Secret sadness - trigger warning

[38woman]

Please bear with me this is a first-time post. I am not a mum but I love reading the threads as they have such good advice on so many things.
I am 38 and during lockdown in which I was extremely ill and emotional (as I know so many others were), I read an article about long term effects of a blow to the head. In layman’s terms it sent me under…I was highly anxious, hysterically crying, drinking far too much and even affected my work (which I love and value).
In short, and its taken a long time to admit this, my father was very physically abusive from around the age of 4. The verbal abuse was arguably worse, threats to batter me/bounce me/smash my face in. I was called every name under the sun, a favourite was “you’re a waste of space”. Another one he used to say was “one of these days rounding his fist….” And then leave that hanging. I was a slag, a bitch, didn’t know I was born, ignorant, insolent, waste of time, prat…it goes on.
We lived in nice houses, my sister and I went to good schools, we went to church, we looked and we were told looked, a happy family. But behind the scenes it was beyond unhealthy.
My mum was frightened, but for herself. I could tell she was relieved he targeted me and left her alone.
On about low double figures of occasions from age 4-11 he hit me – one hard blow with the back of his hand which hurt beyond description. Knuckles on skull to give you an idea. I learnt to lay down afterwards until the spinning stopped. Age 4 he knocked me into a door handle, it was plastered up and apparently my father was genuinely shocked and threw up afterwards. Over the years he descended into fairly unbelievable alcoholism. By the time I was 17 he was just relentless – only civil when he needed money (I never made the link, how stupid of me).
Basically there were two episodes at age 17 when he hit me on the head but it was far too hard – I could barely see afterwards, I just remember thinking (‘too hard’) before I had to lie down. I gathered myself after a couple of hours though the shock was there for days. The second time, he was blackout drunk while we were queuing in the kitchen for our tea. I looked at him wrong, got three blows to the head, my hair pulled for extended time and some kicks I think. My sister for once took action and was trying to pull him off me, he was hysterically screaming that I never learned to shut up (I could be silent for days). Mum just kept asking us to get our tea. She then served him his tea and he passed out and slept for two days. I asked her for the first time the next day “how could you just stand there?” She at the very least looked ashamed, came out with some shit like “I just wanted you all to get your tea”. Shortly afterwards we moved out, she found out he wasn’t paying the mortgage (he managed to hit me again before we moved – not as hard but laughed afterwards when I said it was for the last time).
I could go on but wanted to say/ask in short;
• On something unrelated in my early 30s I took a fall and banged my head – knocked out - had a scan at hospital of my head, told nothing wrong, no damage – this gives me so much comfort
• I am considered intelligent, if somewhat of a daydreamer but constantly panic I have a bad memory
• Aside from a trip to hospital when his temper cost me the tip of my thumb (ripping a door open when I was taking the latch off) I managed to come round pretty quick and never had bruises, bloodshot eyes etc. I genuinely don’t think I have been concussed.
• He once came towards me as I had made my sister cry, I flinched and for once he backed off (I clocked then that hit me as I always looked so disgusted with him – not afraid). He just called me a bitch and left the room. He was spitting with anger saying it.
• How can I get rid of these constant flashbacks of the last two attacks? Its constant and I get headaches which I think these memories cause. The two things I can’t come to terms with is how could he hit me so hard and not think there might not be consequences? E.g. knocking me out. How could no one not ask if I was ok afterwards? Did I not deserve that at least?
• I tried counselling it made zero difference. Though I am giving up drinking which I feel makes it all so much worse. When my body feels healthy my mind feels a bit better.
• Also – even if you believe it – I beg you to not suggest I may have long term memory problems/dementia in the future as a result of all this – even if true I cannot bare to hear it.
• I guess I just needed to tell someone for the first time. Thank you for reading and I apologise for the length of this post.

