Extreme self esteem issues

[username839]

Hi, I don’t know what to do about some really extreme self esteem issues I have. I’m 24, I have a great bf, and have had some male attention for the last few years but:

• I think about my appearance every day. Everytime I look in the mirror I feel sad about my awful skin, my damaged hair and how rough I look
• I can’t sing to myself, talk to myself or anything like that. I cringe too much about how I sound and how awful I am so I just don’t do it. It’s like my mind is on overdrive and I’m constantly so aware of what I’m doing
• I’m convinced my voice is just the most horrible voice
• I avoid small talk with people as I feel I will fuck up or stutter, and sometimes I do
• I genuinely believe I got my job out of pure luck and expect to get fired at any moment
• I genuinely do not understand why boyfriend loves me and always feel like I’m being pranked of some sort

I just don’t know what to do anymore, it’s debilitating :(

I’ve also struggled to concentrate at work recently. I just sit, fidget and daydream and have been pretty unorganised

Bump:(

Hello, didn’t want to read and run when you feel so crap. Big hug. Obviously I’d suggest finding a counsellor, i was told, when I totally lost my self esteem, to start noticing what makes you feel good. Often hard to know, then do more of that and explore it more. Also the old cliches, veg and excersises , maybe in a club where you achieve rather than a gym.
The skin thing sucks and I don’t know what you do with that, having had crap skin I know how much it can knock you. Worth asking go for dermatologist or paying, if you can afford it. Also worth knowing that no one actually looks at you piece by piece, but they see you as a whole. So a sunny smile, twinkly eyes and enthusiasm is more beautiful than perfect ski a nd make up but being very ‘ look at me’ and dull….
Also stay off Instagram!

Thank you so much @namebunny 🤍

Don't let yourself stare in the mirror and pick yourself apart. Look in the mirror as little as possible and when you do don't get too close up and start finding fault. Think about whether you judge other people as harshly as you're judging yourself. Stop looking for men to tell you that you are acceptable, it's not up to them to decide your worth. Accept that you're a crap singer, most people are! and sing anyway, it's ok to be rubbish at things and to do them anyway because you enjoy them. Find some things you enjoy doing and don't worry if you're not the best, do them anyway. You don't need to impress other people with them, do them for yourself.

Accept that you are not perfect and that's just fine, it's the quirks and imperfections that make people interesting. Remember people do not spend nearly as much time judging you as you think - they have their own shit to deal with. It's all about accepting yourself, you're ok and that's enough.

Have a look at this list of cognitive distortions - I think you'll recognise quite a few of them.

Ask a trusted friend or family member to give you a realistic appraisal of your skin and hair. If there's (actually) anything wrong with either of them you should look to your diet and sleep in the long term and a facial and good haircut in the short term.

Are you bored at work? Ask for training or more things to do - will keep you busy and shows initiative.

Generally this stuff stems from beliefs that we have picked up early in life. Often our parents had parents who picked them apart to try to make our parents meet their needs for peace and quiet and social conformity and various other social needs and then our parents became extremely critical of themselves and then they pass this stuff along to us. It isn’t done in any way out of badness, it is all they know and it was all their parent’s knew. We pick up on that criticism and then embed it into ourselves as our way to learn how we ought to behave. Very often that criticism is completely automatic in our thoughts, it is completely unconscious and it is often very biased towards our parent's unmet childhood needs just as theirs came from their parents unmet childhood needs.

We can address this by becoming aware of these thoughts and challenging the ones that are unfair towards us.

The automatic programme in our brains is something like 20 times as fast as the rational side of our brains which is why we have to work very hard to create new neural networks to surplant these old automated thoughts that don’t serve us well. Coupled with those thoughts are likely to be emotions which our body is also used to and actually likes the familiarity of so we really do have to do a lot of work to overcome the thoughts because it is almost as if our body and brain are addicted to them if that makes sense.

Meditation is a really good way of starting to reprogram your brain.

I’d recommend this: www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Low-Self-Esteem-2nd-behavioural/dp/1472119290?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

There’s also a set of work books.