Fed up. Want a holiday from my family.

[minko]

DP is about to go on another work trip for 5 days (over a weekend too) after only just getting back from 10 days with his mates. I am so fed up, I have had only one night away from my children in over 4 years, yet he has had boys holidays, ski trips work trips you name it. I feel like a single parent. He says I should go away myself but I have no-one to go with and besides not sure I trust him with the kids on his own.

Anyway, apart from that I am fed up as my parents never offer to help though they live around the corner. Admittedly they are a bit old to look after the kids - they are early 70s - but even though they know DP is away they don't even invite us over for lunch or anything. They seem to think I am living the (1950's) dream of house and 2 kids and should be in raptures. My sister who also lives locally is no help either and when I asked her to babysit one evening told my parents she feels I am taking advantage of her.

And at the end of the day I just feel trapped. I do everything in the house. I seem to have sole responsibilty for the kids and I need a break. I am getting really depressed with people forever going away for weekends without their children and grandparents desperate to help. What is wrong with mine? I feel like moving away cos at least the frustration of them never offering wouldn't be there anymore.

So yeah... what with all that, the constant illness recently and bloody Christmas (all the family together and forced jollity is just what I need right now - not). Sorry to moan but I am at my wits end.

Anyone elses parents no help at all cos I'm fed up with hearing about the ones who just can't get enough of their grandkids.

I think the problem here is not that your parents are no help, its that your dp is no help.

Why had he just had 10 days away with his mates, directly before a 5 day business trip? Why is he getting all these holidays?

Why don't you trust him with the kids on his own? How old are they? Does he EVER have them in his own (if not that needs to be sorted)

I do think, sadly, its up to family whether they help. I don't want my family helping under duress, it doesn't create a happy situation for anyone.

Hmmm, you may be right there. He tells me he has a very stressful job and since he often seems bloody miserable I let him have holidays in the hope it might cheer him up. Which it always does briefly. I should try and go away myself but have nowhere to go and besides don't particularly want to leave the kids.

The business thing has been quite short notice, not intentionally planned straight after his holiday but I feel like I've only jsut recovered from that. I feel so knackered these days.

DP is another one who is always telling me how lucky I am and how I appreciate the money he earns so have to put up with the stress. I don't work (well, I do from home but I'm not exactly a high earner) and that's another thing I should be grateful for apparently. I miss going to work though but can't make it pay with the cost of childcare.

When he gets back from his "meeting" you should just announce that you are going to visit a friend or book yourself into a hotel somewhere for a night or so and let him get on with it.
How old are your DC? My DH was a bit like that until i had a fever one Saturday morning and just could not get out of bed, he took the kids out and enjoyed himself, before he was always nervous about looking after the DDs himself but now he helps out loads.
Just drop him in it that way he can't wriggle out of it.
My MIL is 75 and she still looks after our DDs one afternoon a week.
Your sister sounds pretty selfish, does she have children of her own? If not it could be that she is just scared of the responsibility.
AB

My DCs ar 4and a half and 15months. DP is willing to look after them on his own, and does every now and again. He does mean it when he suggests I go away, so yeah I should just get on with it. Champneys is half price in January apparently .

My sister is an enigma. She has always been jealous of me (according to our mother) and now she is turning into a bitter old spinster. Selfish - yes definitely. She likes playing with DD but has such a chip on her shoulder about our house/kids/car/trappings that she can't really enjoy herself.

UGH - families! I am feeling a bit better for all this ranting!

sweetheart - i just don't get it! he choose to have a family, why is he behaving like a single man. you should be having family holidays, family days out etc.

as to xmas, you DONT have to see all the extended family if you dont want to.

tell them you are simply not in the right frame of mind for entertaining, it might just make them think a little!!

Funny that, not the first time someone has said he behaves like a single man... Probably why I feel like a single parent.

We do have family holidays, and days out and he is a good dad. It's just he reassures (?) me he wouldn't be with me if I was one of those girls that don't let their partners have any freedom...

