I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, I think it’s just an anonymous way of pouring out everything I’m feeling.
I can’t think of anyone in my life who really can understand exactly how I feel and I certainly can’t afford counselling to process my feelings and understand myself. But I know what I’m looking for is some kind of validation that what I am feeling, what I went through and why I am the way I am now is real.
My back story is that I was with an emotionally nasty man for 15 years. I won’t go into detail of what he did but it has definitely affected my ability to trust and I think even connect with people the way I used to before he came into my life. I have three children with this man and I love them with my whole heart but I often wonder whether I would be a better mum to them if I hadn’t endured the years of emotion turmoil I had with their dad. It’s almost as if I’m distracted a lot of the time and don’t quite feel like I’m good enough.
I have definitely got stronger since I eventually gained enough courage to leave him. I have tried to turn my life around. I got the house, remortgaged on my own, threw myself into full time work which I love and am now looking at redirecting my career and undertaking a degree next year which will give me and my family so many great prospects for the future. I am good at thinking with my head now but I have lost the ability to let my heart decide once in a while. I’ve been with a wonderful new man for a few years now and he is truly perfect. He treats me and my kids so well and offers me so much stability too. We hardly ever row, he never says anything that makes me insecure and I trust him 100%. I am very happy with my life with him in it but I have this feeling that the hurt I had in the past has affected my ability to feel the intense love I should towards him. It’s like I have this armour that no one can get through. Is that normal? Should I still be feeling this guarded? Things are definitely looking up for us all but I still have this hollow feeling like I’m not over the emotion abuse my ex put me through.
Every now and then there are triggers which catch me off guard and it throws up a whole load of new feelings so raw they make my heart pound and I can’t help but cry. I’m not really sure why I’m posting but I seem to be on this search for validation that I can never find.
Is there anyone else who has felt this way? Can you ever recover? If so, how?