Near burnout - anyone out there had similar?

[PartyintheKitchen]

Hello, I’m looking for anyone who has been in a similar position and would be able to share how they managed to improve their lives.

I work a very busy job, 5 days/week, normally 9-6 but quite often have to do additional hours here and there (evenings + weekends). I don’t take breaks apart from about 30 mins lunch each day. I am very senior in my company and have 2 teams reporting to me, I report directly to the CEO. I tell you this as I am quite often needed by many colleagues every day to look at X, Y & Z. It is a small company, however in the last 6 months we have gone from 50 people to 41. The workload stays the same for the company but per person our share has increased significantly. We have lost 3 senior people (my level) within that group of 9 who have left. No recruitment is occurring in to those senior roles and as a result my workload is ballooning. The company is going through a potential loss now which could see it go under and so my team are involved pretty much daily in crisis talks on how to manage it. I am now so stressed I am not sleeping, honestly in the last month I can count on one hand the nights where I have slept more than 5 hours. Typically I sleep about 4 hrs a night – I wake up at about 3 a.m. every morning and most of the time lie in bed stressing about all of the work I need to do, until the alarm goes off at 7.

I have 3 young children (2, 5, 8) and I work from home full time. My husband also works from home 5 days/week. I seem to only talk to him about my work. I am normally quite good with exercise and food, well I was until about a year ago, but for the last few months I’ve been ignoring my walks/runs/swims and have started eating more (not necessarily junk – but more of everything). I didn’t really manage a proper holiday – my in laws came to stay for 3 weeks in August and so I shortened my holiday to not spend my precious annual leave with them (I love them but it’s very intense when they are here). They are coming back at Halloween as they want to “enjoy how we do Halloween” so I don’t feel I will get a break then as I’ll have to put on a good Halloween for them. I always decorate the house, party for the kids etc – it’s great fun really but it seems I have sold it as a destination location. Now I feel like my next proper break will be Christmas – it feels so far away.

I could go to HR but our Head of HR is renowned for being a blabbermouth about people’s issues and honestly I do not want to be counted in that. My CEO I don’t think really cares about these kinds of issues as he is the one who is adding to my workload – when I tell him I don’t have time to do what he is asking he shrugs it off as “yes it’s terrible I know – but you’ll get it done”. He thinks nothing of staff working most evenings and weekends. I know the culture is not for changing, it has never been amazing but with the loss of so many people I keenly feel how bad it is – I don’t have the energy to change it and think there is a lot of manipulation so it would be dangerous to try.

I know I have to leave my job, it’s unsustainable. I feel so very trapped and too tired to think. Any advice? I should maybe go to the GP and get signed off but I cannot imagine how work would cope without me in to year end and then Q1 where we have masses of deadlines. Anyone out there with similar stories of how they have overcome similar?

Thanks so much for reading.

I'm sure you've heard the joke about "How do you boil a frog? Slowly". It is easy to end up with far too much going on and often you don't realise until its too late. People are just assuming you'll cope because you've always coped before.

I highly recommend a book by Dr Bill Mitchell called Time to Breathe. It saved my sanity when in a similar situation last year and I keep going back to it when I need a reminder.

You are going to have to define your boundaries of how you spend your time very very clearly or you will go under with the pressure on you. You sound like a highly conscientious and dedicated person. You can't carry on as you are. Good luck in making some changes and getting the balance back. What is more important: Your health or the company you work for? Your children and husband or the company's results?

It's really hard and I don't have the answer for you but some starting points would be to start taking more breaks in your working day. If you have to schedule them in to make them happy do it. Outsource any thing you can - like cleaning, would a mother's help help take some things away from you which would mean you have more time for you. If you feel able to try to go swimming or a walk or something. Maybe you do need to 'sit down' with your boss and tell them the loss of staff and additional pressure on you is having an impact on you. Reach out to a friend or family member. Pick up the phone or arrange a coffee or walk with someone. So many of us are in a similar situation. Social connections help lift your spirit and mood.

The additional workload must be making all the staff feel the same. They will start leaving soon as they’ve had enough and then the company will really be stuffed. You could mention that next time he asks you how things are going in the team.