Our relationship isn't great as you can see. I think I run round doing everything to shore it all up but I'm just worn out now.

perhaps you need to 'reassure' him that neither are you the type of girl who will allow herself to be taken for a bit of a mug!

minko-in the nicest possible way...I think you are being massively taken for granted. You are working from home AND you have 2 very young kids. Believe me, you have a stressful job. The amount of money you get paid is not a measure of how stressful or worthwhile your job is.

OTOH it does sound as if he is willing to look after the kids. So let him!

Here's the thing-if you are not happy, your kids will see that. It sounds like you are putting yourself out to make sure everyone is happy except you. But you do also owe it to your family to look after yourself. You owe it to yourself as well.

(I know its much easier to give advice than to live it btw but hey, thats what MN is for

oh hang on, he is saying, essentially, he is only with you conditional upon having "freedom"?

ok, news. 2 kids under 4 is hard work. Its not a time when you get much freedom. If thats his attitude he needs to grow up and stop issuing threats.

Oh gawd, now he's decided not to go on the work trip and stay home and I just feel guilty... you can't win...

I think you should tell him to go, but tell him that this is a two way street. Start small, and have a bit of time at the weekends to do some shopping in peace, go get a hircut/facial/manicure whatever. If he can afford to keep going away, you deserve some pampering too!

Then you need to build up, once you are both confident with him caring for the kids so that you can get a night awya. Go visit a mnetter for a night, or jsut do a trip to Europe on your own! If dp went away I'd be online booking a weekend in Barcelona or Prague for me! These days, there is nothing wrong with travelling alone, and like you say - you NEED some time for yourself.

Ooo, radical - I like that idea! I've travelled the world on my own, so a weekend away would be fine...

I need to start work on my own strategy, but like you say I think he should go. I kind of feel appeased (is that the right word?) that he was so worried he's willing to cancel his trip for me. Fickle woman that I am now I think he should go. Despite me having flu and feeling like crap...

Minko - just caught this thread as I head for bed

bristling on your behalf having read

"he reassures (?) me he wouldn't be with me if I was one of those girls that don't let their partners have any freedom..."

Forgive me as your dh may be a great partner in other ways we don't know about, but I find that an incredibly manipulative thing to say. It's putting it all on you. He's an adult. He knows it's not your job to "let" him have freedom (or not) - it's up to HIM to pitch in and take responsibility as a father off his own bat.

So do you think you now feel guilty because he's being a bit, well, manipulative? (Glad he's not going though of course for your sake!!)

Sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment. I really sympathise. My dh travels to one or two different countries almost every week and the way I get through it is by having a night out with friends once a month (not much I know but at least it's something) and I have 2 hrs per a week on a Tuesday to do something 'for me'. If I'm having a hard time, it's a small thing to look forward to.

Your op also struck a chord because my in-laws think I'm living the dream as well and although I'm lucky in many ways, it's not all tea and cakes!! Plus I have one sister who doesn't have children and it's virtually impossible trying to bridge that gap in understanding. You have to try and get as much support as you can from friends with children of a similar to age as yours because they are the only people that truly understand. Hope things get better for you!! Go for that holiday!!!

he's an arse
ytell hime im said so

sorry have had wine nd am sorry.
you need a break kiddo.he is being a twunt.paremnts casn only do so much.he needs to realise hsi responsiblities:
you and the babies!

Don't feel guilty about him not going on the business trip, minko. It'll probably make you feel a bit awkward because it's unusual, but tell yourself that you are important and that you matter and sometimes he has to make sacrifices for you, not just you doing it for him the whole time.

Agree with what everybody has said about his manipulative "you must give me freedom" bit. If you didn't have kids then maybe fair enough, but not now he's a Dad. He really is acting as if he is the most important person in your relationship. No wonder you're feeling down.

BTW if he thinks you're so lucky with the money that is coming in I hope your name is on half the assets and you have a fully equal say in how the money is spent and invested and also an equal pension to him.