What help can we access on behalf of family member who is in crisis?

[WoolyMammoth55]

Hi all,

Just posting for advice please from anyone who has been through similar and might have a clue how we can help...

In our extended family we have a mid-30s woman I'll call Alice. She is an only child and was orphaned young but was to some extent raised with my DH. We now live at quite a distance, but from what we are hearing she is in crisis and we love her and would love to help.

Alice has been married for quite a while and has a young DC. Her husband is wealthy but really toxic. I think he targeted her knowing her story and that she lacked close family support. For the past few years she has thought he was cheating on her - he flatly denies and calls her delusional - we may never know the truth, I guess? But I suspect she's right and he's gaslighting her. It has placed her under huge pressure and the pandemic seems to have been the last straw.

In the past few months there's been a ton of incidents: she sent goodbye texts to loved ones before disappearing, car found abandoned etc. Police found her, and social services were involved, but there seems to have been no ongoing support. She is also abusing alcohol and drugs. She's been fired from her job which she loved. She has more than once made plans with friends around DC get-togethers, arrived with DC then 'popped back to the car for her purse' and driven off, abandoning her DC.

She has filed for divorce from her husband (he says) and moved out of their horrible mansion into a tiny flat - we don't know how she's paying for it. Now her husband is saying he wants to get her into rehab but she refuses and so he 'has no choice' but to sue for sole custody of her DC since she's unfit.

Of course I can see how easy it would be to say she's unfit and I'm sure her behaviour is hurting DC but she absolutely adores her kid and the behaviour is a symptom of her mental distress... I think if he proceeds and she loses custody it could well drive her to suicide.

Can anyone advise how we might proceed and try to reach her? She won't answer texts or calls and it's hugely far to travel when we're not sure if she'll see us. But should we try?

I'm really asking what options there are when someone is self-destructing due to poor MH and addiction, but isn't ready to get help themselves. Is there any path or mechanism to help them? She's such a wonderful person and it's all such a tragedy.

TIA for any words of wisdom X

Hello. It sounds like your family member is in a hard place, and needs to get away from her ex and some help. Do you know if she is on contact with any of the domestic abuse charities, especially ones local to her? It sounds like she needs somene who will understand what she has been through.

Sadly, you cannot force anyone to get help. She’s got to make that step. Knowing that she has people like you who do actually care about her, even if she doesn’t meet you, or doesn’t reply to your texts, will be valuable.

Realistically, from what youve written, it doesn’t sound great about the child. The courts/social services would look at the needs of the child and ensuring the child is safe and looked after. They are unlikely to be concerned about why mum has addictions, or that there is a reason for her behaviour. They will see her behaviour, the risks, her unwillingness to get help, and make decisions based on that.

I have mental health problems and have done things I am not proud of. I got to keep my children because I engaged with mental health and social services professionals, and did what i was asked to do, even though I didn’t want to. I also had to accept that sometimes I wasn’t in the right place to look after my children, and either my ex or family had to have them. I had to prove that I had regained that ability before they came back. It sounds like your family member could have a tough time ahead. She has the greatest chance of keeping her child if she gets help, maybe that could nudge her into rehab?

I don't think you can do a lot from such a long distance away. If you can possibly actually visit its worth a try but it will be frustrating if you are unable to contact her. Is it worth contacting the husband even if he is awful. You might get a better idea of the situation.

Thanks both for your replies. God it's just really sad. She has been a model mum, great employee etc her whole life up until last spring. I think it was years of her STB-Ex's bullying and then Covid just tipped her into a really dark place...

I think we're going to keep reaching out to her weekly and then if still no contact by end of October we'll drive up there and hope.