I am so sorry for the terrible things that happened to you, and you are very brave to talk about them. I hope you get some good advice on here, I don't have much I'm afraid but I wanted you to know you have been heard and believed. Your story resonated with me as I'm the same age as you and am from a churchgoing family etc, my mum was the one who was violent but on nothing like the same scale that you suffered. You are incredible to have done so well in life despite the physical and emotional damage that was inflicted on you. You did not deserve it, and you were let down by those around you, in particular your mum, who did nothing to protect you and stand up for you. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry that counselling didn't work for you, but I would say don't write it off. I think you need specialist counselling from someone who understands trauma and PTSD (I'm not saying this is what you have but it wouldn't be surprising given what you went through) I hope others will be along to give more specific advice soon, and I just wanted to say you'll be in my thoughts, your story has touched me deeply.

I'm sorry that counselling didn't work for you, but I would say don't write it off. I think you need specialist counselling from someone who understands trauma and PTSD (I'm not saying this is what you have but it wouldn't be surprising given what you went through)

I don’t know much about it but I really agree with this.

I'm so sorry for what you went through as a child. You needed protection and care and it clearly wasn't there. I would also stay open minded to counselling if you can and also bear in mind it may need long term therapy as your wounds sound understandably deep. I have no concerns about your memory, you have remembered events very clearly for us here, the one thing that struck me is your anxiety about your memory and I wonder how much that is connected to the emotional abuse you received and your own sense of worth. None of us have perfect memories, we are bombarded with data every day and our brains hold what they can and discard the rest. Do you like to read? I would suggest reading work by Gabor Mate, Alice Miller or 'The body holds the score' by someone whose name currently escapes me! Many people write about the damaging effects of childhood trauma. I read your post like you are in a position to face yours. Good luck.

Thank you so much for your replies, I didn't expect any and you have given me a lot to think about. I love reading so will have a good root online for your suggestions. I will also rethink about counselling too, perhaps I wrote it off too quickly.

Considering my background I think I present as "normal" and from a "normal" childhood - please forgive me using that term. What I mean is my friends and boyfriend haven't a clue about any of this. It makes me wonder how many of us are walking round with a secret pain about something? Its so sad. Many thanks again x

I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry you didn't feel the counselling helped. I'd urge you not to give up so quickly though. It can take several tries to find the right fit. You sound like you need support from someone who understands trauma/PTSD. Good luck!

I hope this doesn’t need saying, but I just want to reassure you that what you describe here is not normal in any way. No child deserves to go through what you did.

It’s not uncommon for survivors of child abuse to try to normalise the behaviour they experienced (e.g. think that it wasn’t that bad, that there must be some logic behind the abuser’s actions, that others probably faced the same if not worse etc etc). Being able to see the situation more clearly is the first step in getting better. You can do that with the help of a counsellor, by sharing what you went through with friends or, if any of that is too much, just writing about your experience can help too in processing the trauma.

What helped me in the end sounds incredibly simple, but took many years. I stopped trying to make sense of why my parents did the things they did. Every time I started thinking about why things happened, I shifted my focus to reassuring myself that it had nothing to do with who I was, or what I did or didn’t do. I was a child. I deserved to be loved and cared for.

I also cut contact with them because, while I am now able to accept that they are flawed human beings, that doesn’t mean I want to hang out with them.

I’m wishing you lots of strength OP. I don’t think it’s possible to ever fully escape the impact of an abusive childhood, but it is possible to make peace with it and move forward. Just keep reassuring yourself that the future will be better than the past.

How many of us have childhood pain or trauma? Probably most of us. It doesn't make it ok and it does mean we need to take responsibility for our own emotional wounds otherwise we are walking round bleeding them on everyone unknowingly. Your childhood wasn't normal. However you are presenting now I can see that you are comfortable with but you are going to need to learn to lean in to the truth of your past.

I want to tell you that you're not alone having gone through this (if it weren't for the alcohol part, I would think you were one of my sisters). One thing I can say is that the right psychotherapist makes all the difference, I saw a few and then met the right one which was a great help.

