How to keep going when you're struggling with motherhood and mental illness, and treatment isn't helping.

[Notgettingbetter]

I've been severely depressed for more than six months now. I was already taking sertraline and had several increases in dose with no effect before being switched to venlafaxine. A couple of increases in dose and now I'm taking mirtazapine too. I'm not as tearful and desperate as I was at the beginning but every day wish I could die. I have a child so I keep going because I know it would cause terrible damage to her if I killed myself. But I'm beginning to think I should leave her and my partner and go and live by myself. I can't cope with being a parent. I thought it would get better when she started school - she did this Autumn and it hasn't helped. I never have enough time and space to myself. My daughter exhausts me with her high energy levels and constant want for interaction. She's also a terrible sleeper and always has been. I've been seeing a counsellor for about as long as I've been depressed - I jumped straight onto it (and the meds) to try to nip it in the bud. I feel like the counsellor and I are getting to a point where we just can't get any further. I'm tired of talking about my issues - I already know why I struggle and I did a lot of work on this a few years ago. I really feel I shouldn't have had a child, that I'm just not fit for motherhood. We don't have any family and friends nearby who can help us, but I feel like her being at school every day really should be enough for me.

I know I should take up walking again - it helped me in the past - and I should probably find another counsellor/therapist but I'm so tired and weary. I'm being "looked after" by the local NHS mental health team - someone calls me every two weeks to see how I'm doing. I expect they will soon increase my mirtazapine. If that doesn't help I expect they'll want me to come off my current meds and try something else. I hate how it's so slow and all trial and error.

I want to be able to enjoy my daughter's childhood, not struggle through it.

I’m so sorry you are struggling OP. Motherhood can be very demanding. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia shortly after my first DC was born and felt very similar to you. That I could not be a good mother because of my mental illness and I was constantly comparing myself to this vision of perfect mum and falling far short.

You say you can’t cope with being a parent and have no time for yourself. And it’s true younger children are relentless from when they wake up to bedtime...and often in the middle of the night. Many of us have that drowning, overwhelmed and terrified feeling. Do you receive any practical support with your DD? Is her Dad doing his fair share?

One thing that was counter intuitive was play dates and after school activities. Sounds like more stress and more work. But actually, having a friend over and them going and playing together with toys....my DCs attention would be all on their friend. Even if I were doing something with them, I felt more relaxed as I didn’t have the pressure of constant interaction and entertainment while they had a friend over. It made afternoons go faster and easier. The bonus too is if they have a friend over, then your DC can go to theirs so you get afternoons to yourself. After school activities also...good for your DC they have fun, learn something and you get a bit of mental downtime just watching them or waiting for them.

Do you have a neighbour friend you can take walks with? My neighbour has dogs and I walk with her twice a week early in the morning and it is space where I can chat about random things to another adult without it being work or child related. It can be impossible to be motivated to go for a walk when you’re alone, so I completely understand you there and why you stopped walking.

When I am going through a bad time, I have to break the day down into the smallest chunks of time. So I wake up feeling hideous generally and then try and do the next thing I need to, ie get out of bed, get the kids clothes ready, do some stretching, just try and tackle the smallest tasks I can. Meanwhile normally my mind is full of how difficult everything is but I often need to 'pull' myself back in to the task at hand.
I'm sorry to hear you are finding therapy so hard, are you able to discuss your frustration with your therapist and you can talk through your options? They are there to support you and will do this in whichever way you need if you communicate with them. I hope the medication helps you soon. I know kids are full of energy and it's so hard when you feel so exhausted but take heart in the pure bundle of energy that your beautiful child currently is. You are doing an amazing job.

Thank you both for your replies. Things were really tough when my daughter was a baby but I coped. I think the main problem now is probably anhedonia - I just can't enjoy anything. I used to look forward to any bit of time I got to myself because I'd be excited to work on one of my creative projects, or read a book etc. I haven't been able to enjoy anything for months. Life is pretty unbearable when you feel shit all the time with nothing to look forward to. I've been scoffing lots of chocolate recently but it might as well be mud for the pleasure it brings me. I really feel it's crucial to find some way to feel anything good again but I just don't know how.

I have discussed my frustrations with the counsellor. She recognises that we seem to be getting stuck. She said she could put me in touch with someone who does therapeutic, guided meditation to try instead. Maybe I'm just lazy and defeatist but I don't really want to. I feel utterly depleted with nothing left in me to keep trying.

I think the main problem now is probably anhedonia - I just can't enjoy anything.

My DH has Major Depressive Disorder, so he gets depression on/off for life. So as you can imagine he is constantly medicated. He had the exact same issue after one of his depressive episodes where he was admitted and in suicide watch in a mental hospital.

He got better, was discharged, went back to work, felt stable and sane but plateaued at apathy. He talked with his psychiatrist and what the psychiatrist said that is some medications essentially numb. So they take away the extremes of emotion. You don’t get the lows (crying, feeling hopeless, awful inside), but you also don’t get the highs (enjoyment, happiness, laughter). So, yes it’s an improvement on a scale of 0-10 in mood to go from 0 to 5 where you are stable but meh nothing feels nice, my life is just a relentless hamster wheel of pointless nothings.

But also, you don’t have to accept that 5 is all that can be achieved.

So long story short, he was transitioned to a different medication that got him from 5 mood all the time to feeling enjoyment in his hobby again or actually finding something funny and having a laugh. He says he never gets to a 10 anymore but having some enjoyment now (hitting 8 or 9) and then has made all the difference.

So might not be you, but the medication? Perhaps it is numbing you? So protecting you from good emotions as well as the bad emotions? It’s worth having a medication review with your psychiatrist and see what they think.

Oh my goodness I hear you on the chocolate thing. It is hideous when you can't enjoy eating something which you normally love. Just try and be exceptionally kind to yourself. Do a few minutes of something with your daughter if you can and then give yourself some space as a priority in whatever way you can.
I have stayed stuck with my therapist for a while as that was kind of the space I was in. I was very low and she just kind of sat in there with me. That was all I could cope with at the time. So I understand not wanting to change anything if that feels too huge as well. People also said to me I could try a different therapist but I felt too shit and scared to move away from her. That's just my experience though, you will find your own way through, just keep putting one step in front of the other..

What approach is your counsellor taking, do you know? It may the wrong therapeutic model..

How are you @Notgettingbetter?

@GoRicky

I'm okay... I wasn't last night - a few posts down in the mental health section is another of my posts where I talked about feeling suicidal 😞

But yeah, today hasn't been too bad I suppose. I emailed the mental health team yesterday and someone called me today. I think I've finally been allocated a specific person to keep an eye on me. He gave me his mobile number - is that normal I wonder? He said he would get a meds review sorted for me.

MIL visited today so daughter had someone else to entertain her. I cooked dinner - I haven't done that for ages.

I'm not sure how I feel now but I know it could be much worse.

@Notgettingbetter I hope that having a dedicated support person will make all the difference. It’s also a positive that you cooked dinner, that’s a massive achievement when feeling low in yourself

@GoRicky

I decided the other day to set myself the goal of cooking dinner once a week 🙂 Small, achievable goals do help, it's just that it can be tricky to know what's actually achievable!