Dealing with sucidal thoughts

[rosequartz8]

For the last few years on and off, I have dealt with suicidal thoughts. Growing up I always felt a sadness and a sense of being different. I became over stimulated very quickly, hated noise and was bullied the whole way though school. Only in the last few years have I had a diagnosis of Autism, which was like turning on a light for me, but it never took away the deep feeling of sadness I have and the feeling of not wanting to be here.

I never had good friends or good support, any friends I had emigrated after the recession, I lost one friend to cancer and I have just found it difficult since then to form new connections. My only family is my mother who for the most part is kind and supportive, but she tends to treat everyone in her life like they are stupid. I also have a sister but she has hated and resented my existence since the day I was born.

The last relationship I had, the guy threatened to kill me after I broke up with him and since then, I haven't dated. I'm bisexual and would prefer to date women going forward.

I feel suicidal and lost almost on a daily basis, I've been to my doctor and am taking effexor and I also attend therapy but it hasn't helped to address the sadness or the fact I just feel like a failure because I find some daily things very difficult as a result of my autism. I just wish more and more that I wasn't here everyday and it's not getting any easier

You need someone more experienced than me to talk to, but I can see that you've not had a response yet as I didn't want to leave you feeling alone.

I'm sorry to read that you feel so low. I wonder how old you are as I would have said similar things about myself when I was younger, especially in my early 30s. I'm mid 40s now and life is really good, but I distinctly remember thinking that I'd consider opting out at 40 if life stayed as it was. But it didn't, it got better and it's got really good. It's taken a change of location and direction and hard work but it was all worth it.

I can't offer you advice as you need help from someone who knows what they are doing. I expect you know that there are places like the Samaritans you can call or email / text if you need to and I'd urge you to reach out to them. But I want to just gently tell you that the world wants you in it, that you are loved even if you don't feel that you are, and that things can change. The author Matt Haigh has written a lot about struggling with his mental health and some of his work might appeal to you. Or perhaps you need a cuddle from my dog! If you were here now she'd be delighted to see you.

Please be gentle with yourself and try to find the support you need. Sites like this aren't reliable. You need real life support and I hope you are able to ask for it and that it is given to you. But please keep going and I hope that in a few years you look back in this time and are able to see a change for the better. Wishing you well.

@rosequartz8 I just wanted to chime in & echo what @tinselvestsparklepants said in their lovely kind post, remember those words, know that people do care & understand. Samaritans has helped me many times, I know it’s not for some but I’m very grateful they are there when I am struggling. Text service Shout 85258 has also been helpful. Are you able to tell your therapist what you have said here? I have very similar feelings to you with the deep sadness, feeling like a failure, the constant shame from not being able to achieve anything in life. I think for now we have to go easy & not expect too much from ourselves, I know it’s hard to do this but we can try, thinking of you, hang on in there