Thank you again, you all have helped so much - and yes writing this all down yesterday helped me feel a little more peaceful for the first time in a long time. Your responses have been wonderful - and I am sorry for you suffering too.

I just wished to add two more things if you forgive me for this? When I made my sister cry (teenage stuff) and I was flinching from dad, all I could hear was mum soothing her. One time my dad not long before we moved (I was 18 by then) hit my mum and was grabbing her - I got him out the house and then called the police, who calmed her down and took a report. It makes me feel worthless, and I don't use the word lightly, that I got a wall of silence whenever I got hurt. Every time. It was just the thing we never spoke of. I think this is why it took so long to take what happened seriously and see myself as a victim and not wonder what I did to cause it.

Its remiss of me, I should add how sorry I am for you who have replied who have suffered too growing up (or any time). The time you have taken to write to me means so much.

I couldn't read this without saying to you YES you deserved better. You were a child/young adult. You deserved to have the adults in your life take care of you and love you. And they didn't. But this has no reflection AT ALL on your worth as a person. Only on them.

I had an emotionally abusive father and didn't manage to break free from it all until my early 30's. I've had a lot of counselling over the years and although I wouldn't say it was 'fixed' as such, it has really helped me to accept and understand what I've said above - that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't do anything to cause it, that there is just no way to make sense of it, only the hard (but so worthwhile) work with the therapist(s) to process it and accept that it happened and wasn't my fault - and how it's a formative part of who I am and how I see the world. I can honestly say that although I feel sad about it sometimes, it doesn't have such terrible power over me any more. It took years in therapy though, and I took breaks from therapy over the years when it all got too much.

All of which is a very long winded way of saying please don't discount therapy, it's not a quick fix but it could help so much with the terrible wounds inflicted on you by the people who should have been doing their utmost to protect and love you. Be proud of yourself - I'm proud of you and will be thinking about you.

Is he still alive? My friend’s abusive Dad was and she invited him round and then really laid into him verbally calling him everything under the son and then ended it by saying the only thing she’ll ever do for him is piss on his grave. She then cut him off and apparently it was incredibly cathartic. But obvs can’t do that if he’s dead.

I suggest cbt as it can help with the day dreaming - I was a bit like that in the early days after leaving home. It was a sign of anxiety and talking about how I was feeling and mindfulness really helped. Not saying it’s a cure - anxiety has a habit of returning but cbt can give you the tools needed to control it.

Thanks again all, every one of you. I will print all of this off and keep forever to read back, its helping immeasurably.

I can confirm dad died about three years later of liver disease. He invited me to his flat one day - it turned out he needed money. Its wierd how I was still always taken by surprise by this. It was pleasant enough, he clearly had the wind taken out of his sails us leaving. He just mentioned as I was leaving that he missed us. I just said quietly "the way you spoke to us, just because you could....". He looked mortified and I take comfort from that. I still never mentioned the hitting, it was still the dirty family secret. Mum died a few years ago, I think these feeling escalated from there. She was in denial to the end about any of it describing dad as a perfect. Baffling.

That's horrendous. Poor you
I too think counselling with a trauma specialist would help. If you read, "the body keeps the score" might help you feel less alone and have tips for what you can do (its a bit traumatic to read though)

Sorry to hear about what you went through OP. It sounds awful.

how many of us are walking round with a secret pain about something?

Probably a fair few. I know I am. Like you, nobody knows or would guess it about me. I can't tell anyone.

If you can talk to a professional I think you should give it another try.

@closedown I am totally new here but I cannot tell you what it felt to have people take time to write to me yesterday. It was years and years coming to even open that door. The advice has been wonderful. Thank you for your reply too. If you feel you can do the same I urge you but only in your own time of course x

You are not worthless. You deserved to have someone keep you safe. It was always wrong, that he hurt you like that. It was always wrong that nobody helped you. You were only a little girl and no one should ever have hurt you or neglected you.

I'm so proud of you for recognising the abuse and for telling us. That's incredibly brave.