How to deal with DP’s anxiety

[Ellabella222]

DP is very dyslexic. He has real problems managing relationships and is socially awkward. He suffers low mood and gets frustrated at the smallest things. Today, he was so furious and tearful with himself for not being able to negotiate quite a complex website. He stressed about the kids’ friendship groups all the time because he struggles so much with friends. He’s always falling out with people. He fell out with a relative recently and is still obsessing about it, he never forgives a slight and has really rigid thinking.

He used to drink too much and I realise he was self medicating. He’s stopped now and his problems have intensified. He’s hard to live with tbh. When he is happy he’s great but I find his anxiety hard work. I am running out of patience tbh

I have suggested he see a counsellor and he agreed but I doubt he will get around to it. He has a lot of residual anger from childhood. He needs more than cbt I think. Now I’m thinking he needs proper meds. something to settle his mood?

Should I suggest he see gp?

My DH is dyslexic. He manages to run a very successful business, and manages to send messages on his phone and by email using Siri and asking me 100 times a day how to spell something. I have to remind myself that he can't help it!

Sorry but your DP just sounds like a grumpy arse. Not sure counselling is going to help him out of that one.......... and a lot of people had shit childhoods, myself and DH included. I don't mean to sound dismissive, but that's a lot of excuses he's making for his poor behaviour. It sounds horrendous to live with.

He doesn’t make excuses. I am putting that info about his childhood in for context.

You can suggest the GP if you think he'd go.

Does he know how you're feeling?

Yes he knows he can be hard to live with. I disagree that’s he’s ‘just a grumpy arse’. It’s more. He is suffering with anxiety or depression I think.

My son has severe dyslexia. It never affected his moods or his open minded thinking. Dyslexics are quite often very creative.

I think you need to remove the dyslexia as it isn’t relevant to your DH’s moods or anxiety.

Dyslexia can cause processing and short term memory recall issues but not depression.

Ok thanks. He is in a creative job. I think his dyslexia causes frustration which feeds into his mood.

Tbh your description was making me think autism rather than dyslexia.

Having said that, I think that him knowing he can be hard work is a great start but then next step is for him to actually do something about it.
I agree that the GP would be a good idea and so is counselling.

But I would also work on your own boundaries. He seems to be using you as his own emotional punching bowl. He needs you to ease his difficulties (eg the website).
Things are not going to change of you are still there to ease all the issues and smooth over things. Because they won’t feel as big issues to him as they actually are iyswim. Plus, over time, as you are starting to experience, you will just get more and more resentful.

Reality though is that nothing will change if he doesn’t want make some changes.

I have wondered autism over the years. I know it’s not appropriate to diagnose these things yourself.

I will try and persuade him to go to docs.

Thank you.

I think you need to be very clear on what you are happy to accept.

Regardless of the reasons, dyslexia, autism, depression or anything else, these are reasons or explanations, nit excuses that means you should put up with it ‘because he doesn’t mean it/can’t stop it’.

It might be that he can change some of his behaviours (eg the anger or frustration) with medication, counselling, exercise or simply by acknowledging he can’t behave that way (like he wouldn’t do when he is at work).
It might be that he can’t.
Either way, if this is not something you are willing to accept and compromise on, then you shouldn’t.

That’s why I was saying, him going to see his GP, maybe a counsellor etc.. is a great start. At least he is showing you that he is trying to improve things. But don’t ever feel wrong to say ‘actually this is not enough for me’ and move away from a relationship that is making you miserable.

Thanks. This is not a post about me. I can totally look after myself in this situation. His anger is not directed at me. It impacts me because it’s disruptive and upsets the house equilibrium sometimes. If I’d wanted relationship advice I would have posted there. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I posted on MH for advice on anxiety and how to support/help someone who has a few issues going on.

Sorry if that sounds snippy. I just thought in MH board someone with anxiety or a close relative could relate maybe. Anyway thanks to anyone who has replied.

To the posters who dismissed a link between dyslexia and anxiety I suggest you do your research!

It's hard living with a relative with anxiety - my 19 year old dd (dyslexic like your dh, also creative like your dh and is planning a career in graphic design) has suffered since puberty and it can be demoralising and exhausting. I try to remind myself that however hard it is for me to tolerate the fall out from this, it's worse for her battling with the demons inside her own head.

Dd has stopped taking medication because she said that whilst it takes the edge off anxiety, it also dampens any feelings of pleasure or joy and makes her feel robotic. She has had CBT which has been useful

When things get tough, I deal with the outbursts / frustrations / negativity by telling her firmly that I will speak to her when she has calmed down and stopped shouting (she has had a tendency to take it out on me and be quite vile to me in the past). She then usually disappears and talks herself down a bit and then she finds me an hour or so later and we unpick and scrutinise what is causing her current anxiety, look at worse case scenarios and what ifs, together with potential solutions and generally manage to get things more into perspective rather than allowing her to continue with the catastrophising unchecked.

How willing is your dh to talk through his feelings, and really analyse and question why he might be feeling a certain way. Tbh talking therapy - ideally with a trained professional but also with an in tune loved one, are the interventions that work best rather than medication ....although medication can be useful in putting you in a place where you are more receptive to talking therapy

Just one of many scholarly articles for the link between dyslexia and anxiety, for the naysayers here

http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.513.9541&rep=rep1&type=pdf]] trying again, fingers crossed

Alas, I don't think it's shareable