Presumably the boss doesn’t want to hire anyone else permanently due to financial worries however what usually happens is someone (or more than one person) gets a temporary promotion to the now vacant post, and perhaps this will happen in the grade below also, and a temp is hired to backfill the most basic job that is now empty.

As for him saying that you’ll get the work done, I’d be saying Yes I will but it won’t be within the usual deadline as I’m doing the work of three people and it’s unrealistic to think that i continue working within the usual timeframe. So the xyz won’t get done this week it will be next week.

If he cracks up I’d be telling him that yes I completely agree so would you like me to bring in a couple of temps to do the basic work, as that’s the only way I can see it having a chance getting done within the timeframe without replacing x and y who left as I can’t continue to do three peoples work and the staff are fully loaded too and I don’t want the exhausted and going off sick when there’s time sensitive work to do.

You have to stand by your position or he will continue to take advantage of your good nature. It helps if there’s more than one senior person saying the same thing.

Have you been there over two years as you have slightly more protection then against unfair dismissal etc.

Thanks so much for reading and responding. I really appreciate it. I’ve ordered the recommended book, looking forward to having a read of it. Could I ask @hemhem, not looking for a silver bullet here or anything, but what did you find yourself was the parameter that made the biggest difference? Did you end up changing jobs or having a big time out? Oh and I’ve never heard that frog saying before, I'll add it to my armory.

We have a cleaner who comes once a week, I have an au pair and a childminder (mix n match which we have had for a few years and seems to work nicely for everyone).

Just also to let you know, I do see friends a fair bit – I have always made time for that and would consider myself a very dedicated friend, they lift my mood too. Recruitment is happening in to the junior roles but not the senior roles – so I’m getting no support at my level. However I support my teams so much – making sure they’re happy (no resignations from my teams). I have told the CEO that my workload is too much but I think there’s more to it. Re self-care – even though so massively important and whilst I’ve been crap at it, would only scratch the surface for me. It’s like saying I’m the issue when I know it’s my company that’s the issue. It has been a revelatory couple of weeks – I always thought that I needed more “me time”, more annual leave, I’ve really focused on that - however if I still feel like crap after a day back at work then can it be that I am not the problem? I feel there are a few things that I don’t have control over and thus cannot change which are the biggest issues. Massive workload with tight deadlines, very political culture (I work for an Italian organisation), a CEO who has his head in the sand, HR really only focuses on the junior cohort of staff, and a couple of colleagues who are horrific to work with – borderline aggressive (I can’t avoid them but I try my best).

I opened up to my husband a lot over the wknd, he said it’s horrible to see me to run in to the ground and stressed and is very supportive of me taking some time away. I want to be a happier more relaxed mum and to enjoy my husband and our marriage. It’s not fair on them. Now I just need to consider a plan – I think it has to be significant before I do real damage to my mental health. A friend who works in HR has warned me not to let it go much further which gave me a bit of a fright.

There's no silver bullet for any of this. For me personally I had a health scare and was hospitalised due to stress, I was actually taken aback how bad the physical symptoms were. I thought I was coping but my body couldn't sustain being flooded with adrenalin and cortisol day in day out and I had to take a week off and literally do nothing.

Because of that experience I now don't feel bad saying no to things I would previously have tried to take on. It would have been far better if I'd been able to say no more often earlier but better late than never in my case.

I should maybe go to the GP and get signed off but I cannot imagine how work would cope without me in to year end and the Q1 where we have masses of deadlines

The whole point of being signed off work due to stress is that work issues are no longer your problem to solve! How they cope without you is nothing to do with you while you are signed off, and it is no longer your responsibility.

@waybill

I should maybe go to the GP and get signed off but I cannot imagine how work would cope without me in to year end and the Q1 where we have masses of deadlines

The whole point of being signed off work due to stress is that work issues are no longer your problem to solve! How they cope without you is nothing to do with you while you are signed off, and it is no longer your responsibility.

This is the v hard hurdle to drag yourself over. I'm on my 2nd blocks of weeks off work. The first one was 2 and a bit months and it took a month for any effect to show. I was crazed with anxiety about getting in trouble for not doing something at work because I was so over worked.

This time my gp has pulled her finger out and medicated me but it's shit and I'm like a zombie. This time I crashed out sick after I didn't eat for 3 days and I was burning hot and feeling like I was vibrating all the time it was ridiculous and I don't get paid enough for this shit.

