Am I depressed or just overly sensitive/ not resilient

[MissM2912]

I feel so sad and emotional at the moment. I have had a number of things that have happened over the last couple of years that have been traumatic but as well as that I just feel so dispensable to everyone.
I do have friends but I never feel like they are really bothered about seeing me or not, and that’s upset me today randomly.
I have had a huge fall out with by sibling and we haven’t spoken in a year- his choice. I resent my mother so much for not sticking up for me so as not to rock the boat with his wife. She knows how deeply it has effected me and just shrugs. This has been happening for a lifetime.
Essentially I just feel like I really don’t matter that much to anyone other than maybe my husband and children.
How do I begin to feel better and not sad all the time? I do function and work etc, house is fine- most people looking in would have no idea how miserable I actually feel.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Have you spoken to your GP?

No. Haven’t spoken to anyone at all. I had counselling a year ago but I feel far worse now. No one knew I was even having counselling. They basically told me to just not think about my brother. But it isn’t that easy as goes so much deeper.
I am off this week and my supposed best friend has been too busy to see me but has made arrangements for every day with a pile of other people- she is also off (hasn't seen me since July apart from bumping in to her last week). She asked me today if I wanted to come for dinner tomorrow night with another mutual friend but only because I think she picked up I was upset, and then I found out she had invited another close friend last week but not me. Just feel so shit.

I’m not surprised you feel like that. Would you be open to medication?

Yes- I have just been messaging my friend and feel a bit better. I am going to book a GP appointment. The thing is some of the time- I am fine. I can go to work and have a laugh. But then other times I just feel achingly sad. If I was depressed would I feel bad all the time?

Would it be worth seeing a different therapist as the last one didn’t sound very good also if you have experienced trauma you could do with seeing someone who can help you process this, trauma in itself can cause all sorts of issues. When you say this has been happening for a life time do you mean the way your family treat you? Be kind to yourself, I know this is hard to do when others don’t show you kindness but try to take steps to show yourself some compassion. It’s very sad when our friends & family don’t support us, focus on your immediate family, the love they have for you, then look into talking things through with a good therapist

Yes- my mother has just turned a blind eye for 35 years to my brothers behaviour and I have spent my entire life feeling not good enough.
It has just really hit me today for some reason. Will look in to a therapist too x

OP I could have written this - especially the part about the supposed best friend. My supposed bestie does that too, does she have a lot of friends? Mine does and seems to compartmentalise them a lot. What I find weird is that she talks like she wants to maintain the friendship, but doesn't act like it.

Anyway, to me this sounds much deeper than depression. I was surprised to be diagnosed with CPTSD and depression this summer as I was only seeking hep for anxiety. But trauma literally changes how our brains work so we don't even perveive our own mental state as others would theirs. Perhaps as has been suggested above you need to see a trauma-informed therapist, rather than a counsellor?

Yes- my best friend has loads of friends- she is out all the time- I sometimes feel I must be very boring 😕
Yes a therapist would be good- I do feel a bit traumatised. Two significant bereavements, had move country, a family breakdown with long term foster placement and then this huge fall out with brother.

Go easy on yourself OP you’ve had a lot to contend with over the years, don’t underestimate the impact all these events will have had on your mental health. Be proud of yourself for holding down a job, home & family it’s not easy faced with what you have had to deal with. Like @RobBeckettsUnderpants I’m also diagnosed with CPTSD, there are a lot of resources online for trauma/CPTSD, youtube has good channels, might be worth a look at these areas to see if any of it resonates with you.

Thanks so much. Feeling a bit better now written it down. Will have a look x

Aw, your post really resonated with me. You poor thing feeling so down. I could have practically written similar myself so often in my life. And yet when I see it written by someone else I can see clearly the depression and lack of self confidence permeating through your perception of yourself and your relationships. I am positive you matter greatly to many people. Be kind to yourself