Is this a normal way to feel?

[Itsassimpleasthat]

I just don’t know if I’m feeling what is a normal depression feeling or not.
It’s quite clear that I am depressed, I can pretend to the world that I’m ok but I can’t pretend to myself.
It’s not like I haven’t tried to make myself better, I think I’ve tried just about every single thing I can possibly think of but the best I can get to is fooling myself for brief periods of time by keeping busy that life is worth it but it never lasts long.
The feeling I am talking about is that I’m just a body waiting to die.
I’m not at risk of suicide, I have children so I am here until my body gives up but I think about wanting to die and ways I could die at least a few times a week if not daily.
If I didn’t have children I wouldn’t think twice, I would just be gone.
Is this normal in depression?
And if anybody else has ever felt like this and managed to feel differently then how?!
I know I’m not going to be able to die on purpose so how do you make life feel better while you’re here?

And how do I get out of the slump that I’m in.
I literally wash once a week or so and I know it’s disgusting but I just can’t make myself care enough to look after myself.
I often don’t change my clothes for a few days at a time.
I don’t even brush my teeth or hair every day.
I only cook because my children need to eat and I’ve stopped leaving the house on my own at all. The last time I socialised was over 3 months ago in person. That was the first time in months too. I barely speak to anyone in the phone anymore either and I know it’s my own fault but I ignore allot of messages too.
I only cook and clean because my children need me to. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t bother.

You are clearly very depressed. You really ought to see a doctor and tell him/her all this. If you feel unable to say it, write it all down, as you've done here. You can get treatment and can get better.

I've been on antidepressants for a few years and would rather stay on them for the rest of my days than ever feel as bad as I did (like you feel).

Please, get help TODAY. Your children NEED you. Best of luck x

I know I am but it’s like I’ve accepted that this is me and I will just wait it out now.
It’s not because I don’t want to, I’ve tried, for many years to actually be ok.
I feel like I’ve given up now.
I’ve got some medication from the doctor for anxiety at the moment.
They asked how my mood was and I said “very low” and they’ve booked me in for an ecg and some blood tests?!
I’ve tried antidepressants but they don’t seem to make a difference, how could they? Tablets won’t change my life experiences and deep seated feelings of worthlessness.
I’ve tried therapies. I’m already probably going on to another therapy list soon (too detailed to put on here) and I’m terrified to do it, yet despite all of this I am still stuck.
Is it possible that some people are just made to be broken and unfixable?

I know I am but it’s like I’ve accepted that this is me and I will just wait it out now.

You wouldn't have posted if you really believed that, so the fact that you are reaching out for help is positive.

Is it possible that some people are just made to be broken and unfixable?

Absolutely not. It's just that they need help figuring stuff out. Will PM you.

@Sarahlou63 I think you’re right in part.
I do feel like I’ve given up and am just waiting it out. I just know that I can’t take my own life and I’m only in my early 30’s so there is a very small part of me that wishes so hard that I can be fixed, I just don’t know how.
It hurts to go through the motions of life knowing that I’m wasting a space on this earth and taking up resources unnecessarily.
I’ve got your message, thank you. I will reply.

Sometimes therapy is really hard but effective. It’s quite possible that once you start to get to the bottom of what you are being referred to you will start to feel the clouds lift. But you may need to do the hard thing for that to happen.
I’d try the meds too. A two pronged approach can be really beneficial - the meds to give you enough oomph to be able to really engage with the therapy.
It sounds really difficult for you at the moment but it won’t always be like this. Keep talking to the doctor