Coping mechanisms?

[FTEngineerM]

This is preemptive I suppose, I don’t want our situation spiralling out fo control.

I gave birth last week, ended up needing a caesarean with epidural so I felt absolutely everything. I found it really traumatising to be led there (they’d given me morphine too which I would have said no to if I’d have known) unable to move feeling them roughly digging tugging and sucking blood out of my abdomen. There was blood all over the floor and spattered on the sheet that was meant to stop me seeing all of that.

Then I get home the next day and find my dog, almost 11 years old, very unwell so we take him to the vet and find out he can’t be treated and must be pts. We took him home for a few days to enjoy him/give him a comfy happy last few days and then he was pts this Thursday.

My mind seems to have blocked the week out, I’m ordering things thinking it’s Monday and it’s Friday. I just keep crying all the time and can’t seem to process anything. We try and be strong for DS1 who needs us more than ever after having a new baby.

DP has been referred to mental health team because he hit rock bottom just before DS2 was born after having a really really rough year and the dog was his (and mine I suppose) coping mechanism.. taking him out, getting outside and that’s gone now. I’m worried he will spiral. I’m worried I will spiral. I don’t know how to cope.

What are the best ways to process this type of thing without it taking over your life? I can’t go on crying all day, rushing off to weep when the post man comes and there’s no dog barking. DS1 is looking to us at the moment for a guide on how to act with the new baby, we can’t get this wrong ☹️. Any help?

I'm sorry things are so awful right now. And very sorry about your difficult birth and your dear dog ❤️ Don't be hard on yourself for all the crying - it will be helping you process all this pain, though obviously it's difficult. Sometimes you just have to focus on one little thing at a time, take things day by day, or even hour by hour. Do you have friends and family to lean on? Take advantage of it if so.

Hey sorry to hear that.

Don't worry too much about messing up the sibling thing. My older DC only very gradually took in the presence of younger DC - Both times (we have 3) a lot of insecurity came out (and was got over) a few months in, when another transition happened ( room move in nursery, move to school ).

I mean to say, I don't think first impressions are as crucial as you would think

Sorry no experience on the dog front but maybe just be honest with DS that you are sad that dog has died? How old is he?

And re DH, if he is not managing his mental health successfully he needs a plan (drugs cBT etc) but these things take time. Maybe best to see it as a project and one that should be started when he can commit to it- or not in the midst of an acute crisis. He'll probably have to limp through the next couple of weeks as best he can unless he's an acute danger to himself

And re Cs- that sounds traumatic. I have had three but they were what I wanted so the same events you described didn't upset me- I felt empowered because I had decided to go that route to avoid other possible risks. I don't know if ty ere is any way you can mentally reframe it? Probably once you have recovered you wil have no long term effects whilst a gone-wrong vaginal birth could have left you with a lot of long term issues so could you focus on that?

Also I understand the need to get the trauma gone ASAP but another way of looking at it is maybe to put the h thy bigs in a queue to sort when you have headspace and accept that now, with hormones/sleep etc it's just about getting through it?

Sorry for deluge of replies, there is a lot in your post. I do feel for you.

Give yourself space to cry. That IS the processing. When the memory comes acknowledge that it was an awful, painful, traumatising thing and that your reaction is normal. But also remind your brain that things worked out ok with the birth in the end (ie this was a horrible thing that happened but we're both safe now)

If they memories are too much. Try mindfulness, essentially its just turning all your attention to the small details of the present moment

Wow OP you are really strong. Well done for the fact that your having a rubbish time of it when is should be the happiest time of your life and yet you are still worried about everyone else but yourself. True mother fashion

Take each day as it comes, cry and cry all you need too , the cliched saying of time is a great healer is true both physically and mentally and will help with the loss of your pet and the traumatic birth . As for DP you just need to both be there for eachother and remember DC1 are more resilient and adaptable than you think.

Look after yourself , get yourself a take away tonight and take baby steps.

Thank you all so much ❤️.

Yes we’re really lucky that our families are there both emotionally and physically to help with DS1 if we need a little down time.

DS1 is 15 months so not really much in the way of understanding what is going on, he looks around when we get home.. I think looking for the dog but he isn’t upset or anything.

You’re right @MotherOfCrocodiles I need to reframe it, DS2 was still at -2 station after 2 hours at full dilation and one hour pushing. He was tangled in the cord and at a funny angle. I’m grateful he’s here and we’re both ok, I just can’t shake the memory of lying there 😬.

DP isn’t at crisis point yet, he called the doctor hoping he wouldn’t get there, I was expecting them to call back to arrange something this week but they didn’t. I don’t know how long these things take? Is it worth him just paying to see someone?

I will continue crying, it does feel better after a good cry. Mindfulness is a great tip too thank you, there are lots of things to be grateful for at the minute too so focusing on those will certainly help.

DS1 came and cuddled into me when I asked him for a kiss and then he kissed his brother so definitely more resilient than I’m giving him credit for😃 phew.

Re your Dp - mental health referrals do take a long time. GP might prescribe some drugs that might help.

Eg for anxiety propanalol can sometimes break the cycle, and actually just knowing you have the pills in case it gets too bad is helpful.

Other drugs (to stabilise mood longer term) can also be prescribed by gp I think, but can have a settling period of several weeks before you know if they are helping.

Psychological therapies such as CBT are really helpful for many. The waiting list is months and months. If you can afford it go private.

That said, he should ask their advice about now vs later. I can see some help now might be necessary but also that he might not have the bandwidth to. Put his own energy into getting properly better til the dust has settled from all the stuff that has just happened

My point about CS is not so much telling you that you should be happy as long as baby is healthy - I think that's an unhelpful denial of your experience. I'm more thinking that it would be good to identify why it was traumatic (the change of plan, loss of control, the alarming urgency?). I mean obviously all that gore is nasty/frightening/painful but I think maybe that in itself isn't the core issue? But if you understand the source of your feelings it could help you work it through.