to get a cleaner even though he says we can't afford it?

[LauraJaneJones]

My other half pays all the bills, he works long shifts as a carer even overnight. I do part-time freelance stuff for spending money for myself, our child, the home, and some groceries. He is generous and is a hands-on parent. One complaint; he will not clean or tidy in any way, not even after himself. So if he makes a snack it's around 10 minutes clean up that I have to go and do, among working from home, and all other household chores.

The dust in this home is unreal, I don’t know where it comes from. The grime was there when we moved in (housing association), I partly can't keep on top of the cleaning, two cats don’t help; litter tray, floors, laundry, dishes, collecting dishes from around the house, collecting laundry from around the house, child’s room, I cook all meals too. I also partly don’t want to spend all my downtime from work and parenting cleaning, which I would have to do to keep it actually clean. Right now it's liveable but with huge dirt and dust collections under everything such as tables, sofa, TV stand.

I told him I was going to get a deep clean of the downstairs with my money, around £100, so that I can start fresh and then maintain.
I've never had a cleaner before. Will this even work?

He said ‘it's not a good use of our money right now’ as we just got married and he's being frugal. But I feel I need this. I have serious neuroses about mess and untidiness but it's mainly his activities that prevent me getting to the larger tasks as when he's home it's literally having to follow him around to wipe up mess, spillages, then collect the dishes when he's done and wash them.

AIBU for insisting I do spend £100 of my earned income on this? He really isn't happy about it.

Doesn't sound unreasonable at all, though hard to know for sure without knowing how tight things are for you financially. I'd tell him that his options are (a) you pay professionals to do the deep clean (sounds like you need the equivalent of an end of tenancy clean); (b) he looks after the DC out of the noise for an entire weekend while you do it; (c) you'll look after the kids out fo the house for an entire weekend while he does it.

And tell him he isn't a child and needs to start cleaning up after himself. If he has a snack when he is doing a long shift in someone's home caring for them, would he leave a mess there? I'm guessing not.

Why don't you take some responsibility for paying the bills before adding to them. You need to get a better paid job beford thinking about cleaners.

Well I also home educate our daughter and my husband agreed with me to work part-time instead of full-time, which I did for 15 years. I'm done with that.

I would be getting either a cleaner or a divorce.

I could not live with having to basically parent my husband. I'm sorry but that is just lazy and disgusting. He is more than old enough to clean up after himself.

Stop allowing your children to eat and drink upstairs or insist on all dishes being brought down before they are allowed to do anything even remotely recreational.

Yes OK, I see his point that he is paying all the bills in return for you doing the home stuff but that doesn't mean he can regress to being a toddler who can't even wipe up something he's spilled.

Do it - but don’t pay it from your money as that’s accepting that it is entirely your job and responsibility to clean up his mess!

How is it your money, surely it is family money? How many hours do you work?

I agree with your DH. Sounds like money is tight and I'm sure the house isn't as bad as you think it is. Can't you get your DH to take your DC out the house for a full day one weekend and blitz it yourself?

But I see that people have already advised you to divorce him. Do people realise that the OP won't be able to afford to stay at home with a school age child and do a part time freelance job (MLM?) if she's a single parent? By her own admission, she doesn't want to work FT.

If "blitzing it yourself" is an option why aren't you suggesting she takes their child out for the day and he sorts it all out?

If it's been jointly agreed one person is doing childcare/home education that counts towards their contribution to the household even if it's not actively making money.

If money is tight, could you not send the child to granny for the day and you and dh get stuck into it on his day off.

How old are your children? I don't think its acceptable in a household of 4 people for only one person to be responsible for cleaning, laundry etc. Everyone needs to play their part, you're a family not 3 people with a maid service, I'm not surprised its getting you down. The time you spend picking up and cleaning after able bodied people is taking away from other things you could be doing.

If he says you can't afford a cleaner then you need to set up a chores rota and get your family to stick to it.

I actually have a slightly different take. While I agree that your DH sounds like a slob - he can bloody well wipe up his own mess - it sounds like he pulls his weight in other ways. He works long hours, in your words, while you do "part time freelance stuff for spending money". In our home, if one of us was working PT they would also be picking up the slack at home. You only have one child, how hard can it be to keep on top of things? (Even with a lazy spouse, sounds like he's gone a lot.) Are they school aged?

I would hire a cleaner for one session to get yourself back on track, but then make more of an effort to maintain a reasonable level of tidiness.

If your finances are set us as separate, then surely it is up to you what you spend your money on.

Your overall setup does sound odd though. You know what works for you, but I would suggest you need to educate your husband and child to clean up after yourselves and then in 2-3 hours per week you should be able to stay on top of the weekly stuff that you might otherwise pay a cleaner for.

I would assume that if he is working long shifts any paying all the bills, while you work part time, it has at some point been agreed that housework is part of your contrition the family? I would be surprised if you had agreed to following him around wiping up his mess though.

How old is your child?

Op why don’t you increase your hours or change roles so you earn an extra hundred pounds a month to pay for it? It sounds like money is tight and a hundred pounds a month will impact,so look to earn more to pay for it?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to pay for a deep clean as a one off, I just don’t think that you will be able to maintain from that point on.

It’s obviously too much for you to do alone. I would tell DH that he needs to start cleaning up after himself and doing some of the household cleaning and set up a rota to ensure you both stay on top of it. To tackle the deep clean, just set aside a weekend day and the two of you can do it. If the child is age 2 or up they can help a bit too. If under 2, see if they can have a play date or stay with a relative for the day.

Also how many hours a week do you work and what do you earn, do you both have savings? Carers are notoriously low paid sadly and you’re in council housing, and you only work part time. So a hundred pounds a month could be a lot.

"Cheaper than a divorce, no? Because you never pick up after yourself and expect me to do it. I'm done with that."

Get a deep clean whilst dh at work and act exhausted when he gets home.
Of course your dc will dob you in.

Sorry, I just realised that’s was posted in Mental Health not in AIBU, so I may have misunderstood the subtext of the question.

Is there a mental health component to the issue OP?