Wasn’t ok before, then DH died

[badlydrawnbear]

I had depression and anxiety and was superficially self-harming and had suicidal thoughts at times, and in July was finally persuaded to see the GP which I should have done at least a year ago really. I was prescribed antidepressants, but massively overthought the potential side effects of so didn’t start taking them, then things felt more manageable anyway although I knew it wouldn’t last but it didn’t seem like the right time to start them. I was looking into finding a therapist, which was strongly recommended by DH.
Then he died suddenly and unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. I have 2DC, who are at primary school. I have no idea how to do this on my own.
I can’t start antidepressants now even if that was the best thing to do, because a likely side effect is being too tired to function well. I have to function well for DC, to arrange the funeral and deal with all the banks/ companies etc etc that need contacting still. I can’t be unwell physically or mentally ever now, because I have to get up and do things with DC everyday. But I considered self harm to be a coping mechanism for life stress before so that is likely to return and I have no idea how to escape the darkest thoughts when they (inevitably?) return.
I lost my DH who was my best friend although things had been difficult between us recently, and I lost the rest of my support network as the closest thing I had to other friends was my work colleagues and especially my manager who was aware of my mental health issues and very supportive but now I might not be able to go back to work because it was crazy long shifts, days and nights, that will probably be impossible as the only parent without family nearby.
I have to sort my mental health out because I can’t be in that dark place, but am going through this bereavement, have to be ok for DC, can’t take meds, probably won’t have time or money for therapy/ counselling and am not sure I could face that without any support because a previous attempt made me feel worse not better, and don’t have any of the people I used to talk to.

So sorry to hear. I don't have advice as such. Just didn't want to leave you here unanswered.

I didn't get on with antidepressants. Far too many side effects and had an allergic reaction to one.

Perhaps tablets to help with sleep or diazepam short term might help you to function.

Have you any close friends or neighbours? Anyone you can reach out to?

How are your DC holding up?

Any of your neighbours or local friends who could help with meals etc? Bit of cleaning? Anything practical?

Oh goodness like PP also didn't want to leave your post without an answer
Go to the bereavement boards on here they are brilliant and will
Have loads of practical advice to help with the practical stuff

Winstons wish for your kids

My mental health hasn't been great and I am on a/ds and I am def not too tired to function on them, though do sometimes need naps

I wish you light.

It must be such a shock but reach out for help people genuinely want to help
In these situations

@badlydrawnbear I'm so sorry for your loss. And well done for getting through the last three weeks. What a truly shitty time.

It's always easy to come up with reasons to delay taking treatment or therapy but if there was ever a time to seek extra support, to keep you being able to be there for your children, it's now. You owe it to your self and your dh. Is there anyone in rl who could confide in who could help make sure you find a way to not sink deeper? Dh would want you to find a therapist.

You also don't have to worry about doing things well. Just get what needs to be done done and accept offers of help. It might feel awkward or strange but people only offer because they care and want to help. It can be so difficult to say yes, but give it a go.

Thank you for your replies at a time when everything feels overwhelming.
I have had family here regularly for practical support, but they don’t know about my mental health and I am not going to be able to tell them. I am terrible at asking for help generally, both with practical things and with mental health support.
batmanladybird I do also have a thread on the bereavement board and people have been very helpful there, but I have not mentioned my previous mental health concerns there.
The reality that DH is never coming home is only just properly sinking in and that feels impossible today.

Jesus, that's a heavy load. My advice is to go with it. Feel shit, accept feeling shit but know in your mind you are going through a grieving process and that it will take time. I would also get a counsellor on board asap, even if you don't feel you need one. But it's someone for you, someone you can be personal with, speak and say as you wish, it will help with feelings of lonliness and give you a vent for all the feelings you are experiencing.

I really feel for you. I've lost loved ones, there's nothing worse. But it is a process, and you will eventually be as ok as you can be. You have your children and what will help is to relish in everything they give you.This is one day at a time stuff. I wish you well. There is another side, just takes time to reah it.

I'm so so sorry 😞 .
Sending virtual hugs across the internet.
I just wanted to say that I started sertraline earlier this year and I've not really had significant side affects and definitely not been tired on them.

I’m so sorry about your DH. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to lose your other half.

I have personally used a few different antidepressants on and off over the years. I went back onto sertraline a few months ago and it is incredible how much better I feel. You are catastrophising and assuming that the medication will definitely effect your ability function when in reality it will probably improve this. I am a much better, more connected and present mum when I take medication.

I'm so sorry OP it sounds incredibly hard right now. Keep talking. I hope it helps x

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've been off and on AD for years and none of them have ever given me any side effects but I realise that might not be the same for you. Generally for me when there's a crisis I manage really well, it's after it I hit rock bottom so now actually might be a good time to start them? You have however, made a massive progress already by reaching out for help here on MN, you can do this!

Being as organised as you can be will help. This checklist might help: <a class="break-all" href="https://images.ctfassets.net/u9jphhprr3y8/28U2M8bA36qyCXdxcuUr6i/a12812c8b10964bb6957f2be9c4d734d/step_by_step_checklist.pdfwww.gov.uk/after-a-death" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">images.ctfassets.net/u9jphhprr3y8/28U2M8bA36qyCXdxcuUr6i/a12812c8b10964bb6957f2be9c4d734d/step_by_step_checklist.pdfwww.gov.uk/after-a-death

Do reach out for support, there will be many friends and family desperate to help you, you only need to ask.