struggling with my mother

[subs]

just wondered if anyone else found their relationship with their mother has deteriorated since their babies were born?

mine has always been tricky (or brill) and our family 'thing' is that we NEVER argue or address probs and just wait for her moods to pass... not sure if i just not doing that anymore (though i not exactly sticking up for myself) or if it just got worse.

the great irony is that she really didnt get on with hers and is juts doing the same things that were done to her. crazy

please tell me i not alone!

My relationship with my mum has never been amazing, she's been depressed since I can remember and i try to be understanding but she's pretty hard work.

Since I had bean it's just got a lot worse. She was there when he was born, although I had mentioned that I would rather be alone, and seems to think that I can't cope without her. I think she's a bit upset that I don't really need her but it's getting really annoying.

Mum says she thinks I don't love her anymore, which is just silly, shes just so difficult to get along with now, i have to watch everything i say incase I upset her.

so, you're not alone!

glad not alone but not glad it tricky for you too (if you know what i mean) xxx

My mother and I have never had a great relationship (apparently we are too alike, although I find it hard to admit that!) Since having the children, things have not improved. I am certainly not seen as the responsible mother of four that I should be. Perhaps it doesn't help that my mother was a doctor specialising in childcare and she won't brook any alternative opinions to child rearing. I always thought when I was growing up that I would raise my children differently, and I could see my mother wouldn't like that. The irony is, I am raising them almost exactly as I was raised. That annoys me for two reasons:I feel as though I am in a trap I can't escape from; and, contrary to expectations, I still don't have my mother's approval. You just can't win with my mother.

what are you repeating that you hadnt intended to?

Do you mean me subs?

yes - sorry so nosey... just wondered if you repeating things and struggle, or just pissed off she did things right or....

I don't think it is so much that she did things right, although I do understand her frustrations and other behaviour more now that I am a parent. I find myself saying the same things as she did, having hissy fits at the same things, etc. I was scared of my mother when I was a child and I am not confident of her love now, and I was determined my children wouldn't say the same thing about me when they grew up, but I fear they will. I feel I am becoming too authoritarian with my children..... it is hard to explain.

know what you mean though... apart from spitting on a tissue and wiping her nose (i vowed this would NEVER happen but...) i find that i turn away or withdraw from my baabe when she being rotten whcih i know is sort of the current advice. but my mum does that even now - though not when we being naughty (fgs) but when wepiss her off (unreasonably) - and i cant help but feel i repeating her actions.... god i dont want to treat mine the way she did us.

plus - how is it that she seems to feel that because she didnt get much help (though they were reasonably well off and she was sahm and no job too) i shouldnt get any too.... when i really struggling i say to myself when maggie has children i will support her and let her get some sleep and iron and stufff... did she never feel this or is she so bitter she has forgotten?

Oh subs I know that one! "You have to learn to manage by yourself". Why? When all research shows that modern mums are the most isolated in the whole of human history. It is not natural, I think, to live so far from one's family and have no extended family around to help out. To be fair, my M&D always used to say, "Don't expect us to do everything for you when you have children of your own" so I suppose I knew that bit was coming!

hey again - just found your other posts... i live in bristol, but my sis is in brighton and v good with kids so if you want to meet her and maybe get a hand or a rest or whatever.... sorry bit out there but could be useful?

xxx

Wish I lived in Bristol! We nearly moved there a few months ago but that has fallen through now. (Mind you, my mother grew up there, so perhaps it is for the best that I don't end up on her old patch!
I'm not all that close to Brighton, unfortunately.

You two aren't me are you?

In our family we don't address problems either & if I upset my mother I have to apologise- even if she was the one in the wrong, or she sulks.

My mother also had problems with her mother. She always said that my grandma didn't see how me & my brother survived between visits because she didn't think my mum was capable. She then did the same to me. (My DH is under strict instructions to stop me if I try to do the same to DD)

Of course my mother is always perfect & could soothe in 2 seconds a crying baby that I'd been trying to calm for 2 hours... that sort of thing.

hey lonely mum - move to bristol!

Really wish I could Subs! Dh had a verbal offer of a job near Bristol but the written offer never materialised. I am just accepting that the move won't take place. We were hoping to get a larger house but can't afford it here so we are beginning to wonder about building an extension. I would much prefer to move!