It does feel like a massive hurdle. It really does. DH is away for work this week, middle child may have covid, work is as I described. I am genuinely wishing to be hospitalised so I can have the choice made for me with evidence to show it. It's so stupid isn't it. I've never been in this position before, it's a bit scary and honestly very lonely.

@PartyintheKitchen

It does feel like a massive hurdle. It really does. DH is away for work this week, middle child may have covid, work is as I described. I am genuinely wishing to be hospitalised so I can have the choice made for me with evidence to show it. It's so stupid isn't it. I've never been in this position before, it's a bit scary and honestly very lonely.

I completely relate. I used to fantasise about minor car accidents or something like a broken ankle that would guarantee sick leave no quibble and ensure essentially bed rest for a few weeks. They would have to manage at work and no one would be cross with me.

I have had a similar situation where I've been overwhelmed with stress over a long period and I ended up being briefly hospitalised. Can't emphasise enough that you should go and see your GP and get signed off so you can give yourself some rest and space to think. It can be far worse if you ignore it, and an awful thing for your children and partner to see. There is only one of you - look after yourself!

I read somewhere you shouldn’t give up your life for a company that would have your role advertised within a month if you died. Which lets be honest, is basically all jobs.
If something were to happen to you your work wouldn’t be the ones missing you for years to come, your family and friends would.
I’ve been there, my job is seasonal, half the year is total hell, and in all but one of the years I’ve worked there it’s driven my mental health and relationship to the edge.
I’m currently on maternity leave and it has opened my eyes so much, bluntly put they don’t give a shit about me really, it’s all niceties while I’m there but they’ve not been the ones checking in while I’ve been off with my new baby. They don’t miss me, they just miss having someone there to fill my seat.
When I go back I’m changing roles there to a less stressful one and if that doesn’t work out I’m quitting and finding something else. It’s not worth it. It’s taken me too long to realise that.
You need to step away for a while and refocus your life and mental state, get some sleep and reevaluate your priorities. Otherwise life it ticking by and you’re missing out on what really matters, being happy and the people you love.
Good luck, you can do it

I read a quote in my industry magazine something like 'they can replace you at work but they can't replace you at home' that was hard to swallow.

It's all so shit. I've done my job for over a decade and it wasn't like this years back. Looking back the first 8 years I had a decent work like balance. I worked flexi and picked the kids up at least once a week. I got the annual leave I asked for and didn't worry about work outside my working hours. Covid has made my working life a living nightmare and everything else feels like a huge inconvenience.

for you OP, and I will have one too... I am suddenly experiencing similar, I was doing something I found stressful but key staff changes mean I now do not have the support I had and since that happened the pressure on me has gone up.

I am doing a few things, such as increasing my exercise, setting structured break times in the working day and managing expectations better in terms of response/completion times.

I'm sorry you are lonely with this. I have found talking to colleagues has helped, many of them are feeling the same

@PartyintheKitchen I feel I can really emphasise. I am senior in an investment bank in a chief of staff type role and spent the whole of 2019 doing my boss' role as well as he was sacked and not replaced until April 2020.
I was similar to you in terms of stress levels, workload and sleep and then I got covid in March 2020 which hit me so badly as I was running on empty. I was hospitalised and bed bound for six weeks then went back to work as "how could they possibly cope without me?!"
I then spent all of 2020 struggling through, pushing myself to cope with the never ending demands and my team was severely under resourced. Eventually I had eroded my health and mental reserves to the point that in Feb this year I had a complete physical breakdown and could no longer function on any level.
I was signed off work, but kept feeing as if I was failing by not having returned to work, and tried a phased return in July. Despite all the good intentions to respect the limited hours my consultant had signed off on work slowly crept back, demands increased and expectations began to climb around what I should be producing, resulting in another set back and I'm now off sick again. I'm not sure what the next steps are for me but I've finally realised I need to take the time to get myself well and that it's only a job and really not worth it.
Some things that might help you from my experience:

