Not feeling impressed with therapists?

[JollyJoon]

Looking to get some psychotherapy and I'm wondering whether I'm just still hung up on my old one, who was amazing, so insightful. That was four years ago though and I've discovered shes now retired.

So so far I've met with two psychotherapists (all.with the right qualifications, experience, etc) and it's just... I'm trying to be objective here but I didnt like either of them, and they both annoyed me in different ways.

I'm trying to figure out: did I just love my old therapist so much that I'm being close minded? Or are a lot of therapists just not great? Is it normal to still be "looking"? Both times I just came out feeling really underwhelmed. I have a second session booked for the second one I saw and reckoned I would just go to make sure.

If.you are in therapy, how many therapists did you see before you picked one to work with? I'm a bit disconcerted as with my old one, she was the first and only one I saw.

it's got to be a relationship where you trust someone and feel comfortable with someone - I wish I'd known that in my 20s when I ended up seeing someone who did quite a lot of harm.

Be open and keep trying - good luck with finding the right person to work with.

Totally normal to shop around, as it were - it's a relationship, albeit one with a particular purpose, so there has to be good vibes between you both for it to work.

Maybe you are being a bit closed off because you miss your old therapist, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't keep looking anyway - it's so important that you feel comfortable with them.

It might also be useful to remember that the therapeutic relationship is built over time, too - a first session is very different to one you'd have months or even years down the line, and feeling comfortable and open is something that can develop (although, of course, don't stick with a therapist you just plain don't like from the off!).

Assuming you're paying privately, as the NHS makes it very bloody difficult to switch (as I found out when one therapist said in my first session, "God, what will I do with you" and then told me to stop crying... amazing). So you're in control here - don't spend a big chunk of money on sessions with someone you're not happy with, and see the shopping around as a time investment in finding someone who's going to help you get the best possible outcome. I know it's a little frustrating initially - you just want to get stuck in - but it'll be worth it.

I'd also add, don't feel bad about switching after one session. It may be a business for them, but I'd bet no therapist wants to work with someone who feels closed off or not comfortable with them - it's not going to lead to good outcomes or job satisfaction for them, either!

Tried loads, thought mist of them bar 1 were rubbish in different ways! The most qualified one was the worst.

I had one for ages who was completely useless. I realised in the end that she was just not at all bright. She made some really terrible suggestions which would have totally fucked up my life if I'd followed them, on the rare occasions when she actually said something rather than just smiling patronisingly.
I tried to find a better one - saw one for one session who later went on to carry out a really nasty murder.

Very interesting to read about your experiences and thank you @scarpa for such a thoughtful post.

I'm wondering if it's to do with the style of therapy or the actual therapists. The first was heavily into CBT and just gave me sheets to work on. I kind of thought...I could find/do those myself?

The second was truly annoying, she kept writing notes and then interrupted me to ask me to give the names of my family members as she liked to make a note of them which for some reason felt both annoying and intrusive to me 😂 So I had to continue talking, going like "so then my sister, Jane, told my mum, Sophie, that....". My heart also dropped when she said that she likes to focus on positive thinking and draws on buddhist ideas. First of all, call me negative, but I'm not interested in positive thinking! I need to rewire my brain and change my mechanisms, not think positive. And as for the buddhist ideas...I just have a knee jerk reaction against it.

It just didnt feel very involved but then my first therapist was gestalt. There was something engaged and physical about it that I enjoyed and found enriching

@34Blueskies
Christ that is awful! 😱

One therapist I contacted in the unsuccessful search for a good one said that a condition of her being my (high-charging) therapist was that I agreed to her videoing all the sessions so that she could use the videos to train other therapists (another well paid job of hers). She seemed surprised to learn that I preferred to have a bit of privacy.
Honestly - I wouldn't bother. Wish I hadn't.

@34Blueskies

I had one for ages who was completely useless. I realised in the end that she was just not at all bright. She made some really terrible suggestions which would have totally fucked up my life if I'd followed them, on the rare occasions when she actually said something rather than just smiling patronisingly. I tried to find a better one - saw one for one session who later went on to carry out a really nasty murder.

😳

@JollyJoon

Very interesting to read about your experiences and thank you *@scarpa* for such a thoughtful post.

I'm wondering if it's to do with the style of therapy or the actual therapists. The first was heavily into CBT and just gave me sheets to work on. I kind of thought...I could find/do those myself?

