Sources of help for families supporting historical sexual abuse victims

[BlueHotel]

I have name changed for this because I'm asking for a friend and don't want her to be identified through me.

Her middle-aged son has just told her that he was sexually abused as a child by another child in the extended family and also by an older foster child (girl) in the household. He is worried that something might also have happened to his two siblings.

He is asking why she allowed this to happen. Not angrily, just as a child would ask. She is distraught of course and blames herself. His revelation explains a lot about things that have happened in the past.

She is doing all the right things for him - listening, supporting, not pushing him to talk any more (which he doesn't want to do). And obviously he needs support himself when he is ready to ask for it. But I am concerned about her. She has me - and we have supported each other through some pretty bad stuff over the years - but she can't talk to anybody in the family. Does anyone have any advice or information where she could get some professional support - something like Al-Anon, who support families of alcoholics.

I don't know who to suggest apart from speaking to a counsellor who may be able to signpost her on to a service but who will also support her with this. Is her son getting counselling? It will need to be addressed with the other children too. Abuse needs to be brought out into the open in my opinion, if it is kept in the dark of someone's mind it can lead to all sorts of dark pathways.

Thank you for responding. I couldn't agree with you more that abuse needs to be brought out in the open. But at the same time, the situation has to be dealt with sensitively. Her son has only just disclosed to her, that's the first step for him. She can only advise him to seek counselling for himself but it must be at his own pace. It's especially difficult for men to talk about it.

It's also not her place to tell her other two adult children, in my opinion. I'm not even sure if she should encourage him to do so. That could stir up an awful lot of trouble. Mumsnet HQ have given me some information which I've passed on to her. I will urge her to get in touch with the organisations concerned and ask their advice about these difficult decisions.

there are several charities out there, but some are aimed at helping victims of institutional abuse rather than domestic (so depending on your state of mind, it's like being told abuse that happened to you doesn't matter because it happened in the family).
Another charity I approached that works with adult "survivors" was very focussed on "of course it wasn't your fault, perpetrator was a big burly man who had power over you" - a bit one size fits all; me and a fellow participant agreed most unhelpful when looking at peer/sibling/maternal abuse; neither of us completed the course.

I can only advise that your friend has a conversation with the different organisations to assess their attitudes to this kind of attitude, before reccommending them to your son.

She should also be aware that anger towards the parent who did not protect the abused child can become very powerful - sometimes exceeding anger towards the abuser.

Hope that your friends' son finds solace.

*attitudes to this kind of issue

ThinWomansBrain thank you for that very thoughtful response. It sounds sensible to do that first assessment before she recommends anything to her son. My main concern is that she looks after herself - again she needs to be careful who she chooses to engage with.
I am worried about your last comment. He's always been quite angry, the whole family walks on eggshells around him, an attitude modelled by my friend. She puts up with an awful lot. I will warn her.

Sorry - didn't want to alarm you.
Anger isn't always violent - but in the group I attended for a bit, among the women (it was an all female group) abused by non-parents anger/feeling let down by parents was a common theme.
But friends DS anger could have arisen from the traumatic childhood - or might just be his nature anyway.
Hope your friend finds the help she needs for herself and her son.

I think there is a lot more acknowledgement of peer/sibling abuse now than there was a few years ago (I can see from your post it's not sibling abuse, but some of the research I've read uses that term, when it's actually referrring to abuse by similar age young people, rather than adult perpetrators - so possibly a good phrase to use if you want to google to understand it better)

ThinWomansBrain That's a good tip, I have googled. One of the incidents was a same-aged cousin, so very similar to sibling. My friend says she feels calmer now she has spoken to me and will contact a helpline when she feels ready. History tells me that will be never, but at least now I am armed up with some very good information to pass on.