• all CEOs etc start with good intentions but inevitably pile on the work and the pressure; they can't help it, it's why they are where they are
• they absolutely can and will cope without you; I had been desperately trying to get budget sign off for resources in my team for 12 months; since Feb they've approved 4 new headcount as they've realised I was compensating and covering a lot of the cracks
• if you don't have your health you really don't have anything; I'll get another job but I can't do that unless I'm well and there's nothing at all wrong with saying I can't do this anymore
• if I had asked for help / stopped earlier my recovery would have been easier and quicker; my consultant has told me that I effectively made myself worse by letting it get that bad
• My GP was useless; but when I said I need a sick note they gave me one without question

Options I wish I had considered earlier are sick leave, a sabbatical, a honest talk with my CEO about how impossible everything was and just saying no more and doing less (easy to say very hard to do) or looking for an alternative role.

It has been a roller coaster of a year, the toughest I've had mentally and physically but I know it will get better, and I hope you can find a path through.

This happened to my ex-boss, the most competent woman I've probably ever met. She ended up being signed off and suing the company.

Speak to your boss and tell him you need to set boundaries of logging off at x oclock. If things start to slide and he/she complains, re-iterate your limits.

If that fails, get signed off long-term and find something more sustainable. You deserve to enjoy life.

Relate to mavismonkey post so much. So interesting that the sector seems to be irrelevant - it's the same outcome.

I find it so hard that there's no middle ground. I started going downhill summer 2020 and was clear with senior staff I was struggling and wanted to avoid such leave. I was not supported and I went sick in the autumn. This time around I was communicated with a lot better but nothing resulted in a reduction in work load so same outcome.

The sickness levels in my sector are huge and the staff retention is a big issue.

The obvious question is financially for you need to stay?

*do

Check your sickness policy. My long service had accrued several months paid sick. I'm not saying it's there to be abused but knowing your entitlement is handy.
You also need an occ health referral

Firstly I want to say a really huge thank you to everyone who responded, shared their stories and support. I read through all of these at about 4 a.m. this morning and am very grateful. I had a bit of a cry for all of you who have been through this, I hope you all are feeling better. Your comments on there being only one me has really hit home. I now don’t now underestimate how hard it is to come back from burnout, I’m resilient but no robot. Months ago I thought I could cope and I was until the slew of resignations hit.

I am going to call my GP for an appointment and flag with HR how worn out I am. HR isn’t amazing but better than no HR (for all I know he may be gone in the next while too!). I have a meeting with CEO tomorrow anyways so depending on GP and HR I will let him know what is happening. I have up to 6 weeks paid sick leave available and if I decided to leave the company we could absolutely cope with DH salary (we did the maths at the wknd), we have savings too which we could dip in to. I’ve been approached by head-hunters very recently, so I feel that there is work out there for me, but I don’t want to jump from the frying pan in to the fire.

I’ll update again if you would like to know – I know I scoured threads on mn looking for practical things people did.

and to you all.

Good to hear from you @PartyintheKitchen and that you have the start of a plan in place.

I previously would have cited resilience as one of strongest qualities and it hugely pains me that I've lost that; it is building up again but it's slow going, so taking preventative action to retain that is key.

With the GP (in my experience) you have to be extremely descriptive and almost over egg how you are feeling and detail the impact it's having in your life. My default is "keep going" and just coping so opening up was very hard for me. I spent ages saying things like "I'm ok, just really really tired," and it wasn't until I explained that "really tired" meant that I was showering on average once a week, not leaving the house ever, ignoring my kids and unable to climb stairs without needing to sit down, that they took notice. In hindsight I was stupid not to ask for help earlier - i think a bit like you - I didn't want to be seen as not coping. Well, that strategy blew up in my face

If you think leaving might be the way forward for you one option to consider is negotiating an extended notice period.

We did this for one of my colleagues- he worked 9 months notice as we had gaps in the leadership team and he agreed to work that long to allow us time to recruit for the other roles and his- your CEO would probably jump at the chance to keep you for longer than your contractual notice period based on all the shortages.
My colleague found that as soon as he had agreed his exit date he felt a huge mental release- he still worked conscientiously but was much happier to say no to things, wasn't so emotionally invested and was happy that he had an "end date". That might work for you if you feel that the culture just isn't a fit for you anymore and it will give you some mental breathing room to find a new role that's a better match for you.

