Wouldn't have money for private therapy. And I don't even know if it's affecting me that much (not suicidal or self harming) but it's like an ear worm an invasive thought and imagery more and more frequently.
My ex from 2 years ago whom I no longer have any contact with, had non-consensual (rape) sex with me. Sometimes angry fucked me too.
The last time I had sex with him was the instance the rape happened. But wasn't the reason I broke up with him. At the time I didn't even acknowledge it as rape which is one of the issues I'm having. I never raised it with him, or acknowledged the event at all. I think I skew sex with rewards and punishments. It's not been a recurring thing for me but possibly from porn. Sometimes I find it sexy but have NEVER done it in real life (Dom/ submissive)
The rape was on a Saturday morning after a drinking night out with my boyfriend of 10 months. I had drank too much, needed help back to our hotel room, been manhandled and (literally with force) thrown into bed, which made me vomit. He cleaned up a bit and we fell asleep after shouting at me and berating me. In the morning he told me what had happened (he was disgusted with me) I can't remember if he told me before or after the penetration. But I remember lying on the bed, unwashed, sick still in the area (he had wiped it off me a bit (roughly) and he entered me. I gave no signal that I wanted it (I wouldn't have in my state) he definitely didn't ask or do any kind of foreplay he was penetrating me and I lay there. I'm usually quite animated during sex, due to enjoying it. But the recurring image in my head is me corpse like lying there head to the side looking away. I didn't resist I didn't speak My body didn't respond I didn't make any sound. It was done and I went to the bathroom and had a bath. I remember feeling it was like a punishment or not to be denied to him after I put him through my sick drunk state.
How could anyone ejaculate into a person like that. It's so unsexy and he was/ is a monster.
It's more the vision of myself and my lack of action then or thereafter even in my mind that troubles me.
Do I have deeper issues or is it just this event. Should I speak to someone. I don't want to be another unknown statistic. I don't want to involve the police. I don't know what I need.