The second was truly annoying, she kept writing notes and then interrupted me to ask me to give the names of my family members as she liked to make a note of them which for some reason felt both annoying and intrusive to me 😂 So I had to continue talking, going like "so then my sister, Jane, told my mum, Sophie, that....". My heart also dropped when she said that she likes to focus on positive thinking and draws on buddhist ideas. First of all, call me negative, but I'm not interested in positive thinking! I need to rewire my brain and change my mechanisms, not think positive. And as for the buddhist ideas...I just have a knee jerk reaction against it.

It just didnt feel very involved but then my first therapist was gestalt. There was something engaged and physical about it that I enjoyed and found enriching

@34Blueskies
Christ that is awful! 😱

You sound like you know exactly what kind of therapist you want which is excellent - can you maybe do preliminary phone calls with a few and be completely honest about what you've not liked about others/what you did like about gestalt therapy?

You can search the term 'gestalt' on the BACP website too, which might help narrow it down for you a bit if you know that style is helpful for you.

(I hated CBT - it was basically being told "You are doing X negative thought pattern. Have you considered maybe that's not right and trying to think differently?".

I think (a very armchair psychology take here!) that if you're someone who's VERY self-aware, has been through therapy before, and reasonably knowledgeable about mental health/negative thought patterns, CBT isn't much use!)

@34Blueskies

One therapist I contacted in the unsuccessful search for a good one said that a condition of her being my (high-charging) therapist was that I agreed to her videoing all the sessions so that she could use the videos to train other therapists (another well paid job of hers). She seemed surprised to learn that I preferred to have a bit of privacy. Honestly - I wouldn't bother. Wish I hadn't.

God blueskies you've had some awful luck with therapists, I'm sorry! There are some excellent ones out there but unfortunately there are some really shit ones as well - which you'd expect in any profession, but where they're meeting people at potentially quite sensitive points of their life it's especially bad to have had an awful one.

As I said upthread, I had one session with an NHS therapist who made me feel absolutely beyond help - at one point during the session I asked if she could help with a particular aspect of the larger thing I was struggling with, and she said "To be honest, I wouldn't even know where to start with you". I was okay, but if I'd been in a worse place that could have been very hard (or even harmful) to hear.

One problem is that some therapists use a method where they say almost nothing. That tends to make the "patient" (nice term) assume that the therapist is some wise old owl of a person. Whereas in fact they may be the opposite, as in my case. Perhaps this method is for this reason more likely to be used by poor therapists?

It is hard to find the right therapist. It's almost like dating. I would trust your gut instinct - you will know if you find someone you feel comfortable talking to. In my experience it really is the person that matters - yes they need to be qualified but qualifications don't mean that they are the right person for you. Good luck.

You don’t have to like you’re therapist. In fact it’s often more helpful if you don’t.

I agree, choose someone who you react to. You are having that reaction for a reason. Stay and find out. You do not need to like them.

@coffeeisthebest

I agree, choose someone who you react to. You are having that reaction for a reason. Stay and find out. You do not need to like them.

I agree if it's that you don't like them prompting you on certain issues, etc - in that they're pushing buttons you might not have realised you needed pushing.

But I had therapy with someone last year who was just... annoying to me, in how she was as a person. She was head-tilty and simpery and kept saying "Oh deaaaar" - she reminded me of a TV stereotype of a nice, slightly dithery mum.

An absolutely lovely woman I'm sure, and she would be perfect for some people, but she's someone I'd find a bit annoying in non-therapy life. And in my (extensive, haha) experience, I respond best to someone who's quite blunt and straightforward. I spent every one of the 5 sessions I had with her feeling annoyed by her and I didn't really get much out of it because it distracted me - I'd have been better listening to my gut after the first session and calling it then.

I have had one therapist and I love her - as in what she does for me, every single session I've had a realization, I feel like I've off loaded and I come away knowing what k need to do to help myself.

Others I have spoken to on the other hand don't feel this way about therapy they've had

My partner hated his sessions ten years ago - said he felt like he was talking to himself and was a waste of money.

Two friends go to couples therapy and honestly they come out and argue even more and they definitely feel the therapist is only on one of their side.

I have to say- tell you've mentioned it here- maybe I'm one of the few lucky ones??

I’m on my second therapist and she’s great. She makes me see things in a way I wouldn’t have considered. My first session with the last therapist ended with me telling them they were making me really uncomfortable and then replying that my reaction was really strange. I think it’s important to gel with them enough to feel comfortable talking openly. We all know it’s not cheap either so it’s such a waste if it’s not helping.

I tried two other therapists before I found the one I worked with for almost 4 years. I ended therapy with him almost 8 months ago after it felt like we were going in circles.

I also feel like I should go back but haven't found anyone I click with either. Keep looking though.