@mavismonkey gosh it really sounds like you needed your hospital stay, horrendous. I'm glad you're on the road to recovery now. I know I'm not that far gone right now however I do take your point about descriptive for the GP. I will make a list tonight of how this stress is manifesting. Even in the space of a few days I can see I am not trapped in this job, I can say no, I can change this. I called my surgery earlier and the GP I like has a cancellation for tomorrow afternoon so I will see her then.

I actually had a recruiter call me at lunchtime, he's a chap I quite like, good reputation in the industry I'm in, he had what I would normally consider a very interesting role, I was semi-honest with him in saying I was interested in moving but I really needed a break before the next role (I didn't go in to too much detail).

Extended notice - this could be possible but only if other changes happen too. As you can probably tell, my company isn't exactly a Walt Disney movie.

Also this is the first time in many months where I have taken time away from my work to do something like this (post on MN), it's a lovely release even though the work is continuing to pile up!

OP, you are beginning to sound much more positive, and I think that’s because you are starting to look at practical solutions, and seeing that there is a path out of this hell hole you are currently in.
Nobody is indispensable, as PPs have said. You are under no obligation to martyr yourself to try and fill three people’s jobs in a shit company that does not value its staff or care about their workload. Carrying on until you have a complete breakdown helps neither you nor your colleagues.
I would tackle this in stages. Short term: GP appointment, sign off work with stress.
Medium term: Rest and recuperate at home. Lots of sleep, healthy food, fresh air, mindfulness, “me time”.
Longer term: Speak to the recruiter you trust and tell them when you feel refreshed and ready to look at new opportunities.

I had a similar experience of burn out in an unrelated field. Widowed single parent of two, working in high stress role as hospital doctor in critical care/anaesthesia on seriously ill patients, while trying to cope with DD who was mentally ill and had just hanged herself for the second time and was still suicidal. I tried to carry on, until it reached the point where the theatre staff said if I didn’t take sick leave they would go to the department head and ask on my behalf, as they could see I was utterly exhausted.
Five weeks of stress leave, plus nine weeks of therapy, were transformational. Without them, I doubt I could have continued in the job that I loved. Don’t feel a moment’s guilt, OP, just take whatever you need to get well.
Best wishes.

Great news OP. Perhaps this chap will come up trumps with a good job and good pay.

@Babdoc

OP, you are beginning to sound much more positive, and I think that’s because you are starting to look at practical solutions, and seeing that there is a path out of this hell hole you are currently in. Nobody is indispensable, as PPs have said. You are under no obligation to martyr yourself to try and fill three people’s jobs in a shit company that does not value its staff or care about their workload. Carrying on until you have a complete breakdown helps neither you nor your colleagues. I would tackle this in stages. Short term: GP appointment, sign off work with stress. Medium term: Rest and recuperate at home. Lots of sleep, healthy food, fresh air, mindfulness, “me time”. Longer term: Speak to the recruiter you trust and tell them when you feel refreshed and ready to look at new opportunities.

I had a similar experience of burn out in an unrelated field. Widowed single parent of two, working in high stress role as hospital doctor in critical care/anaesthesia on seriously ill patients, while trying to cope with DD who was mentally ill and had just hanged herself for the second time and was still suicidal. I tried to carry on, until it reached the point where the theatre staff said if I didn’t take sick leave they would go to the department head and ask on my behalf, as they could see I was utterly exhausted.
Five weeks of stress leave, plus nine weeks of therapy, were transformational. Without them, I doubt I could have continued in the job that I loved. Don’t feel a moment’s guilt, OP, just take whatever you need to get well.
Best wishes.

Bloody hell @Babdoc I don't even know what to say, my situ feels very first world in comparison. Very good to hear the break and therapy helped. So nice too that your colleagues had your back. Good on you. Hope you're doing much better now overall and your daughter too.

I have GP visit in an hour or so, really nervous about it and the fallout at work. Pretty much zero sleep last night worrying about it. I'm referred to as "wonder woman" "so strong" "so capable" and this will all probably hit people out of the blue that I'm not coping as they think. Not coping at all to be fair. I've spent the morning scrabbling to get my ducks in a row for a few days out. It's not enough but hey ho. Let's see what GP says.

Thanks all for your support - hopefully this thread will help someone else who is simply holding it together.