Mums with ADHD - What's it like?

[SidSparrow]

Hi, I've got an appointment to see my GP. I've long suspected I have ADHD and I feel it's time I did something about it.

I have 2 DD, 3 year old and 1 year old, I go from being an awesome mum to a terrible frantic mum. I feel like every day I am in a race with myself and always losing. I keep trying to get organised and can never get there, it's like everything agrivates me. I can never relax. I also think emotional dysregulation is something that applies to me - I often get overwhelmed and I am very easily stressed. I can go from ok to screaming (internally). But I do wonder if how I feel is normal, maybe this is just normal and I should stop fixating on how I feel.

For those Mums out there with ADHD, what's it like for you? For you personally, and how it affects you being a parent. What was is it like before medication and after? Or if you don't use medication what do you do to cope?

I have combined type adhd

for me its

as a kid always had messy work even when I tried my hardest

always losing my pe kit

missing the back side of paperwork

impulsivity/risk taking

always on the go

writing my own huge essays and picturebooks of the things that interested me that I hyperfocused on

struggling with consistency - eg would do really well first week of school back from the holidays but then it would get increasingly harder

as an adult

being easily overwhelmed

buying planners and thinking 'yep got it this time! only to find in a few weeks/months things are out of control again

ditto with any other system eg kon mari

ability to hyperfocus on interests but if the slightest thing puts you off them the interest or hobby is dropped and never picked up again

impulsive spending

losing my train of thought easily in a conversation

not listening to the other person in a conversation as I'm focusing so hard on not losing my train of thought

constant ear worm, always something, be it music or phrases, even just words

missing steps from a recipe

missing an ingridient from a recipe even when I've read it three times

time blindness - although now I massively overcompensate for that with lots of timers

missing appointments - again I overcompensate for this with timers/reminders and these are also symptoms

executive dysfunction - hard to make myself do things sometimes even when it is non negotiable (like paying bills) or would be massively beneficial to me (general self care, eating healthy, putting clothes away etc)

major lapses of concentration, usually when hyperfocusing on something else - like, trying to open my door with a folded ten quid note instead of my key, pouring kettle water into the tea or coffee jar instead of my cup, catching myself putting the oil in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard

hyperactivity can manifest in small things like constant fidgeting, nail biting, skin picking especially on my lips, leg tapping/bouncing especially when anxious

inability to listen to podcast unless I'm doing something with my hands like colouring or putting on make up

tendency to burn out

rejection sensitivity

that's me of the top of my head - there's more and it's so complex but those are the main things that come to mind

I found a great podcast/website recently - she really focuses on the positive things about adhd brains

Tracy Otsuka, adhd for badass women. she's a little ott but I forgive her as she's so upbeat and stops me feeling bad about the things I have trouble with

oh and my emotional dysregulation is with anger

I never take it out on anyone but it can keep me awake and give me no peace if angry about something

@lubeybooby describes it pretty well.

My emotional dysregulation comes out as rejection and then anger. I'm afraid I'm not as good as you two. It is all external with my family. I'm pretty sure I've fucked up my poor kids in a way. I was ony diagnosed 2 years ago, my DS was 8 at diagnosis my DD was 15. I wish I had been diagnosed earlier. For the sake of your kids push for a diagnosis now. Medication AND diagnosis has helped as has wider reading and research.

here's another symptom - missing specific questions asked in a thread - haha

For me as a parent it made the baby stage very difficult - I crave routine but babies are always changing

as I was undiagnosed til age 41, and I had my dd when I was 16, it also meant I was oblivious to my daughter having adhd - she was just like me, and I was like my mum, I thought everyone was like this and hence we are both neurotypical.

it also meant a fair bit of chaos while bringing my daughter up - I always forgot world book day, she would lose letters home from school or I would receive them then lose them myself, I forgot school trips and photo days and non uniform days, orthodontist appointments etc (that particular one was where I couldn't take it anymore and started massively overcompensating)

Surprise surprise my mum just got diagnosed as well - we all missed it in each other til my daughter was diagnosed age 23 and we understood how symptoms manifest in real life (as opposed to a list of symptoms) and how it seems to be different for girls and often missed.

I could have written all these posts myself. I turn 47 next month and have only just realised I'm pretty sure I have it. It was in the process of getting an assessment for my DD14. Also, pretty sure DH has it too! We just thought, she is just like us. It's like a veil has been lifted and now everything makes sense. Thank you for starting this thread. I have no advice but thanks for sharing and know you are not alone feeling this way

Wow this resonated with me so much.

@lubeybooby reading your post was like reading about myself, I'm ok with remembering appointments but only because I live and die by the calendar in my phone, but getting the places on time has been a struggle since I got to the age where my mum stopped taking me everywhere. My emotional disregulation is off the scale, and all of the fidgeting, constant movement felt just like me - I need to do at least 2 things at once all the time or my brain goes crazy, like one of those monkeys clashing the cymbals together.

All the other stuff you said resonated too, I always thought I was just an anxious person but I'm now convinced its not just that. I'm wondering whether its worth speaking to the GP about but I constantly doubt myself that I'm not "bad enough" with it as I'm quite high functioning when it comes to my job.

@LyraVega I also put stuff in my calendar but then forget to look at it....

For example not long after I posted earlier, my calendar pinged and I realised that I had my annual review appt with the NHS ADHD service at 10am today - had totally forgotten even though it was booked only last week as a cancellation!!! Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!

@catherinecawood ah typical! Luckily the settings in my phone make it pop up for me but I'm still not good at getting myself showered/ready and driven to places on time! The longer I leave myself to get ready the more stuff seems to expand until I run out of time anyway!

Thank you for all your replies. @lubeybooby I could have near written what you wrote word for word. I think I'll keep it handy for going to the doctors. I was assessed about 8 years ago - it didn't go very well, but to be fair to the psychiatrist, my life story coupled with the amount of partying I was doing at the time, plus no one able to discuss what I was like as a child, meant that he couldn't diagnose me. He agreed there were traits, but I think he thought I was an idiot, basically sent me away and told me to practice mindfulness. And of course I signed up to a course - didn't go to it, bought some books - didn't read them.

Now I'm a stay at home mum and my life is very different to what it was back then, so I feel that all these adhd traits massively stand out and there is nothing else that could be the cause. I need to stand my ground this time, and now I am in touch with family again I think they could discuss what I was like in addition to school reports. And @CatherineCawood points out - for the sake of my children I need to do something. I do scream externally as well. My children and partner do bear the brunt of this at times. I try to make up for it with cuddles etc but it's not enough really. I just want to be a bit more chilled and consistent. Not a monster one minute and Julie Andrews the next.

If anyone reading this is thinking of getting assessed, check out psychiatry uk

They are quite busy at the moment as adhd in women and girls is becoming more recognised and lots of people asking to be assessed, but I think they are still quicker than the traditional nhs route

psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose/

under right to choose, you can ask to be referred to them

even if you don't want to go with them, download the ASRS form , fill that in and show your GP

There is another private company taking NHS refrrals as well but i forget the name, but this might be worth a look

adhduk.co.uk/diagnosis-pathways/

Speed up podcasts to 1.5 makes them easier to listen to