am the highest household earner and yet I can’t keep a good atmosphere in my own house.

I think that’s a sign you’re really not coping emotionally with the demands on you and the impact on your children could be significant.

I think you need to get some help for yourself. Are you having counselling or taking medication?

Thanks for responding. No, neither. I have never sought help for anything mental health wise. This is something that has only happened since I had children. I found the last year hard as I had a 3rd baby at the height of the pandemic and the baby is an easy baby but the birth was hard (I wasn’t listened to in the hospital and ended up giving birth without a partner because of it). But that has made everything feel worse.

I do this too. No advice, just some solidarity here.

When I'm overwhelmed with my 14 month old I place myself somewhere he can't see me and hit myself on the head. It jolts me out of a bad headspace and forces me to try something different.

I suspect I need therapy to deal with lots of unresolved issues, and it worries me that it will affect my son. Maybe I'd start there?

Good luck and it sounds like you're trying your best with your children, you sound like a good mum

I do this too and have done for several years. No children. I hit myself on my head rather than cut my wrists etc as I know no one will be able to see it afterwards. I have managed to stop not for about 6 months as I had to see a neurosurgeon and a scan revealed I had permanently damaged my neck by doing it. Is there something else you can do? Like punch a pillow or scream into one? Agree you need to get help to fix the underlying issue, but please be careful with your head in the meantime, it's precious and not indestructible!

I'm so sorry for the beating you experienced in childhood. You are doing amazing to not continue that cycle with your own children, but attacking yourself as a substitute is not ok either. I think therapy could help you t process the past, and I also recommend pillow punching, screaming somewhere you can't be heard by your kids. I find it concerning how your children are reacting to witnessing you self harm so I think you need to address this quickly.

My father did this to himself, in front of us, when I was a child. It was very traumatic to see. It upsets me now, as a 52 year old, to remember.
He had serious mental health issues.
Please seek help.

I’m so so sorry for what was done to you as a child. You’ve developed a coping mechanism which is fantastic - in the sense that you are doing physically hurting your own children. Well done, you’ve broken that cycle.

However, as you know, what you are doing is dangerous for your mental and possibly physical health. And, as you are coming to realise, is probably harmful for your kids too. You say they don’t like it.

Does your partner know about this? What does/would he say?

You need quite urgent help. Who would you feel most comfortable talking to - telling them what you’ve told us here:
GP? Health Visitor? Family support worker at school? Parenting advice telephone line? Employee support line?

People will want to help you and your kids.

I’ve done this too OP when overwhelmed, I also bite my hand (bizarre I know, I’d be so embarrassed if anyone saw). I don’t want to do it in front of my children so walk off into another room if I’m feeling frustrated, I’m actually finding that the act of going into another room helps me to calm down in itself so I don’t hurt myself

It probably does warrant speaking with a professional though to break the habit, hope you’re able to get some good support

• • in the sense that you are definitely not physically hurting your own children

I’m sorry I hope my post didn’t have too many questions and didn’t sound too alarming. It’s brilliant that you have recognised the problem and are preparing to do something about it. Anyone who experienced parenting like you did would be affected by it: you obviously managed to cope until the experience of having children yourself. This process happens quite a lot and professionals will understand.

Hi everyone, sorry for not being back sooner, Christmas and a birthday got in the way. I also think one reason I didn’t come back sooner was that expressing things on the page helped me. Thank you for all your comments - you’ve made me realise that I really need to address this. I’m not sure who I would feel most comfortable talking to about this but I’ve got an employee assistance line and private healthcare at work which might be the quickest route. It has been very sobering to hear how some of you remain affected by seeing your parents do this. I have also been reflecting on how my mum didn’t cope well with parenting once we were beyond the relatively compliant baby stage and started having opinions and personalities of our own. It was hard for her - my dad died when we were teenagers and my younger sister was 9, and she found that very hard and she in particular didn’t know how to get us through it (my older sister and I were there when he died. These days there’d be all manner of therapy-related suggestions) - we got a book called “what to say when a parent dies” or something like that, and then it was just never really spoken of except when other people asked about things. One of the things I find hard about parenting is that it brings back all the stuff I felt so unhappy about when I was growing up, and I really want to do things differently. I feel my mum lost the “emotional” connection to me a long time ago in that we can never talk about any of those things - she will bend over backwards to provide practical help, more than we need, even when we say we’re ok, but there’s never any emotional support, and I really want my children to grow up knowing that we talk about how we feel. Someone asked about my partner - he knows it happens and obviously wants it to stop but although he’s a very reasonable person he doesn’t really get that it’s deep-seated and not a switch I can flick.

My husband is autistic and does this when he has a meltdown (really rare, couple of times a year).

It is so scary when it happens and I can't imagine being a small child watching a parent doing it - so yes, please try to understand and tackle it.

Given how difficult things have been, it wouldn't be the worst idea to try and get therapy for your children too.

Reading The Body Keeps the Score helped me to understand what was going on in my body when I used to get these urges, and recognising that I was feeling severe emotional pain, but that there is still a choice not to do it - before it had felt inevitable. It's working out how to cope with that emotional pain another way. It's pretty difficult to find a therapist that understands trauma and it's impacts on the body, I got help though a charity but not through the NHS. I also didn't want my own DC to be traumatised though my behaviour and that also helped me to stop.