I want to have children but scared my mental health will not allow me to be a good mum.

[Linda4568]

I have anxiety and depression and I am very scared to have kids my main worry is that pregnancy and having a kid will make me feel even worse in turn making me a bad parent. I am on medication (Citalopram 20mg) but still get bad days/weeks and no way I would be able to get off it during pregnancy as I need it to function. I am getting married next year and my age does not allow me to wait for very much longer to start having kids. My partner is telling me he will look after me no matter how bad it will be but I am very nervous.

Really understand how you're feeling. My mother had mental health issues which affected me and I was very worried I would do the same to my kid. I've suffered from anxiety but not really severe depression.

I'm not qualified to know how medication works with pregnancy but presumably your GP could advise on that.

Based on my experience I guess these are the sort of questions you could ask yourself. I'm assuming from your post you do want to have kids - you're just concerned about the implications.

1. When you have a bad day do you know somewhere inside yourself that it will pass or are you genuinely convinced that nothing will ever get better? Are you able to still consider other people's feelings? If you were in the middle of a bad spell and a friend suddenly announced a serious illness would you be able to put aside your feelings to help her?

2. How hard are you on yourself generally? Imagine you're having a bad day and you get through it with your kid with the help of chocolate/telly but keeping your kid safe and reasonably happy. Would you go to bed thinking "terrible day but I'm proud I looked after X reasonably well despite that" or "I'm a terrible parent because I didn't do ten hours of PlayDoh" or something like that.

3. How much support do you have around you? Your partner - good, do you have family, friends, other help? Are there financial issues that might exacerbate things? Are you happy to ask for help when it's needed? Or do you tend to struggle on too long?

Basically - are your bad spells miserable but you can still function or do they leave you pretty much unable to do anything except focus on yourself? If it's the latter would you be able to ask for help? You don't need to be the perfect parent or anywhere near it but you do need to know you could keep your kids safe and that includes recognising when you need support.

And from my own experience:

1. I once saw a list of risk factors for Post Natal Depression and was worried to find I had five out of six! But I didn't get it to my great relief! Apart from sheer luck I'd say that was down to having realistic expectations, a supportive partner and no financial worries.

2. In some ways having a child did help my mental health. It made me much more disciplined about my bad disordered thinking - while I catastrophise about my own life I manage to not do it with my daughter ( at least I don't show it!).

3. My daughter (now 17) so far seems pretty laid back with no signs of mental health issues. Not to say she won't in the future but I'm confident it won't be because of me - I think the parenting she's had has been "good enough".

Hope you can make some sense of all this. Much more expert help than mine is available:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/parenting-with-a-mental-health-problem/parenting-and-mental-health/

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/p/parenting-and-mental-health

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/planning-a-pregnancy/planning-a-pregnancy-and-mental-illness/planning-pregnancy-mental-health-condition

For what it's worth, I'd say that anyone who's actually thinking about this BEFORE having kids is part of the way there!. The worst damage to kids comes from parents who refuse to admit potential problems and just carry on regardless. If you're prepared and realistic you have every chance of being a great parent.

Thank you so much for this message it is very very helpful. When I have bad spells I am still able to function just makes everything harder. I am willing to do what is needed to make sure my future kid will be happy. But i still have an immense fear of not being a good parent because of my mental illness.

I have bipolar. I had hard times with my kids.
I wasn't diagnosed until my kids were a lot older, but I always knew there was something very wrong and I suffered, badly. But the kids didn't see that.
Even at my worst times I was still able to meet their needs even when it was utterly draining for me.
They're all grown up now and we're very close (apart from one, but that's due to something in adulthood completely unrelated to my health)
I won't give you a rose tinted perspective, I had some really tough periods and frequently felt horribly guilty and anxious. But I don't think that's necessarily unique to a mentally ill woman. "Mother Guilt" is a curse most of us have..
I think the fact that my AC call and visit really often of their own accord speaks for itself.
Go into it with your eyes open. You will undoubtedly have difficult times. Sometimes caused by your illness.
You'll have to avoid my biggest mistake, which was not making time for myself and taking care of myself. I would have been far less punishing on myself if I knew then what I know now.
Don't just accept comforting, vague reassurance from your partner. My husband was mostly lovely, but clueless and I had little hands on support.
Have a serious talk with him. What will he do if you have times when you're not feeling able to cope? Can he really explore this with you and show that he has a realistic idea of the future and that he'll be free of any resentment because he truly gets you.
You'll also have all the same joys and sense of achievement as any other mother. The fierce love will be the same. Even if it doesn’t come immediately, that's not a worry. Many women take months to fall in love with their baby. I don't think that's as commonly known as it should be.
Have some counselling if you need to explore your fears.more deeply.
And if you do decide to ttc I wish you all the luck in the world.
Motherhood is a fucking tough gig for everyone. Not just those of us with a diagnosis. Your child has to come first, just make yourself a priority too.

You can stay on Citalopram throughout pregnancy 👍

You can also start assembling a network of support eg. maternal mental health professionals, counsellor etc to make a plan for coping during pre and post natal periods.

Other strategies that work well are an overall focus on well-being ie being mindful of self care with regard to diet, sleep and exercise. You cannot overestimate how valuable this can be.

The main thing is to take ownership of your well-being. You have started by acknowledging your vulnerability and now you can work on a plan to prepare and strengthen for parenthood.

I have always struggled with my mental health. I made a lot of effort to be well before having a child. Pregnancy was really hard. Giving birth was awful. My baby had colic - cried all the time and barely slept. The sleep deprivation was brutal. Somehow I survived and by the time she was two I was actually okay. But the lockdowns last year gradually broke me and now my mental health is worse than ever. We don't have any family nearby and support us either. I love my child but I shouldn't have had her. Maybe I will feel differently in the future, if somehow I get better. I feel stupid for ever thinking I was fit to be a parent.

Notgettingbetter that's a very brave post to write and I think there are many, many people who have had a similar experience. I hope you can find a path through and please don't feel stupid about it.

@Grimbelina

Notgettingbetter that's a very brave post to write and I think there are many, many people who have had a similar experience. I hope you can find a path through and please don't feel stupid about it.

I wouldn't call it brave but thank you for your post. I'm trying my best for my daughter's sake (she didn't ask to be born and I love her more than anything) and I hope one day it gets easier.

Worth talking to your GP to review meds and see if there is anything else that can help. Have you tried CBT? Other things that can help?

I think you are asking a very valid question
I’ve had MH dips throughout life
But finding myself a a single mother , with one tween and one teen who has mental health problems has challenged me
It’s not for the faint hearted

I can’t give you any advice but I do think it’s right you have a deep think