Struggling to keep going after fiancé’s illness

[Pinkelephantisreal]

I’m really struggling and everything seems so pointless.

My fiancé has been very poorly (having life saving surgery and in intensive care poorly) and although initially it looked like he was going to make a reasonable recovery, this now isn’t the case unfortunately.

I’ve struggled with my mental health all my life and am diagnosed with bipolar, ocd and ptsd.

I’ve coped remarkably well with all the stress and upset whilst he’s been ill but now it’s all “over” and we’ve been left to get on with things, I’m really struggling.

The man I love is gone and he isn’t going to improve now and so has the future we had planned...we were in the process of starting IVF and about to get married when he became unexpectedly ill 2 years ago.

The thought of never having kids or having a normal relationship again is so hard to come to terms with and I feel like I don’t know who am I anymore, as all my hopes for the future have gone, along with my career as I had to give up the opportunity of the role I’d spent 8 years working for when he got ill (now my job is purely to pay the bills and with enough flexibility to attend his hospital appointments etc, it’s not connected to what i wanted to do, but my chosen career comes with long hours, lots of travel and a level of responsibility that I just wouldn’t be able to commit too now.

Then I feel bad for feeling like this as it was a very real possibility on a number of occasions, that my fiancé wouldn’t survive the last two years and I’m so happy that he has.

I’m so confused and down about it all, everyday just seems like a trudge through to bedtime to wake up and do it all again (if I actually sleep which is rare!) I’m only in my 30s and the thought of this being it now is literally destroying me.

Sorry for the EPIC long post, just felt like getting it all out there might help.

Oh goodness. That sounds very very hard and I am so sorry you have gone through this. Someone will be along with better advice soon, but you are still young and have a great deal ahead of you.

Sending hugs to you.

Is it worth speaking to the Gp?

Are there any agencies, organisations etc that can give you extra support?

Don’t forget to look after yourself, as well as your dp.

Thank you both. I am under the mental health team though haven’t been able to see anyone since before the Covid pandemic (have had some phone consultations but don’t find those anywhere near as helpful.)

My psychiatrist just says that my response is “normal” due to the situations I’ve been faced with, but it’s the feeling of hopelessness that I can’t get over. When I’ve had low periods in the past I know it’s my mental health that’s caused me to see everything as bad, but this time it is all bad! (Although as I said before I do take the positives that my fiancé has made it through with his life.)