Feeling better but afraid it won’t last

[PhoebeFriends]

I’ve had lifelong depressive episodes with the most recent one keeping me in despair for the last 8 years. However, I’m having therapy and it’s working which is brilliant and exciting.

This is the first time ever I’ve felt therapy has been valuable and I am amazed at how I am changing. This week I have felt almost “me” again and I love it but I am worried about the feeling ending. Has anyone been through this, coped with a dip to either be ok again or at least not be wrecked by the recurring misery?

I don’t want to jinx the happiness and make the depression return by thinking that it will, but a lifetime of experience makes me know that it’s coming. I think if I’m not prepared it will be worse.

My therapy is time limited - 6 sessions left. I am going to speak of my fear to my very lovely therapist but it would be good to know how others have coped. Should I do a “this too will pass…” but that works for the happy and sad feelings….

Having had a glimpse of normality I want to cling on to it but I don’t want to hold too tightly because when it goes it will be too sad.

Having never experienced both sides of emotions before - happy/sad, optimistic and excited I’m wondering how others cope - what would you - would you prepare for a dip? If the depression returns will it end again?

When I started therapy this time, I felt it was a final attempt at recovery. I’m afraid that it’s worked but it will unravel and I will return to how I felt before.

I don’t want to ever feel that way again but it will be so much worse now I’ve had a glimpse of normality.

When I started therapy I told myself if it did not work I could end it - if now I return to despair what do I do?

Glad to hear you are feeling better. Therapist sounds amazing! This might sound a bit sarcastic but if the depression returns, why couldn't you simply return to Amazing Therapist and add some more sessions?

As a suggestion, ask the therapist if they could devote some time to talking about how to stay well, once the therapy ends. Nothing wrong with telling the therapist you have anxiety about being left to deal with your feelings alone again.

I think it is really natural to be feeling worried about flying solo, as it were. I think it applies to pretty much anything where you've had a competent instructor or mentor, and then you have to launch out without their support. Whether it is going out for a drive in a car alone for the first time having been in a dual control car up to that point, or that feeling of mild terror when you bring your firsr newborn baby home and no longer have that nice midwife critiquing your latch, or going to a restaurant or cinema alone for the first time. Many experiences make us feel very vulnerable and exposed, even when mental health is great you can still feel really anxious about and in those situations. So I'm just saying you should accept your anxiety for what it is - a completely natural and normal response to an unknown situation where you have to rely on your own resources and arent sure you are competent enough.

The reason it causes anxiety is that there is a CHANCE of success. If you knew you would fail, the feeling would be different and worse. But when there is a chance you might actually make a go of it, you are constantly second-guessing yourself watching for things starting to slide.

I guess you need to think about what triggers your depression, what helps and what hinders, how you are currently managing between therapy sessions - is the therapist doing something to keep you on an even keel, and if so what can you take from this and replicate to some degree in your life outside therapy?

I think if you've suffered with it for so long it becomes a way of life...almost to the point of being afraid to be happy.
I've had my own struggles and know how difficult it is to get any therapy on the NHS, then maybe 6 sessions and if that doesn't work, back to the waiting list for months if not years. (Assuming your therapist is NHS).
However, what I like to think about, (and it gives me a bit of hope) is that after the awful year we all had in 2020, mental health seems to be discussed more, and i've noticed people coming out on social media with none of the usual shame, embarrassment, setting up support groups etc. So I like to think there's more options available now and maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to get help, sometimes just a chat with someone who has been through the same thing makes a huge difference.
Perhaps that might put your mind at ease a little, if you try to think positively that there is much more help out there now should you need it.

Thank you for your replies - some helpful advice and things for me to think about - exactly what I wanted and why I love Mumsnet.
It is NHS therapy so time-limited - lovely therapist did extend number of sessions but is of the opinion that ongoing therapy wouldn’t be helpful anyway. (I would otherwise sell my house to pay to continue to see him if that had been an option although I would never say this).
I have dipped this morning now - the lack of a trigger is typical and adds to my worry about how long the darkness will last but the memory of being happy may keep me positive.

I've been up and down like you describe. But each time i find myself going downwards, i practice self care. Meditation, mindful exercises, doing things i enjoy, making sure to take a bit more effort with myself. If that doesn't work i book in for more therapy to help me work through whatever the problem is. Think of your depression like a warning system. It rears up when something is wrong and needs addressing. For me sometimes that's work stress, family tension, lack of money - i try as hard as i can to identify what's causing me to feel down and deal with it before i really start to slide. Life is a series of peaks and troughs, but you don't need to be afraid of feeling low because you know more that is possible to feel up again. Therapy is just one tool in your toolkit to help you learn to live with depression. Figure out what your other tools might be, maybe make a list somewhere so if you start to slide back you can look at it.

I have dipped this morning now - the lack of a trigger is typical
Perhaps the end of the therapy is the trigger. Maybe ask him to help you in the last session to future proof you ... Help you to learn some techniques you can use going forward. It's not him that's important (sounds harsh) it's what he's teaching you, and you don't leave that behind when you leave the therapy. You take it with you.

If you have been suffering with depression for many years, you are bound to mistrust the highs. You need to talk with your therapist about this and ask for strategies to deal with an impending dip.

I also think when you’ve felt down for such a long time that any time you feel like that there’s the fear that it’s there to stay. In reality everyone feels like that every so often and it just passes. I agree with others that the end of therapy is probably the trigger. If it’s CBT then at the end they usually get you to pull together a plan for what to do in the event of any kind of relapse which I found really helpful. I also like the ACT therapy approach of diffusing from the thought. So, if you feel a bit down and worry that it’s there to stay then reminding yourself it’s just a thought and reengage with what you were doing. Or, alternatively, if you’re feeling great and then find yourself having the thought that it won’t last then saying that it’s just a thought and go back to feeling great. It’s not easy to do, but it can be helpful with a bit of practice. I’d definitely discuss this with your therapist though as they’ll no doubt be able to help with this specific thinking. Hope you find something that helps 😀