Can you have serious low self esteem issues for no reason?

[Gardenshed78]

Please be gentle as I'm really struggling at the moment with crippling self-loathing. I'm having thoughts about self harm but haven't actually carried them out yet.

I managed to open up to my partner about it last night and he was gobsmacked. We've been together 2 years and he said he always saw me as a happy confident person. He asked if there was something in my past that had cause me to see myself in this way and I genuinely couldn't think of anything:

Privileged upbringing, big house, nice holidays
Private school, good grades
Lots of extra-curricular activities and hobbies
Happy childhood
Happy parents
Parents bought me my first house in cash so at 25 I was mortgage free. Parents also bought me a car (I feel deeply deeply ashamed of these things and no-one else in my life knows this apart from my partner)
I have a good job and a good salary, although I know I'm capable of more.

On paper, I have such a privileged life, yet I feel so utterly utterly useless and full of shame and self hatred. I've tried CBT and found it no good as my feelings of inferiority are so ingrained, I see them as fact, not something to be challenged.

Where are these feelings coming from?

Middle Class Guilt??

I would try to move away from where they are coming from for now and just focus on the fact that they are there. I would recommend integrative therapy to try and unpick it a little if you can bear it. All of the list you have written appear to be amazing things, but self esteem doesn't necessarily correlate with any of them on its own. I think I mean, you are a human being first, and then all of those things second.

That's interesting. I've always intuitively felt you don't do your children any favours by making life too easy for them. I could buy my DC cars and help them with house deposits (not houses!) but so far I haven't. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't think it will be good for them.

I know I get a tremendous sense of satisfaction and some self esteem from knowing that I've worked and saved for everything I have, whilst acknowledging that my comfortable, secure upbringing put me in a position to be able to do that.

The mind is a complex thing though, so who's to say what caused your issues? Would some counselling help?

@Gardenshed78: I also have struggled with self esteem despite having some ‘advantages’ in life. It doesn’t come from nowhere: it comes from the messages you get about yourself growing up (mostly parents but also teachers, siblings, other family, friends etc).

What messages did you get about yourself as a child?

Do you think too much emphasis in your life has been placed on money and material things op? I think if this is the case, you will never be the richest etc and may always feel “less” than others. Try really hard to focus on success measured on how kind you are, if you made someone feel nice or special or caring for animals etc. Your self esteem might start to grow when you realise these things count. I might have got that wrong about you though so ignore me if it doesn’t strike a chord.

How old are you OP? I'm in perimenopause and it's killed my self esteem and confidence.

@Gardenshed78: The things that you list aren't the only things that children might need. Schema therapy suggests that there are five core emotional needs, which everyone has:

1. A secure attachment to others
2. Autonomy, competence and a sense of identity
3. Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
4. Spontaneity and play
5. Realistic limits and self-control

There's further info on each of these here: gppsychology.co.uk/blog/understanding-core-childhood-needs/

No childhood is perfect, so everyone has at least some experience of their core emotional needs not being met, but maybe one or more of these might resonate with you as something that you didn't get a lot of as a kid?

There are a few bits of your post that jump out at me, have you looked at the possibility of having ADHD? The feeling of needing to achieve more is common in ADHD women and depression/low self esteem is also common.

I'm currently waiting for my ADHD assessment, I have a good job, husband, degree, home but struggling with depression. I do tick other boxes for the assessment but it's very overlooked in women. That's the only reason I suggest looking at it as it's slightly similar to my own.

Regardless of what is causing your feelings I really recommend speaking to a therapist just to explore your feelings. It could help you identify the potential cause, and CBT isn't the only form of therapy so ask for something else.

Hope you find some answers soon