Ready to give up fighting depression

[Oliv1990]

I was first given anti depressants seven years ago and im now at the end of my tether with it, I posted here before and have since spoke to the doctor again who is arranging blood tests and seen my therapist again who spoke to the doctor to let them know how bad it was this time. But I feel like just not going to either of them again because as lovely and helpful they are I don’t think I can be helped. Seven years and not one of them has been a year without at least one breakdown and they keep getting worse. Tried all sorts of anti depressants spent loads on therapy and even though I know my life is good and everything is what I want and I was so happy weeks ago I just can’t cope anymore. I can’t take my life as much as I think of it because I feel too guilty. But I think maybe I just need to accept being this way. I don’t even think I want to feel happy again this time because it’s worse when I ineveitably hit a down again after. I want to give up. Just don’t think I am capable of being ok long term. Feeling like cancelling all my appointments. Wake up every morning not wanting to get up but having to because of work knowing I can’t tell them what’s going on. Worried about telling them I need time off for appointments without them thinking I’m either skiving or something is wrong. I hate it

That sounds exhausting. Is there any pattern to your depressive periods? Have you identified the original cause?

Anti-depressants do not work for everyone, some people find some better than others and some will make some people feel even worse.

Did your therapy get to the root cause of your depression, or is that still unknown?

Do you have a partner, or children, close family and friends? You may find it hugely liberating talking about this with someone close, if you are feeling shame about the way you are that can be a huge burden to carry, hiding it from everyone, when the reality is you have nothing to feel shame about, no matter how much it feels like it.

Ok, yep, it's a fucking shit show. It probably won't help but you are absolutely not alone. I agree with the poster above, have you looked into childhood trauma in therapy? Have you directly sat in your childhood emotional world? I know you are exhausted and I understand that everything takes effort but your whole life is living under this cloud and it is essentially important to understand what is generating it. Antidepressants may/are helping you to a certain degree but until you stand alone with your own emotional landscape the same patterns will keep emerging.

No childhood trauma, never really any issues, only thing really was loneliness but I don’t even feel that now I worked through that in therapy and now I know everything is good I have great friends and family, a house, financially fine. The doctor said for me it’s a brain chemical thing so antidepressants should work they just don’t. I just feel fed up with it and so tired. I can act fine with everyone but as soon as I’m alone I just crumble. Think about suicide almost all day everyday

Read Lost Connections by Johann Hari.

I am very similar @Oliv1990 but CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) has helped me hugely - more than any other therapy or medication in the last 3O years.
I was hesitant before starting and did promise myself if it didn’t work I would end it all - I still have moments of suicidal ideation and dips but I do find I can get over these quicker now.
I feel for you, the fear of knowing the happiness may not last is daunting and draining.
I second @Sarahlou63’s recommendation for Lost Connections. Others do and have got through - I hope you can.