When is enough enough?

[Littlemisspissypants]

Name changed as the following rant could be quite outing when taken in its entirety. Also, I don't actually expect a response, I just need to get it out into the universe.

I'm sick of fighting for everything.

School was hard and made harder by moving all the time thanks to undiagnosed bipolar mum and her stream of boyfriends. I fell in with the wrong people but managed to pull myself out.

Scraped through vocational college whilst caring for terminally ill mum.

By the time she finally died I was in work but my manager and I clashed and I was struggling mentally with everything that had come before. When I eventually got fired in my early 20s I ended up homeless. My family don't want to know because I'm not what they want me to be, but I'm better off without them. Eventually got myself back inside and not in a hostel.

Went back to college and finally uni. Got a first and a relevant job in the NHS. But I spend all day at work trying to hide my tics that stem from my MH history and saying the wrong thing because I have no social skills.

I lost all my friends when homeless so I have no one outside of work and can't meet anyone because people think I'm weird because I don't feel comfortable with and thus don't have social media.

I'm early 30s, just bought my own house, have attained an education and secured a job that will become a career. But I hate my life.

I'm alone, my physical health is failing because I eat my emotions. I'm incontinent, always had problems but it's getting worse, currently sat on my mac in the car to as not to damage the seat because 5 minutes into a planned hike I pissed myself again. I haven't had a drink all day to try to mitigate this but it's not enough.

A colleague at work has made this last 9 months some of the most difficult through making false accusations that I can't disprove because how do you disprove something that didn't happen.

I haven't self harmed in over 10 years but for the past 4 months it's become all I've ever thought about.

I can't have time off as I'm already on stage two sickness after a couple of lurgis in the past 18 months.

Well done if you got to the end and sorry for the disorderedness. I'm crumbling.

That was a hard read. You have achieved so much in your life, against astounding odds. Could you pluck up courage to talk to your GP? You won't necessarily need time off but you do need specialist help. When you say you "eat your emotions" what do you mean?

If your job is causing you stress, can you move sideways or into a comparable but less taxing role in the private sector?

In the short term get some period pants or Tena but DO reach out for help. And soon.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for making it hard.

I've been through cmht and private therapy several times. It only goes so far. Eating my emotions... I use food to comfort myself, and it's rarely a salad.

My job is fine. Most of my colleagues are great. It's just this one member of my team and my line manager.

Re the incontinence: I use pads but they don't hold enough. I've seen specialists, tried medications, done pelvic floor exercises until I'm blue in the face but nothing works.

Can it be that the incontinence issue is psychological (if there's no obvious medical issue)? Would you try a different type of therapy?