I want out. So so bad

[WeakLeftFin]

It’s so strange writing this while at work. Acting normal knowing I don’t want to be here. My mental health has taken such a nose dive the past few weeks (diagnosed EUPD but I truly believe I had undiagnosed Post Natal Psychosis) I can’t sleep. I feel sick with anxiety every minute of the day. I cry all the damn time. But reaching out for help has led to a AD prescription and on the waiting list for CBT. No one listens. Ive made some major life mess ups and they too are reading their head the more worse I feel.

Hang on in there friend. Ive been there where you are and i promise with all the truth that things will get bettter for you.it does not seem like it now in the depths of despair but please stick it out,dont wear a mask of perfection or ok ness,its ok to not be ok.talk to a friend or on here,just take it a day at a time,talk nicely to yourself in your head,give yourself a break as im sure youd do for another in your position.wishing you peace

Part of EUPD is these intense feelings of regret and shame at past actions. Although your feelings are strong, the reality isn't as bad as you might fear in most likelihood. Have you been given any coping skills to use?

I have never told anyone the feelings from inside. I skim the surface. I hate being a mum. A wife. A person. The truth will not free me but ultimately ruin me more. Me and everyone around me. And that’s playing even more havoc on myself. I wish so bad I did this sooner. That I went out sooner. Everyday is pure agony and pain. I smile and laugh but inside I cry. All the time. These hates I feel aren’t small I’m feeling low I hate everyone, I would love nothing better to be solely alone but I can never be that because of the responsibility I bought into this world that from the moment it happened I hated. I’m in such a dark place and all my searches consist of what to take and how much because living as me is awful. Cruel. I can never change what I did and I know EUPD can play havoc in that mindset but if even a small bit of that comes out then it’s over anyways. So why go that far? Why go to the edge and allow any secrets to come out to just ruin me then? When I can go out with no one knowing or if they find out, I won’t be here to answer for them.

I said to my GP the other day the reason I haven’t done it so far is not because of my kids. Or my relationship. Or my home or career. It’s because the messed up logic that I have suffered for so long for what? The failure of wanting to live. I’ve hated being alive for so many years. Breakdown after breakdown. I thought about it at 13 and that will be my biggest regret. Always. Not going out then before I turned into a walking nightmare. Before my life spiralled and nothing or no one can change it.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It doesn't seem like it now but there is always hope. I see you're on the waiting list for treatment, In the short term you can call the Samaritans on 116 123. Please don't suffer alone, reach out to them