Low self esteem caused by my mother?

[Wineloffa]

I have very low self esteem which is part of the reason I’m currently suffering from anxiety (I think!). A lot of my anxiety relates to work, terrified of making a mistake, beating myself up over silly things, always feeling not good enough / imposter syndrome, etc. It’s exhausting! People tell me all the time I’m great at my job but I just don’t believe them..

Anyway, my mother was a very detached, unemotional mother. I have long suspected she has undiagnosed autism which might be the reason for this. She took good care of us in practical ways but never hugged us, told us she loved us or reassured us in anyway if we were upset or anxious. Even now she barely ever even phones me, it’s like she has zero interest in me or my kids.

Does anyone else suffer from anxiety/ low self esteem / imposter syndrome and has a mother like mine?

oh OP i totally feel for you on this one and definitely relate. I suffer from horrific anxiety and most of it is work-related. I also have very low self-esteem which I'm only really tackling now, at 41.

I love my parents dearly but my mum suffered from depression and was an alcoholic. These two things made her quite selfish at times. The worst part was my mum never ever gave me any positive advice, no kind of "you can do this, you're strong and awesome and fuck everyone"

My mum's message was this "well, i'm afraid depression is in the family dear, i don't know what to say. i'm sorry for having you"

she's totally dismissive and distant. i stopped telling her very personal things a long time ago, which makes me very sad. I've been having some problems recently as i don't have kids and it's throwing up a lot of sadness and issues for me and mum knows nothing about it. I can't go to her as she will say something to upset or hurt me.

anyway, i'm rambling. I'm so sorry you feel the same, it's a really hard place to be in. i think your feelings are totally valid and i would maybe talk to someone if you can, partner or professional. sending hugs x

My dad was and is as you describe, and could be very harshly critical too plus I always felt like a nuisance and as though I was simply bad or odd. There was no warmth or affection or laughter with him although a you say, we were fully provided for. I have really low self esteem and I ascribe at least some of it to this from my childhood.

Yep, my mother was like that. I'd just leave her be and live your own life without her front and centre.

I also suffer from low self esteem and anxiety over making mistakes. growing up my mum was emotionally detached and generally very dismissive of my feelings. She never appeared interested in my emotional well-being, how I was doing at school or if I had friends etc.

Our relationship seems to fit with the classic narcissistic mother / daughter dynamic and I’ve found reading more about that has shone a lot of light on our relationship and how to navigate things. I find i just have to remind myself that she wasn’t able to give me what I needed because she hadn’t been exposed to anything different, and it’s the way she was brought up, but it’s hard to not get angry about it.

Thanks for your replies. I’ve been wondering for a long time why I am the way I am and I’m fairly sure it stems from my childhood. Judging by your replies, you’ve gone through similar and I’m probably right in my thinking. I don’t hate my mother though or have any desire to distance myself from her. She is who she is and like I said in my OP, I strongly suspect she is autistic so she brought us up to the best of her ability. She also had a very tough upbringing so wouldn’t have known much better from it.

I have two children and I shower them with love and affection constantly. I never want them to feel alone or abandoned, we have a very close, loving relationship. It’s the one good thing my weird upbringing has taught me!

Anyway, I’m about to start counselling and this will be a whole area for me to explore. Thanks again for your replies.