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Mental health

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Original poster

Does your teen steal from you?

27 replies

stirling · 30/10/2021 13:33

Really at my wits end today. Despite for the past two years insisting that my DC (16 and 14) stop pilfering through my stuff and helping themselves to everything (never returning or basically just destroying stuff) - despite getting angry, being calm, getting emotional and trying every approach, they just go completely silent and then insolently continue.

I feel like a mad woman. I felt particularly bad when one of my envelopes from a client had been opened and a wad of cash was missing. I cried bucket loads because I couldn't accuse the client of short changing me, because of my kids always taking my belongings.
By this I mean everything - clothing, hair products, all stationary vanishes all the time etc...

I've just come back from a little break on my own to find so much missing.. I'm chronically ill and the ongoing stressors on my life exacerbate my illness.

Today I'm at my lowest point in a long time.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 30/10/2021 13:38

Mine never ever stole from me. They had far more respect for my belongings. If they wanted to borrow something they always asked first. Or if they took something on an urgent basis without asking they would tell me as soon as they could.

Do your DDs get pocket money to buy their own things?

Original poster

stirling · 30/10/2021 13:40

Thank you, yes they have plenty of money from grandparents, odd jobs that they do etc...

OP posts:

Original poster

stirling · 30/10/2021 13:41

I've toyed with the idea of keeping my room locked, but how sad is that? It would feel just simply wrong.

OP posts:

ClaudiusTheGod · 30/10/2021 13:42

Tell their grandparents what kind of grandchildren they’ve got. Stop cooking for them. Stop doing their laundry. Stop giving them pocket money. They need consequences.

AnyFucker · 30/10/2021 13:43

No. That isn’t right. Your stuff should be respected.

bigbluebus · 30/10/2021 13:45

Never money but my chocolate supply regularly disappears and wrappers are found under DCs bed.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2021 13:45

My now adult children never once stole from me. This isn't normal at all. If you have to lock your door, do it. I would also be removing their phones, game consoles, allowance, etc, because they don't deserve any of it. You can't let this type of behaviour go on without consequences.

BunNcheese · 30/10/2021 13:48

When did your kids start this? Be Frank OP tell them you will no longer tolerate stealing and its a crime... honestly I would happily call the police to shock my kids if they ever dared to do such a thing. At 16 there's no excuse to open someone else's envelope it's bang out of line.

woodhill · 30/10/2021 13:49

Yes, sweets, make up, clothing- more borrowed

Original poster

stirling · 30/10/2021 14:02

Thank you, it all started from their toddler years. Their father used to steal, the grandmother (fathers mum) too. Her fraudulent activity in life has been frightening. I'm scared this is a genetic disorder.

I can't prove the money from the envelope. To be honest, it did come from a notoriously dodgy client who has never done it before but always awkward about paying me.

OP posts:

BunNcheese · 30/10/2021 14:05

Toddler years?

Original poster

stirling · 30/10/2021 14:14

Yes, very young. It was stationary mostly in those days, when I'd ask if either had taken mummy's new blue pen etc, response was always "no!" and I'd always find whatever was missing in their rooms. Usually battered and broken.

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 30/10/2021 14:17

No.

Younger one has started taking my gluten free food though. And she has form for swiping moisturiser (she has her own). I hide a lot of stuff in the car these days.

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/10/2021 14:18

It's not normal and shows a lack of respect. You shouldn't change your behaviour in your own house; they need to. They have normalised this. I am no martinet but I would hate this and be really worried for their future relationships if this is how they treat their nearest and dearest.
I think you have to draw a line in the sand and every single theft , however trivial, gets brought up and repaid.Tell them how it makes you feel. Btw you can't accuse them of the money theft if you don't know who took it so keep that one out of it.

Beamur · 30/10/2021 14:22

It's not normal. How upsetting for you to be treated with so little respect.
Despite the message it brings, I would put a lock on my door and keep all my valued items in there.

GTAlogic · 30/10/2021 14:24

I have no advice other than go to the police if nothing else works? At 16+ they need to realise that it isn't acceptable and something needs to be done.

I remember my younger siblings stealing from me when I was a teen. Everything I had, from money to clothes to chocolate to cosmetics to alcohol was stolen. I ended up buying myself a safe because they were such thieves and because I shared a room I couldn't lock my door.

My mum had a lock on her bedroom door because they also stole from her. I don't remember there ever being any consequences.

I know they are not thieves now they're adults but I don't know when or why they changed.

Original poster

stirling · 30/10/2021 14:28

Thank you all.. My children were the only thing I lived for. I feel totally soul destroyed and would actually welcome an exit from this world.

OP posts:

mushforbrain · 30/10/2021 14:29

I wasn’t the greatest teen and frequently lied to my parents - this was mainly because I just didn’t want to disappoint them. Sometimes I took the odd 20p (a few times at most) from my mums purse but it never occurred to me to take more. I even went through a little stealing phase from shops, chocolate bar, mascara, again just a few times (but I cringe now) I remember one time she asked me to be honest, had I taken £20 from her purse? I was horrified and it stayed with me ever since as I think I realised how badly she must have thought of me to think I would do that, and also because I just never ever would have, I had too much respect for her.

mushforbrain · 30/10/2021 14:30

Sorry, that story wasn’t particularly helpful. I do hope they realise how damaging their behaviour is, I really feel for you.

AutumnWreath · 30/10/2021 14:30

With regard to shampoo / soap / deodorant etc , do you buy them their own and is it a brand they want to use ? I ask , because is ' yours ' is say £15 ( let's say shampoo ) and the stuff they can use is 99p then I mind of get why they might want to use the good stuff.
Stealing money is a big no no and they should have consequences for doing that .

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/10/2021 14:31

getting angry, being calm, getting emotional and trying every approach

All this shows them is that their stealing affects you. It needs to affect them. They need to feel the consequences.

Yes, a lock on your door feels wrong, but it's a good start. It shows that if they steal from you, they lose your trust.

It's only a start, though. They'll need to lose stuff that's really valuable to them as consequences. Paying for damage and loss, for example. Losing privileges, maybe.

zafferana · 30/10/2021 14:31

No, my kids don't steal from me.

You should get a safe and put all your cash and valuables in it.

ShinyHappyPoster · 30/10/2021 14:38

I wouldn't consider them using stationery or hair products as stealing. I'm surprised that so many do tbh. But I always make sure we have lots of toiletries and stationery at home. Everyone has their own individual sets and then there are general ones in open access. I still wouldn't count it as stealing if my teen used mine.

I think if you feel you've tried everything with no result then just get a lock. You have to live your life with the family you have not the Waltons' family you'd rather have. If you feel your teens steal, then put a lock on your door and don't leave anything lying around.

BananaPB · 30/10/2021 14:56

My kids used to keep stationery (like pens) in their blazer and lend them out if others need it then not ask for it back. I buy there's in bulk so it's not a big deal if I need to buy a box of more pens for them.
Some of my stationery is good stuff (gifts etc) that I take care of. It's not ok for them to treat it like their day to day stuff.

My teens don't steal from each other or me. They know I'll usually say yes to them using stuff and I know they'll be grateful and bring it back when done.

They did nick stuff in lower primary like chocolate and change.

MNHQ

MillieMumsnet · 30/10/2021 14:56

'Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.’

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