Am I destined to wear a metaphorical mask forever?

[Nightcaller]

Is there any way back from this? No one ever sees the real me anymore. No one even attempts to look beyond the surface.

I've been depressed to a certain degree for the majority of my life - at times having therapy, at times on medication. Almost no one knows that.

I'm depressed now but not to the point where I can't function day to day. This time, no one except my therapist knows. No one actively cares about me. I simply exist.

There's nothing good to say about work. My career has gone downhill and my pay is poor despite work taking up a huge part of my day. What's the alternative to it taking up most of my waking hours? I have to earn money (single mother/income).

I'm no longer a good mother. I'm irritable. I don't feel I provide the things my DC need.

Nothing brings me joy. I just carry on slowly achieving nothing as life passes me by.

The therapy I'm having (NHS) isn't working. I'm just playing along and essentially lying as it's that or nothing.

I hardly sleep anymore. I'm in a terrible state physically.

Friends and family all seem to have gone very quiet recently.

I don't know what the point is or how to change things. The future looks extremely bleak.

I don't feel capable of getting myself out of this place. I need a hand to hold and someone to guide me but I don't know where to turn. I have even reached out in several ways out of desperation and it's come to nothing.

Not really expecting anything from this post but if anyone has any advice it would be welcome.

Tell your therapist what you've said here. There's absolutely no point in lying; that you are is something that needs to change.

Good luck, I hope you find the way through and out.

@Nightcaller

Is there any way back from this? No one ever sees the real me anymore. No one even attempts to look beyond the surface.

I've been depressed to a certain degree for the majority of my life - at times having therapy, at times on medication. Almost no one knows that.

I'm depressed now but not to the point where I can't function day to day. This time, no one except my therapist knows. No one actively cares about me. I simply exist.

There's nothing good to say about work. My career has gone downhill and my pay is poor despite work taking up a huge part of my day. What's the alternative to it taking up most of my waking hours? I have to earn money (single mother/income).

I'm no longer a good mother. I'm irritable. I don't feel I provide the things my DC need.

Nothing brings me joy. I just carry on slowly achieving nothing as life passes me by.

The therapy I'm having (NHS) isn't working. I'm just playing along and essentially lying as it's that or nothing.

I hardly sleep anymore. I'm in a terrible state physically.

Friends and family all seem to have gone very quiet recently.

I don't know what the point is or how to change things. The future looks extremely bleak.

I don't feel capable of getting myself out of this place. I need a hand to hold and someone to guide me but I don't know where to turn. I have even reached out in several ways out of desperation and it's come to nothing.

Not really expecting anything from this post but if anyone has any advice it would be welcome.

Therapy won't work if you don't tell the truth about what is really going on.

Talk to your therapist. You could start off saying I want to open up but it find it so hard that I lie or skirt around the issues. Then take it from there.

PS

if you lie to your therapist or dont open up you are effectively attacking the process and spoiling it for yourself.

Don't sabotage things for yourself.

I think there is one part of you that does want help but you also have another part - perhaps more hidden to you - that is trying to stop you getting help. That is the part that lies in therapy and doesn't present the whole picture.

You are very much not alone in this. Most people are like this to some degree. But even so, you've got therapy on the NHS (a miracle!) So time to face it and accept that it is something you are doing to yourself which is attacking your chance to feel better.

Pps

You aren't "destined" to be anything. No such thing as fate or destiny.

More alarmingly perhaps - it is in your hands to make of life what you can.

Which is tough. But does give you agency. You're not at the mercy of whatever thing you think you're at the mercy of.

Good luck.

Your therapist actively cares about you. They give you 50 minutes each week and their sole focus is you and trying to walk alongside you. They may well be aware you are lying. They will be ok with that too. Go to therapy and spell it out as closely as you can to what you have said here. Or tell them there is something you are trying to say but can't. Therapy is your way back, you are already doing the work purely by turning up. Therapy is about way more then simply what we say. There's a reason that you can't feel the active support of your therapist so try and trust the process to continue on. You are worth it.

Also, you can drop the mask whenever you are ready. It's entirely up to you. This is your life.