Scared myself (TW: suicidal thoughts)

[alightdepression]

Woken up just now trying to process the events of last night. I came close to killing myself. I only stopped because I knew it would be incredibly traumatic for my husband to find me and/or if I wasn't successful with the attempt on my life, but ended up in hospital, things would certainly be even worse by the consequences of people knowing I've tried to end my life. My career would be in jeopardy and I'd still have to go on. Please don't tell me to call NHS services because they have been less than useful and actively harmful for me in the past. I'm on antidepressants. I have private therapy although I haven't been lately due to work and childcare commitments. Nobody knows how bad I feel except my husband but I don't think he takes it seriously. I haven't bothered to tell him about last night as we'd had an argument already and he'd gone off to sleep in another room without saying goodnight. If I told him he'd probably just be angry or overly rational anyway. I have a toddler so obviously don't want to put her the through trauma of losing a parent so young. Things feel unsustainable in the medium to long term. Wondering what to do.

I'm very glad to see you didn't do it. Can you get back in touch with your therapist as a priority? You can't risk that happening again.

@Cloudyzebra I'm wondering if I need to find a new therapist. The one I'm seeing is insight oriented (eg exploring childhood and my current relational patterns). The insight doesn't seem to be helping. Wondering if I need counselling instead. Thanks for replying.

Just outed myself slightly by posting with my other username. Oh well.

Please talk to your GP and get the anti depression medication reviewed. If you ever feel low and you can’t talk to anyone there is always the Samaritans and probably your local Mind will have services you can access eg counselling, an out of hours help line.

Do you trust your current therapist? If so maybe its worth a frank conversation with them, to see if a new approach would help. If not then yes, might be worth finding someone else.

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time. Do you have any friends or family you can talk to? I'm sorry you don't feel supported by your husband. That must feel lonely. My counsellor is also focused on insights and relationships and I'm not sure how helpful it is... But I do like her and she is kind and understanding. Do try to get your meds reviewed too. I hope you feel better soon ❤️

I agree that a blunt conversation with your current therapist is called for now. Try and say everything you have said here and voice your concerns. Allow them in to the dialogue about whether you need a change in direction on therapy, they are trained to sit alongside you through everything you have going on, so allow her to do this. Your therapist will take your suicidal thoughts and all your other thoughts soberly and seriously. Please reach out to her. You sound like you are shouldering a lot right now and that is truly amazing but we are human and we are allowed to break too. You are absolutely right that your son desperately needs you to stay alive, and he also needs you healthy and well, and you have absolutely every right to reach out for help to get to that place again. Just reach out now and make sure you are safe in the short term as you wade through this. Take care OP and I hope you find the support you need.

If you’re going private then definitely change your therapist if you feel it isn’t helping. Or an honest conversation with your current one. Lots of love x

I'm scared to tell my therapist that I'm essentially losing my mind. If she panics and starts saying she needs to contact my g.p re:risk that will really send me spiralling.
I think I need to work this out on my own. I don't really have friends that I can talk to, as on the surface I am successful and busy. I think many of my friends/acquaintances feel that I live this perfect life, which couldn't be further than the truth right now.

I know it can be scary to tell your therapist but I did just this and it opened up a huge amount of support for me. She did tell my GP, with my permission in the end, and that was the beginning of another layer of help I didn’t even know existed. Good luck

Ah ok, I hear you. But please allow your therapist 'in'. You have no idea how she will react. She will àsk you questions to ascertain if you are safe OP, that's her job. If she doesn't think you have the capacity to keep yourself safe she will talk it through with you. She will walk alongside you, not railroad you in to anything. She may also not react in the way you are expecting. Many, many of us experience suicidal thoughts, it is a coping mechanism when we can't cope. The risk is obviously that we may act on it. She will want to find out where you sit on that spectrum. Please reach out. You have written so clearly here and I'm so sorry that your 'front' in real life means you can't tell anyone else. You don't need to be a superwoman about your mental health though, you need to try and reach out and be real. Good luck.