I am 35, and have only recently realised that my mother struggles with major depression and has done for the majority of my life. It seems to come in extreme waves or episodes (withdrawal, disassociation etc) although may be something constant that remains invisible. There is a history of bi polar disorder in my mother’s family although this is not talked about or acknowledged.
Her own depression is something that she has never acknowledged or talked about, as she is a militantly optimistic “good news only” kind of person. My father (who was born in a developing country and has suffered intense trauma as a child / young adult) is from a different culture and cannot see depression as something that exists without extreme cause, in the past he has been in denial of her condition and perhaps insensitive to her needs / treatment / support.
In seeking support for my own depression (from GP and 2 years of therapy) a lot of past experiences have come to light - trauma and neglect from my own childhood likely caused by my mothers depression. I am in a place now where I am finding it hard to connect with my family without feeling like I am being disruptive or unsupportive. I have a lot of pain around having my feelings diminished / being ignored / neglected etc. I am expected to be kind and caring towards my mother, but I’m finding it hard to feel warm towards her - even though I know it has never been her intention to cause me harm (as a child or an adult).
Basically I don’t know what I’m asking for here, I just wanted to post to get it off my chest. I want to try and build an authentic relationship with my family, with my mother, to feel the support of a “family”, as I feel and have felt a very big absence my whole life and it’s preventing me from starting a family of my own.